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In Loving Memory of my son, Christopher <3 April 13, 1980 / June 30th, 2010 <3

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Invisible

Posted on September 12, 2011 at 11:21am 2 Comments 0 Likes

I'm invisible,,so long as I grieve. Family here 'waiting' for me to be normal again. Grief counseling is ok, guess it helps, for a day. Hub wants me 'involved' in 'something' ...sweet mary and joseph, why can they not see. hub tries, he does, my grief just creates more stress on him. And that makes me feel worse. The other 'two' here, just steer clear of me,,unless it looks like i'm in a good mood. RARE. I hate it here sometimes. No friends, no one to talk to, about how I feel,…

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At 12:10pm on May 27, 2011, Carol Roberts said…: Another 'holiday' , this one, the last time I got to spend time with you. and Marking 11 months since you left us. You were so scared to drive up here alone, but you did it anyways, I was so happy you did, and so proud. We had a great weekend visiting, I cooked you feasts and you pigged out, Loved watching that! We laughed, cooked together, and it was wonderful, I always felt complete peace when I was with you. So, this weekend, not planning anything, just gonna ride it through, and remember the hugs, the laughter, your beautiful face and my last hug when you left that Memorial Day, I still feel it.

I'm really doing my best to move forward, it is lonely. And yes, as I read in a post earlier, many folks who said they'd be there for me, were not , and still are not. I've never gone through anything like this before, I pray God, never again. I don't have a huge support network around me. I Know, all I need is God. But some earthly support would be nice <3 I look for it, but as soon as someone hears my story, they back away, now and then drop a caring word or two on facebook. It takes all I have in me to leave the house , to go to the store or what ever, I make myself go, I'm always glad I did, but it's like moving Lead . Some days are easier than others, and I pray they get a little easier, the pain lessening when I think of you, so good memories and love can shine through.

I send out Love and Blessings to all the parents here, God Bless you all <3 and God Bless our Children <3 They are always just a breath away <3

At 10:21am on May 8, 2011, Carol Roberts said…: ouch~~~ I wish you were here, I wish your sister was here, I hope and pray I hear from you today <3 <3 <3, and from your sis <3 Mic is doing his best to make this a good day for me, God Bless him <3 I love you Christopher, I love being your Mommy <3

Happy Mother's day to all the Mom's here, and know we are all being celebrated in heaven by our children <3<3<3 God Bless us all <3

At 10:21am on May 8, 2011, Carol Roberts said…: ouch~~~ I wish you were here, I wish your sister was here, I hope and pray I hear from you today <3 <3 <3, and from your sis <3 Mic is doing his best to make this a good day for me, God Bless him <3 I love you Christopher, I love being your Mommy <3

Happy Mother's day to all the Mom's here, and know we are all being celebrated in heaven by our children <3<3<3 God Bless us all <3

At 12:54pm on May 3, 2011, Carol Roberts said…: Please forgive me for the pain I am expressing. It is so random and so draining. I want to focus on how much I love you, how you made my life so much richer and blessed because you were here , and I was lucky to be your mommy. Seems like the pain is pulling up so much buried crap, sometimes i can barely breathe. I want you back, I want you here, and I'm mad as hell that I can't haVe that. So I lash out, or go hide, angry at the world that my life has been so completely altered. Really we don't realize how important we are to each other, how essential we are. Today , my anger swelled, and thankfully I have a husband who listens, reasons , and holds no judgement. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes, I want the pain and anxiety to stop, but it doesn't, not till it's good and ready. These next couple months are going to be the test, the last couple months of your life here, me grasping at every precious moment I spent with you, or just talking with you. God Give me strength to continue on this journey of healing <3 I love you Chris, keep shining your light <3

At 12:19pm on April 22, 2011, shannon churchill said…: Once again you have said exactly what is in my own heart... the pain does not get better. I have noticed that I cry a little less... not because I am getting "Over It" but because I carry it. I am carrying all of this tragic loss inside my own soul and trying to carry on. I love my son the way you love yours and it is just not right to have to live without them... I saw something this morning that made me feel...oh..a little stronger in my faith in our God. I will try and post it... it is about 30 minutes long to watch... but it helped me. Thank you for posting to me.. I am having a hard time keeping up with the main page lately and have not said much. I was told to hurry up and get my son's headstone done so he has a marker. Well... that went all over me... I fully intend to get him the best one possible but for now I still can't accept he is even there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Much less pick out a headstone. GRRRR. My son's birthday in in October... so I still have a few months before that hard day. God Bless you and I hope you know I totally understand... My family thinks I am nuts because I look at tragic things on the internet about other children, and study NDE'a and think the lights flickering could be Tommy saying hello.

