Amanda
  • Female
  • Highland, Wisconsin
  • United States
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on September 16th 2006 the man that I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with and the father of my 11 month old little girl, decided to take his own life with a gun in the basement of our home. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life, To tell you the truth I didnt think something like this could ever happen to me. the feelings that you have inside after something like this is so hard to deal with, and I had to be strong because I had a wonderful gift from god that I had to be strong for. If it was not for the family and friends that I had around me I don't think I could have done as well as I did, but the most important of them all was my wounderful little girl that depend on me for everything, at first it was hard to even look at her because she reminded me so much of him. even now it is hard sometimes because with everything she does she reminds me off him. Then I just stop and think about how proud of her he would be, she is going to be 4 in october and I just cant belive he chose to miss all this. Thats where the anger comes in towards him, and I dont want to hate him at all because I know that he was sick, but why could he have not gotten help, I mean if not for him but for her? I still have so much emotions bottled up inside. I try not to cry or think about that night, but it's so hard not to. I have so many questions that I know will never get answerd until the day I meet him in heaven, but I want to know them now, and I know that is not going to happen. then comes the part where I have to raise our little girl by myself and explain to her why her daddy is not here, how do I explain this to her without her thinking that it's her fault. thats my biggest fear I dont want her to think that she did anything wrong! I mean right now she knows that daddy Jay is in heaven, I show her pictures of him all the time, because I want her to know that is her daddy and even though he is not here with us and in heaven he does love her with everything he had in his body. I just have so many things still bottled up inside and my family can only say so much, because they have never had to deal with something like this before. so thats why I hope the wonderful people on here can help me deal with some of the stuff i am going through...

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