Dearest Alison, my heart goes out to you.  Reading your poem made me want to cry.  Your father must have been very special.  Speaking as a parent though, I know that he would want you to be happy.  He would not want you to be blaming yourself for what he did.  So remember the good times and think about the future which God has promised.  There will be a resurrection-Acts 24:15.  You will be able to see your father again, but this time he'll be healthy and happy, both physically and emotionally.-Revalation 21:4.  Until then, allow the god of all comfort to help you.  Psalm 34:18 says, "He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  He understands you better than even you yourself do & he will help you to heal.