At times it is difficult to sleep at night. I do try to relax into a sweet slumber -- but memories sometimes linger longer at the end of the day.
I will be 40 this March. I will be forty, but my little brother would have been 37. In my mind I can logically think this -- but in my heart, he is still 25. Years go by, life continues, and one project or interest turns the pages of time quicker and with more intensity than the last; but he will always be 25 to me.
I continue on, I work, I connect, I reach out, I reach in, --but still, I miss. I wonder what kind of father he would have been. I wonder how healthy and strong he would still be as he was a runner a Navy Seal. I wonder how his children would look. Would they have been tall, like him? Would they have had strong cheekbones and a "Davis" nose? Would they have been as honest and forthright?
Just a bunch of flashes of thought, of wonders....
I guess, I will always dream or image him as still healthy, still smiling and still alive......at least in my heart.
I have known twelve deaths so far in my life. More than some have experienced, not so many compared to others --- but his death was the deepest. I helped to raise him while growing up, and he was my best friend.
I am living through....not letting go. It is a bitter-sweet sensation. Leaves an after-taste and an after-thought of sadness mixed with the strong desire for renewal concerning life.
Just some thoughts that this bout of grief induced. Insomnia and grief are often cruel bed mates.
Bless all who have loved, lost and are living through.......