Catherine Johnston's Groups

suicide's survivors

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At 7:52pm on August 22, 2010, Carrie L said…: dear catherine I am so sorry for your loss. your writing touched my heart. we are truly at a deep loss forever I t thought i had forever and have so many regrets so much guilt. i loved him but didn't let hiim know anything i would do anything. it is very very sad. he didn't know. carrie L

At 10:58am on January 12, 2010, marilyn said…: catherine, i didnt know your son but i can feel your pain, i lost my boyfriend on 8/11/2009 i miss him everyday. i know you are hurting as well, words arent enough. i will try to be there to support yourfeelings of love , there are people who care. hope your doing well take care, marilyn royalpalm beach fla

At 11:05am on January 8, 2010, Carla said…: At 11:04am on January 8th, 2010, Carla said…
This is a wonderful idea. I thought of leaving things at his graveside but the weather or someone might take it... at least I send it out into the world to him. I so cling to the promise that he is alive that he is in heaven that he hears and sees and knows. My faith has been all but shattered over this. It's all that gets me through the day

At 11:04am on January 8, 2010, Carla said…: This is a wonderful idea. I thought of leaving things at his graveside but the weather or someone might take it... at least I send it out into the world to him. I so cling to the promise that he is alive that he is in heaven that he hears and sees and knows. My faith has been all but shattered over this. It's all that gets me through the day.

At 12:37am on January 5, 2010, Carla said…: Dear Catherine: I just read that this is Christopher's birthday. My heart goes out to you. Yesterday I had to buy a birthday card and started looking to the ones for "sons" and fell apart knowing I would never be able to give him a birthday card again. Did you do something special - it is still a day of their birth here.

At 12:33am on January 5, 2010, Carla said…: Dear Catherine - I have found so much comfort here from you and others who respond to me. It is so hard when other people who truly love and care, but have no idea what we are going through. Just knowing that you are thinking of me helps so much. I don't know from day to day how I am feeling or what I should feel. Every emotion is so confusing and I can't make decisions any more.

At 9:37pm on December 27, 2009, Carla said…: Dear Catherine; I wanted to thank you for your encouraging words to me. Every word so far has brought me a little comfort because I know someone else knows what we are going through and how the pain feels. I can't believe our son is gone only two weeks today. Yesterday was horrible and I really thought I was losing my mind. Today is a bit better because our daughter came to help us write thank you cards. I can't look at young mothers with small sons, I can't look at young men Michael's age (he was 28), I can't look at pretty young girls and wonder why Michael hadn't found someone to love him as a spouse. I know I will have memories of good and grace sometime; right now I fight to keep the bad images out of my mind and thoughts. I am realizing how deadly depression is and also the medications used to help. Our son was hurt much in life too, like your nephew, I understand because Michael was so sensitive, but so caring and loving, and allowed others to use him and hurt him. And when he needed his friends the most, they let him down. I hope to talk with you more. I am a person who prays and I will keep you and all those who post on this site in prayer too.

At 7:42am on December 16, 2009, SUE said…: Catherine,
Im so so sorry hun. Firstly let me welcome you. Im sorry you have reason to be here but glad you found us. We get it here. I am glad also that you are doing what you need to do for you. One step at a time, just breathe and please be gentle with yourself. I mean that sincerely. You are a suicide survivor now and with support you will survive. It will get easier to bare I promise. Your nephew sounded like he was just that a tortured soul, but it was depression that took his life, depression as deadly as any disease. If you dont like your new therapist than keep looking till you find one you do. I am sad you dont have support from your husband or family. You have mine here tho. People can be so insensitive to suicide, say the most inappropriate things, anger is natural altho not one of my reactions, but it is many others. I think perhaps your husband is surprised you are this affected he may yet still be there for you, give him time to adjust to this new you. Cause surely suicide changes a person. I think like me you are more sorry for his life while alive and even more so in death.The opposite of anger. Thats how I feel about my brother's life and loss. Even those who seem to have it all have lost their private battle of depression. We each grieve this kind of loss our own way. There is no right or wrong way. What is challenging is to have others close to you not respect that. I hope they come around for your sake but if they dont we are here. Catherine please post on the Discussion board. It is easier for most here to respond there as wall comments can easily be missed. We are a small group here but the numbers unfortunately are going to grow. If I can help please let me know.
((Hugs)) Sue

At 2:04pm on December 15, 2009, Catherine Johnston said…: Christopher died on June 14, 2009. He was 26 years old and had 2 children. I am his aunt. I was just 14 when he was born and he spent most of his young life in my parents' home, with me. It goes without saying that I loved him very much...though you wouldn't know that to have seen our relationship over the past several years. You see, the last time I saw Christopher was May 2005. It wasn't because we were angry with each other or had any problems with our relationship. It was just that I/we took it for granted we would always have tomorrow.

Christopher had his share of difficulties in life and drugs were a part of that. But you should know that if Christopher loved you, he loved you completely. No matter what you did to him or how terribly you hurt him, he loved you. I think that's why he died. He got hurt by EVERYONE in his life. I honestly can't think of a single soul that didn't hurt him in some way. Maybe not in a way that you or I might see it as being hurt but in a way that he would have seen it as being hurt. Even though I don't think he was angry with me or anything like that for not getting in touch with him, by virtue of his death I know that he needed me and I wasn't there. That's what I mean by being hurt. He was a tortured soul for more reasons than I can outline here and for more reasons than I can even count.

I'm here today because now I'm not ok. His death destroyed me. I have 2 sons and I am alive because of them. Because I don't want them to know this pain. But today, December 15, 2009, I am just hanging on by a thread. I went to my husband of 23 years (he's known Christopher since he was born) and told him I would be late getting home tonight because I was going to a "meeting." He asked what kind and when I said "suicide," he asked "why?" I said I was overwhelmed..."why?" he said. I looked at him and told him that not a day has passed in the last 6 months that I haven't cried..."why?" he said AGAIN. I picked up my purse and walked out the door and went to work. That was 6 1/2 hours ago. No phone call from him, no support. My question is this...How on earth do I survive? How do I move on to tomorrow???