At 12:19pm on April 22, 2011, shannon churchill said…: Once again you have said exactly what is in my own heart... the pain does not get better. I have noticed that I cry a little less... not because I am getting "Over It" but because I carry it. I am carrying all of this tragic loss inside my own soul and trying to carry on. I love my son the way you love yours and it is just not right to have to live without them... I saw something this morning that made me feel...oh..a little stronger in my faith in our God. I will try and post it... it is about 30 minutes long to watch... but it helped me. Thank you for posting to me.. I am having a hard time keeping up with the main page lately and have not said much. I was told to hurry up and get my son's headstone done so he has a marker. Well... that went all over me... I fully intend to get him the best one possible but for now I still can't accept he is even there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Much less pick out a headstone. GRRRR. My son's birthday in in October... so I still have a few months before that hard day. God Bless you and I hope you know I totally understand... My family thinks I am nuts because I look at tragic things on the internet about other children, and study NDE'a and think the lights flickering could be Tommy saying hello.

At 9:55pm on April 21, 2011, Ronda Johnston said…: Hi Carol, I think of you often too my friend... I luv u .

At 9:23pm on April 21, 2011, Carol Roberts said…: well just vented, expressed my self, my feelings, dang thing posted twice, I delete one of them and they both are poof gone! Lord please, i'm tired, no more tests today.

It has been nothing short of hell the past week since your birthday, I did ok on your birthday, making your cake, bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and picked up some good tortilla chips and salsa, it was about all the celebrating I could muster, wanting so much to celebrate your life.

I have felt rage, shock, massive sadness, , irritable, and constantly asking God and everyone for forgiveness for not being stronger. Today I shoveled the garden up, for hours, it never got softer, i dug and dug and dug, determined to work the rage and anger inside of me out. I think I did, cause after dinner, I soaked in the tub ( body hurtin man) and I cried a river, intensely, screaming so loudly nothing came out, but I Know God heard me, and I told Jesus he is the only one that can help me, and I know he will <3 <3 I love you and miss you so darn much , keep shining your light and reaching out to me, I feel you, when I close my eyes, I see you, and when I turn on the radio, I hear you <3 <3 ( the family thinks i'm nuts at this point, seriously, how do I deal with that?)

At 9:23pm on April 21, 2011, Carol Roberts said…: well just vented, expressed my self, my feelings, dang thing posted twice, I delete one of them and they both are poof gone! Lord please, i'm tired, no more tests today.

It has been nothing short of hell the past week since your birthday, I did ok on your birthday, making your cake, bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and picked up some good tortilla chips and salsa, it was about all the celebrating I could muster, wanting so much to celebrate your life.

I have felt rage, shock, massive sadness, , irritable, and constantly asking God and everyone for forgiveness for not being stronger. Today I shoveled the garden up, for hours, it never got softer, i dug and dug and dug, determined to work the rage and anger inside of me out. I think I did, cause after dinner, I soaked in the tub ( body hurtin man) and I cried a river, intensely, screaming so loudly nothing came out, but I Know God heard me, and I told Jesus he is the only one that can help me, and I know he will <3 <3 I love you and miss you so darn much , keep shining your light and reaching out to me, I feel you, when I close my eyes, I see you, and when I turn on the radio, I hear you <3 <3 ( the family thinks i'm nuts at this point, seriously, how do I deal with that?)

At 10:17am on March 29, 2011, shannon churchill said…: Carol, I swear this message below looks like something I could have cut and pasted from my own page in terms of the feelings you are having. Your son in this picture reminds me so much of Tommy. He loved music. Loved Film. He wanted to be a producer and write his own music for it. So smart.... too smart I'm thinking. He was not going to do anything with his life other than that he loved... He told me.. "Mom I would rather be a bum on the street doing the things I love than just getting by doing something I hate or not passionate about." He lived that way. I wish he would have gotten a chance to do more. Have you thought of a balloon release for his birthday? We are already planning that for Tommy. I am looking at never celebrating Christmas or NewYears for the rest of my life. :( He died on Christmas and was buried on NewYears Eve. This web site is the only comfort I get... here people are not afraid to talk to me and are always sweet and ready to send messages to help when you are down. Thank you for posting to me. I love your ocean pictures, the ocean is such a peaceful place to reflect and feel close to your loved ones. Hugs, Shannon