"I, as many others here, find the holidays and anniversary dates hard to get through. For me, four years seems a long time to friends and other people - you can feel it that they expect you to be completely over it by now - for me Michael's…"
"Dear Tracy - Thank you. Thank you for being our son's voice since his is silent now. Thank you for having the courage to speak out to we who have lost loved ones, and thank you for surviving and continuing to do so. Your comments and thoughts…"
"My heart and prayers go out to those of you who are so new to this sorrow. Keep coming back to this site for support and understanding. It helped me so much. When our son, Michael, took his life so suddenly December 13, 2009, this site had less than…"
"For Caryn and Angela, I follow all the postings here, though sometimes I don't write as much anymore. That doesn't mean my heart is broken every time I hear of a new loss. Please know that every one posting here knows how you feel, we have…"
"Dear Anne - You are right in the difference of how people react to us - the survivors of suicide. I don't think it is intentional or meant to be hurtful, but 1) they don't know how to act around just overwhelming pain, 2) the are afraid of…"
"Carin - I too have experienced exhaustion, colds, insomnia, and PTSD (when our grandson pulled a stupid stunt at our home). Also, when I hear of really sad and violent things on news TV, or when I'm overwhelmed by how many loved ones are lost…"
"I appreciated reading what you wrote today. It has been 19 mos since I lost my own son. I could relate to everything you said. Praying that 2013 will bring more healing to us all, light, hope, moments of joy. Take good care…"
"I often read the postings here but don't write as much anymore. When I started there were only 70 members; now 508.
Today is the first day of a new year. That doesn't mean much to me anymore; just another day. But I am really trying to…"
"Dear Ashlen, I know how you feel. Our son will be gone three years on Dec. 13th. It doesn't seem possible that time has passed so much. I know time moves on. But I feel out of touch with the rest of the world. I get up, go through the day, do…"
"Dear Latisha - You are neither weak or selfish - ever. It does not matter how many days or years go by for our hearts to always have a hole where our loved one should be. Let no one tell you there is a right or wrong way to grieve nor that our grief…"
"Dear Carin - My heart is with you. The anniversary days and holidays are the worst. When I hit six months I was devastated.. I had never not seen or talked with Michael for more than a couple of days; I couldn't believe I had not seen him for…"
"Carin - I'm glad you've made it through. And I'm glad people were respectful - I think they are really, but most of the time they just don't know what to do. All these holidays are so hard - so much brought back and remembered.…"
"Jerica - I am so sorry for your grief right now. Those anniversaries are just as hard; sometimes harder. One year is nothing - it's like yesterday. Be gentle with yourself and know others are thinking of you and holding you in prayer,
"Dear Carin - I'm sorry that your husband is not understanding where you are. We know that "things" are just objects but every time some gets used up - the soap, or I run out of his tablet paper - it feels like I lose him all over…"
"Dear Theresa - Be gentle with yourself with jobs and relationships. You will grieve at your own pace and in your own time. It is unfortunate if the people in our lives don't get that - and don't get that this kind of tragic sorrow is much…"
"Dear Carin - I had my husband buy a safe - a big one - to put all I had left of Michael's things in it. That way I have what means the most to me in a safe place. I would have a panic attack if I thought I had lost anything. and…"
I appreciated reading what you wrote today. It has been 19 mos since I lost my own son. I could relate to everything you said. Praying that 2013 will bring more healing to us all, light, hope, moments of joy. Take good care <3 gentle hugs
Carla - hope you are doing okay - some days I think, "I'm doing okay today 0 not too bad" - but then a meltdown comes before bedtime...I haven't had a sane day since this occurred - keep reading what people write and pray that someday I will be able to cope - we both know we will never forget, but pray that we can get by...Lulu
Carla - I am praying for you to have plenty of strength to get through tomorrow - my daughter's birthday was June 23rd - and to be honest, I was a mess all day long - today she has been gone 18 weeks - I am still counting, still crying, still crushed - I don't think others understand - I know that I wouldn't have before this happened to me...I can't see an end to the sorrow or an end to my memories - I feel like I whine when I come to this site - but it is an outlet for things that I can not say to others...I wish the best for you tomorrow..and if nothing else, you will know that I am thinking of you and sharing your pain...Lulu
