I lost my husband 2/21/2008 suddenly from an accident. I still do not remember his funeral, only bits and pieces of the days from when he died and was buried. I do know that I was heavily sedated and whether that was a good thing or not, I do not believe I will ever remember those initial days. For the first year and a half, I functioned in a fog. A haze so heavy that I was forced to seek professional therapy. I wasn't receptive to the therapy and continued to stumble around in the dark it seemed forever. During this time I lost my last sibling, a niece, a brother-in-law, had two major surgeries, and countless other unfortunate events in my life. I realize now that I did not try to help myself progress through my grief and shock. Without going into details, I began to "wake up" from my stumbling darkness and realized that I did want to continue to live. I'm not sure that I previously had wanted to die, I just didn't know how to live anymore without my beloved husband; he was my everything. My days now are not great but not near as overwhelming as they have been in the past. Since I retired shortly after my husbands' death (due to physical impairments), I really dug my hole much deeper but at least now I see the light at the end of the tunnel and work everyday toward fulfilling a purpose each day. It may only be cooking a meal, doing laundry or going to the store but it is not near the chore it was in the past.
Do I miss my husband? The loneliness at times is still overpowering. Do I dream about him? No, I believe my mind protects me in my sleep since I honestly believe I could not cope with dreams of him at this time. Do I talk about him? Only with closest friends and certain family members since I cannot discuss him without crying; yes, I'm still crying but not all the time as I did before. He was the best part of me, he made me strong, confident and vibrantly alive. Now I am trying daily to find out exactly who I am without him.