Chris B
  • Female
  • DFW, TX
  • United States
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Missed with a grief beyond tears

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I love you, dear heart.

Chris B's Blog

Leaving the Site

Posted on May 15, 2010 at 3:29pm 5 Comments

I think this site has reached the point where it's doing more harm than good for me. Up until today it has been helpful in various ways to read the posts of others, and see how others are coping. Maybe occasionally contribute something helpful.

Today I realized that it's possible for me to actually get angry when reading and replying to posts here, which means that it's time to leave. With all the cr*p that's going on in my life, in dealing with Dan's loss, I don't need to read posts… Continue

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."

Posted on March 8, 2010 at 11:30pm 0 Comments

Had the worst day in weeks today. Just got to the point where I completely didn't care about anything. Work, my job, keeping my job, the house, the chores, anything. I considered just walking out on my job and not caring about the consequences. I fought through it, eventually, and the afternoon was a little better. Hearing the thunder (instead of just the boring, grey, drizzly rain we've had) actually helped... I hope we have more thunderstorms soon. Nothing destructive, but something… Continue

And another bad day

Posted on March 7, 2010 at 8:28pm 0 Comments

Tired of this rollercoaster now. My brother was in town for a couple of days, and while he was here I was fine. I could think about Dan without it hurting so much, and put up the front that I was "okay" well enough that I felt okay for a little bit. Until I had to drop my brother off at the airport - the airport where Dan worked. Gods, what am I going to do if every time I go to the airport I lose it?

I wen tto my group after I dropped my brother off, but there was someone using our… Continue

A good day

Posted on March 4, 2010 at 11:56pm 0 Comments

Today was actually a pretty good day. I don't know if it was a sense of calm from having one more question answered, or if it was the face that it was the third day in a row of sunshine, but whatever it was, I was in a good mood practically all day, was focused and productive, and was in good spirits. I even went to dance class tonight (which I haven't done since I lost Dan), and while I'm stiff and sore, I'm still relatively content. I only lost it for a second at class, then was able to flow… Continue

ME Report

Posted on March 3, 2010 at 7:33pm 0 Comments

I got the ME report today. It lists the Cause of Death as "Lobar Pneumonia". The report said "Bilateral lower lobe pneumonia", which is bizarre because he wasn't even coughing on Monday, yet he died Tuesday morning. Not that I'm disputing the findings - based on what the autopsy report said, I can accept that as the cause. It doesn't say what caused the pneumonia, but based on how fast it happened and the reading I've done online, I'm guessing it was bacterial. I'm going to my doctor's office… Continue

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At 8:46pm on May 15, 2010, Chris B said…
Leaving or staying is a choice that each individual must make. If this site is helpful, then stay. If this site is no longer helpful, then don't stay. But the choice is up to the individual, and should not be dependent on what anyone else does.
At 5:17pm on May 15, 2010, Hurting said…
Chris Hi! First of all I am terribly sorry for your loss. My husband left me on Dec 23, 2009 around 4:35p.m.. I had talked to him same day at 2:30 p.m. and he was fine. I came back home from work at 5:30 p.m. and my son took me to the hospital. To make it short he had silent heart attack at 4:35 p.m. and didn't even get a chance to call for help. My youngest son who is 15 yrs old found him and my oldest son who is 24 yrs old gave him CPR till ambulance arrived. When I got to the hospital I saw him and was told that they never could revive him. To say that I was shocked it would be a understatement. I don't have to tell you that part since all of us are experiencing it. In the hospital I had my three sons looking at my face and I could see that they were so afraid. Right then I decided that my life is for my kids. I could have had a attack myself but then who would take care of my kids. Till today I have not gone in depression for the sake of my kids. Of course I am angry with God and I think I am entitled to it. I talk about him with my kids, we all do. But I don't cry for him in front of them of course I miss him and I will. I think what I am trying to say probably not succeeding as well as English is my second language (hindi is my first) that we all grieve our own way. I don't think I would want to suffer for the rest of my life and I don't my husband would want me to suffer either. You have to deal with things as you feel appropriate. Please don't feel bad as everybody are hurting and sometimes we do make mistake. I know this site is helping me and if you want you could only take it partly that helps you heal. My prayers are with you. Sincerely - somebody who knows pain.
At 2:04pm on April 12, 2010, Brenda Van Ness said…
It's been 16 months for me and still feels like yesterday. It got so bad for me I retired from my job. Everything reminds me of the time we spent together and is so very hard to get past this. John was at home in hospice care. I took care of him the final four months (he found out about his cancer 2 months before the hospice) and was next to him when he passed away - which for me makes it all the more difficult. I keep feeling like maybe I could have done something more or it's my fault. I know it's not my fault but I still feel this way. I wish I could move passed this.

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