HI CARLA, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR "TALKING" TO ME! I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS, NOR WILL I EVER FORGET HIM. I HAVE A DAUGHTER, FOUR GRANDKIDS, AND 8 GREAT-GRANDS, AND ONE ON THE WAY.I HAVE A WONDERFUL FAMILY, AND HUSBAND (MIKE'S STEP-FATHER). WE HAD TALKED ABOUT DEATH BEFORE, HE ASKED ME TO DO TWO THINGS FOR HIM, THAT I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO. NUMBER ONE--TALK AT HIS FUNERAL, AND NUMBER TWO "I DON'T WANT MY DAD THERE". MIKE'S DAD (MY EX-HUSBAND) HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, EVEN AFTER HE GO SO SICK. ON A CELL PHONE CALL FROM MIKE, HE ALWAYS ENDED THE CONVERSATION WITH--"SEE YA, LOVE YA BUD, BYE" I SAID "I AM NOT YOUR BUD, I AM YOUR MOM, HE RESPONED WITH "BUT YOU ARE MY BEST BUD!" WE PUT THAT ON HIS TOMBSTONE, EXCEPT THE BYE. I HAD A FRIEND SING "GONE AWAY WITH A FRIEND" THERE WAS MORE THAN 400 PEOPLE THERE (FUNERAL), EVEN SOME OUTSIDE IN THE COLD. SO WE HAD TO LEAVE OUT SOME THINGS THAT HE WANTED--A SONG THAT WAS TOO LONG. I AM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS WEB SITE, IT SEEMS LIKE SOMETIMES NOBODY UNDERSTANDS, SO IF I START TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MIKE--I CATCH MYSELF AND JUST KEEP IT BOTTLED UP INSIDE. MY FIRST COUNSELOR -- I DIDN'T LIKE, HE WAS A FORMER COUNSELOR AT A PRISON, HE WOULD TELL ME PRISONER STORIES, FINALLY I DECIDED NO MORE. THEN I FOUND ANOTHER ONE, AND CLOSER, AND SHE IS AWESOME!! I WISH I KNEW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU ALL, EXCEPT I DO KNOW YOUR FEELINGS OF SUCH A GREAT LOSS. THREE WEEKS AFTER MIKE, MY UNCLE,MORE LIKE A BROTHER, HE WAS ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME, HE LIVED IN ARIZONA, AND WE COULDN'T GO--BUT THERE IS A CHURCH PEW WITH A MEMORIAL PLAQUE ON IT, IN PINETOP, ARIZONA, PUT THERE BY MY SISTER AND MYSELF. WHEN MIKE GOT SICK MY UNCLE WAS MY ROCK TO LEAN ON! I DO BELIEVE THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON--IT IS VERY HARD NOT TO ASK GOD "WHY"?I GREW UP IN A VERY WONDERFUL CHRISTIAN FAMILY, THAT HAS TRULY HELPED ME, EACH DAY I GET A LITTLE BETTER, SIX MONTHS AGO--I COULDN'T WRITE THIS WITHOUT TEARS FLOWING. I STILL CRY, USUALLY WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT THOUGH, OR AT NIGHT OR THE FIRST THING EACH MORNING. AT FIRST, I PUT ALL OF HIS PICTURES AWAY, THAT DIDN'T TAKE THE PICTURES OUT OF MY HEAD THOUGH, I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO OR NOT, SO I PUT THEM UP AGAIN. MIKE IS "GONE AWAY WITH A FRIEND".
Hi Carla. Thanks so much for your comment. I am a suicide survivor, of sorts, myself. I attempted it as a teenager and, just a few years ago, sought refuge in the hospital to keep myself from going that way again. This I know -- suicide is never "a choice." Those who take their own lives are suffering. They see no other way out (for whatever reason). I'm so sorry you had to hear that [those other comments]. The fact is, your child is gone. I've found myself voicing my opinions -- preaching really -- about how suicide prevention recently. There is so much education that can be done; so many misconceptions. My own saving grace, over and over and over again, has been a close and loving family. Also, just the slow recognition that I suffer from a genuine illness, and eventually gave up fighting the fact that I needed medication to help control it....
But, thank you for your response. My friends who lost their son: they had a gathering over the weekend. Most of their family members (from other states, countries) will be heading home soon. So I do plan to send a note next week; maybe give a call. And I'll keep doing that. My only corollary in my own experience echoes what you said in your note: that to say *nothing* is the hardest thing of all. I am gathering a list of resources, like this site, for my friend. If she hasn't found it already, I think this will be a great comfort. much love, Margaret
I could post a picture of Michael today. He was 28. Through a series of incredible events, his father sent hime with me to Switzerland and Italy for two seeks in October. He is smiling here. The pain of remembering is too much right now, but I hope someday I will feel how miraculous our time together was. Today is three weeks since his funeral. How do we get through
I cling to my belief that they can hear us. That they know we are thinking of them, that we love them. I refuse to think that God would allow us to hurt in vain. I have to believe that whatever love we gave Michael and Christopher that they 'couldn't' feel (because of depression or whatever else was going on) they feel now. That they are happy now because whatever burdens they were carrying on earth are gone and God has given them an open door to experience all the love we have for them and that they are happy.
Maybe we have to go through this pain in order to 'earn' the privlege of being with them in heaven. Maybe those that don't hurt for our boys don't get to spend eternity by their side. But we do.
When my sons were growing up they asked me if I was afraid of dying. I answered "no" and said that I believe when we die God gives us all the answers to all our questions. And I do believe this...and so I believe my Christopher and your Michael know more about our love for them now then they could have ever known on earth. And I hope they are ok because maybe they know that we will see them again and be with them.