Carol J. Dix
  • 72, Female
  • Brattleboro,Vermont
  • United States
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My Sons, Richard

Posted on December 7, 2009 at 8:33pm 1 Comment

Richard's birthday will be next Monday December 14,2009 he would of been 40. It will be 5 months since he has passed on December 16, two days after his birthday. I wish I could just break down and cry, but I can't. I do cry but not for very long. Love him dearly and miss him very much....

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At 7:58pm on February 4, 2010, Carol J. Dix said…
Today I had therapy session.I am writing in my journal. I am taking it one day at a time and making little steps forward. My friends husband passed away Dec 25,2009. In January they had his wake. I went to her house that afternoon after work. It was my first time dealing with someone else that lost a loved one. That evening I went to her husband wake. I was anxious didn't want to go in. But told myself you have to make this step forward and why not be there for your friend. So I went in and said my good byes to her husband. Met his mother she is late 80's. Lovely lady. I only stayed 15 minutes but it was the step that I needed to get my myself healing. My friend Hope she knew how hard it was for me but we cried and she was so happy that I did this. I know my son Richard was watching and was very proud that his Mom did this. One little step leads to bigger steps ........
At 3:42pm on January 15, 2010, Carol J. Dix said…
This is a picture of Richard 2008, Ice fishing. A friend of his gave Jeremy and I a picture..
At 3:37pm on January 15, 2010, Carol J. Dix said…
Well my first holiday without Richard have come and gone. His birthday was very hard, His brother Jeremy and I went over and put up birthday balloons and put some stuffed animals and a 50's blue/white station wagon on their fathers headstone. I kept humming this song which everyone knows, "Jesus loves me" and couldn't remember it but when I went to pick out the car and this frog that said Your special on the heart, right behind the frog....was this teddy bear with the words "Jesus loves me" Boy did I cry I grabbed it and played it and tears streamed down my face. Needless to say I bought it and Jeremy was surprised when I told him what happened when we were over to the grave site. He told his friend" My Mom just surprised me with a "tear jerker"...and he told him. Then Christmas eve was the worst for me, Jeremy, Natasha (my granddaughter) Praisia( Jeremy's g/f) gave me a Clydedale budweiser mug for Christmas, Richard always did that for Christmas for me. I was surprised and sad that Richard wasn't here to give me the mug, but I know he was watching us and happy that they continued the tradition.. Jeremy and I went to the site Christmas day and left him a card and some volkswagons. We love and miss him dearly but also know he is in a better place. I have made some steps forward, went to my g/f husband wake first one I have gone to since Richard passed. My friends husband passed in his sleep Christmas eve. I will never forget my son Richard but I also know I have to go on. He is always with me and always will be. "Richard rest in peace now my first born son"
At 4:46pm on December 9, 2009, Carol J. Dix said…
Dear Victoria,

I want to thank you also for your lovely letter, all of them are so touching ..I can't imagine the pain and heartache that you went through when you found your son, and so touched that his "Spirit" took you there. Your so lucky to have grandchildren from "Justin", sometimes I wish I had from "Richard" but he didn't have any and I now see the reason but it would of given me something and someone to love as much as I love my son "Richard" but at least I have my other son, Jeremy he has a daughter and she is 13 will be 14 the 14 of January..... Always Carol
At 4:40pm on December 9, 2009, Carol J. Dix said…
Dear Kathy,

Thank you very much for your letter. Yes, this is a nightmare. I am very angry at God but I do know that "Richard" is in a better place. With his Dad my first husband, and grandparents...and friends I know he is watching over us .....Always Carol...
At 7:17pm on December 7, 2009, Kathy Mook said…
Hi Carol, I'm sorry your having a rough month. I too have a hard time crying. The tears have come a little easier this month but I still literally have to concentrate to cry. I know that sounds crazy but isn't this whole nightmare like that? I'm not much of a "cryer" and a couple of months ago the only way I could cry was to pick a fight with one of my kids. The pain of them being angry at me would make me cry. It was only my kids that it would work with. Just cry when you can and be angry with God when you need to. He understands. He lost His son too. I'll be praying for you. Hugs of Hope.Kathy
At 5:56pm on December 7, 2009, victoria, Justin's Mom said…
Carol, so sorry for your heartbreaking loss of your precious son. My 28 year old son, Justin, died on July 12, 2009. I too find myself sobbing and then stopping abruptly. Justin died in a car accident and I found my sweet boy by myself 3 days and 12 hours after his crash. I too want desperately to hear from my son's spirit. I believe his spirit led me to him as his car was hidden from view in trees alongside an expressway exit near our small michigan town. I too am wanting him to visit me in my dreams but it only happened once very momentarily a few days after his accident. He was walking toward me and smiling as I woke. It was seconds. It wasn't enough. I too refuse to let go of my son. I want to be with him so badly but I have two other sons and six grandchildren including Justin's 3 little ones, 6, 2 1/2, and 13 month old as of this month. I know the unbelievable pain you are living right now. It consumes me so much of the time. I try to go about day to day living but each morning and each night is the same heartbreak. I feel the days are drifting by and I hate that almost 5 months have passed since I last kissed and hugged my Justin. I am so sorry that you have to worry about how your son died. We believe that Justin fell asleep at the wheel as he drove straight off a curve without braking. He had also been taking xanax for anxiety and we had noticed it made him sleepy. that and 4:30 am time he was driiving home we believe caused him to go to sleep. We believe he died within minutes of the crash. Of course we can never be absoutely sure of that, but we hope he didn't suffer long. I feel your pain. Victoria
At 7:28pm on November 27, 2009, Kathy Mook said…
Hi Carol, I would venture to say that when you were done working your double and tried to unwind, it still hit you hard. I know it did me. I made the whole dinner for my family and missed Jon while I was preparing because he would always sit in his wheelchair in the kitchen and keep me company. I know he would have helped had he been able. But I didn't cry until it was quiet and I tried to go to sleep. I was thinking a lot about all the Moms on this sight trying to deal with the day the best way they knew how. I'm glad a lot are checking in so we can share and know how to pray for each other. Blessings.
At 7:43pm on September 1, 2009, Kathy Mook said…
Hi Carol,
I'm sorry to hear about your son's death. Your grief is even fresher than mine. My son, Jon, died June 29, 2009. It's hard when you don't know what happened. I have a lot of unanswered questions about Jon's death as well. I was drawn to your page by the picture. It reminded me of the box my son's made for Jon's cremains. They put so much love into making it. Truely made with blood,sweat, and tears. I pray you get answers and that you will one day find peace with God. I also lost my infant son, Noah, to SIDS 28hrs ago and the best thing my Pastor told me when he arrived that bleek morning was"Your going to get mad at God, and that's ok, He understands. He lost a son too." I never thought I would but I did get angry with God and I'm sure I will over Jon when the reality really sets in. Blessing to you. I'm glad you found this place to share. Kathy
At 5:49pm on August 23, 2009, Carol J. Dix said…
My name is Carol. I too lost a son July 16,2009. He died at his apartment and we( his brother Jeremy youngest son) We still don't know what happened he was 39 years old. I am having a hard time. I know I will for a long time.But why? Why did "God" take him????

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