I sometimes wonder how i ever got through everything that has happened, but i have. Now 2 years and 10 months on i am finding i am struggling more and more. I have a partner who is the love of my life, but i feel that my life has been chopped up and swallowed. My sister and my mum are both deceased which just leaves my elderly dad who is 71 (they had me at 44) and a sister and brother both in their 40's. Just turning 26 i found myself wanting my mum more, thinking of life and having children and the important things that she won't be there for, the times of need when i can't call her up to hear her cracking jokes to cheer me up or just the inevitable "pull yourself together" line that she had down to fine art, no matter how much pain, suffering and hospitalization she had to put up with never wiped the smile off her beautiful face, she always carried on regardless. I feel guilty for not managing myself well and feeling so much emotional troubles. The flashbacks are here and the times where i feel i have nothing to go on for ( let me just say i would NEVER commit suicide) just meant as a loose explanation, i don't want to show up for work, i resent my partner when her family are round even though i love them all dearly, i feel resentful that i can never have that relationship again with my mother or sister but it just can't sink in... after nearly 3 years!! i am beginning to think there is something wrong with me. See i have never really grieved properly, i have never spoken about it really, i still suffer panic attacks ( but in secret), my brother tried to commit suicide 3 times since we lost the both of them and now has a borderline personalty disorder, my sister drank quite a lot and she was once the worlds biggest worrier but now she has the outlook of "i don't care" you only live once attitude, we come from a good family, we all have good morals, love, respect, good jobs, senses of humour but most of all we was a great family unit, until it got ripped apart. Nothing feels or will ever be the same and i am struggling more now than ever. i have recently moved away from my dads house to be near the sea and nature in Wales, leaving a fantastic job behind which was the best thing i ever did but i can't get a job here, i have no friends or family here. I do live with my partner who is the love of my life and we have just bought a puppy. I should be happy and i am to a certain extent. The flashbacks and struggling to remember things about them are the worst... i need to find out how to make myself better... everything seems to upset me lately, even TV adverts, i feel i am losing control. It comes in waves, one day i am fine and want to laugh and play about an life feels good, then the bad days come... i don't want to move, i question my purpose, my life. The thoughts overwhelm me until i cry and then i feel better....for a while. A vicious circle. I don't want to bother my family with how i feel because they are feeling it all themselves and because of the age gap between us they both have their own families, jobs and lives with my bro being an alcoholic, my sister doesn't cope well and my dad is old and unwell and missing his wife and daughter being very old school about it and not really wanting to talk about it either. I was 23 when i lost both my mum and sister, 3 years on i am still feeling the same. I just can't explain how i feel... and now i am 120 miles away from where i grew up , friends, family and i just want to get on in life and build a family with my partner ... i am sure the world is against me or that i have done something wrong in a previous life to have all of this pain and suffering.