Thanks for adding me as a friend, Anita.
Actually my husband was much older than me and he was 84 when he died last year. I was 49, now 50. A big age difference, yes...Marc had a young spirit. He was so talented as a musician and artist. He loved to make people happy. He had friends of both genders and all ages. Not that he was perfect, no one is... I really miss him. I'm thankful for the many good years we had together.
I think my son is doing ok....it's hard to tell with a teenage boy. He is a sweet kid and I know seeing his father sick was really difficult for him. Especially when Marc had delusions and hallucinations, before he was diagnosed, it was tough. Marc sometimes said, "Cherie, can you drive me home? You know I can't drive after dark anymore." And when I told him that we were at home, he'd shake his head and sigh, like I just didn't understand. Once he was trying to leave the house in the middle of the night. Thankfully he was never violent. He had some mild paranoia, feeling like people were watching him. At the end he was refusing his medication as he thought the caregivers were poisoning him.
It's making me cry to think about all these things. I'm working with a grief counselor and hoping it will help, but so far it's just hard work. Sometimes I wonder how can I live without Marc? I'm only 50, I could live for another 30 years. I promised him that I would take care of myself and our son. Marc was very concerned about us and about his adult sons (from his first marriage). I have to keep going on for my son and for our cat too. Sparky the cat is my main companion.
I haven't been to Corvallis yet but I know it's not far from Salem. I grew up in San Jose and moved to Half Moon Bay when as married Marc. Yes, Oregon is definitely less stressful than California. There's virtually no traffic and I can always find a place to park! :)
I'm glad you have your son for company. I'm unemployed right now so I spend too much time alone. I'm going to a play tomorrow with my friend and her husband.
Thanks for reaching out Anita. I'm sorry for your loss and the suffering you and your husband went through. It's so hard to watch them deteriorate before your eyes. My once very strong husband needed help standing at the end. He needed help with a lot of things and there is nothing I wouldn't do to help him. I say this because from what I hear from others, not everyone would do what I did which I find impossible to believe. How could you not?? I too sleep with something of Ken's, it's his N.E. Dragway fleece jacket because he was a race car driver in his healthy days. I know at some point I need to move forward but I'm not ready now. It's just been 2 months. I'm a long way from disposing of his things. I haven't even thrown away his toothbrush. I'm supposed to believe it will get better (different) in time but I don't see that happening. In some ways I feel it would be a betrayal of our love if I didn't grieve for him everyday. He would say he loved me with every cell of his being. I do know that he would want me to be happy. Maybe in time that will happen.
I too am always here to listen to you or any other group member if you ever need to talk or vent.
Hello Anita, I just want to say I hope you are doing OK - you are being such a great help already to Patti,as you have to me - I'm not sure my last email to you got through, but again I don't want you to think I'd forgotten you, my new friend - write when you can, and be well -
Anita: My husband went into the hospital on December 18th for a scheduled hernia repair and died five days later from massive pulmonary embolism. It was completely unexpected...we tried to move him to another hospital that could help him once they found out he had the embolism but it was too late....he went into cardiac arrest the first time in the ambulance on our way over to the other hospital. I need to talk about it but it literally makes me sick - he died two days before Christmas...the kids were all home thank goodness because of the holiday. I still can't believe it....then one week after he died I had to have a small surgical procedure to remove a suspicious cyst from my breast - I was a mess! three years ago my brother in law died suddenly from a massive heart attack at hunting camp and JOe told me at that time if something ever happened to him he wanted me to sell the house right away because he knew it would turn into a huge hassle for me....our kids are all grown and out of the house - well, the youngest moved back home with me to help me out. I keep wondering if it would have been "easier" for a lack of a better word if he was diagnosed with something terminal - I feel like I would have had more time with him and done things differently - but than watching him go through that would have been very difficult I'm sure. I guess there is no good way. He was a second marriage for me and well as I was for him - we were married almost 17 years. I've always taken things in stride but with this loss I've become a different person - I stress about everything...I'm literally a mess. I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to change but I can't do anything about it.
Thank you so much for adding me as a friend. It still feels like yesterday to me - I've stopped myself from crying myself to sleep every night - I don't know I just feel like that is not what Joe would want me doing but most nights I want too. I just want those five days back from the day of his surgery to the day he died....I want every single second back with him. I know it's not possible but I would pay anything for that - even if the outcome was the same I just want all that time back. I'm putting my house on the market - I know it seems quick but I just can't be there without him....it's so painful. Maybe a new comforter would help me too - I use this mink blanket that has deer on it that I bought him for his birthday many years ago - he loved the blanket but I just can't seem to sleep with it.
Thank you for adding me as a friend - I have been busy preparing for a visit today by my cousin and her husband - cleaning house, baking a cake, and generally counting the hours - they are both very kind and loving people, more friends than family really. They took me out for a nice lunch at one of Larry's and my favorite restaurants - the first time being there without him. I'm planning to write about the experience tomorrow. Tonight when they left and I checked my email and saw the message about your friend addition, I was so moved I cried. I hope you are doing a little better, and am so glad you have come back to this forum - as I said to my cousins today, this place is so filled with love and support flowing between all the members that I thank God for leading me here to find all of you - my angels who see me through and accept me. Unfortunately acceptance has not always been very forthcoming in my life - nor for Larry in his - so it is especially healing to be able to share and commune with friends without fearing judgement or disapproval. I get plenty of that out in "the real world", thank you very much, and feeling safe here is why I love being a part of this wonderful group, hoping to do whatever I can to help anyone however I can, just as so many have helped me. And today, Anita, your friendship has helped me a great deal, so again I thank you.