Christine...thank you for those words of wisdom! I am finding solace in people who have been there and made it through. I never knew someone could feel this much heartache...it's funny I've been thru job loss & relationship break-ups & I thought those were bad....but nothing compares 2 this!! My life seems so meaningless nowadays!!

Christine,

 Omg I feel so bad for you because I know exactly how what you mean..I too think about my brother and and play it over and over in my mind ..it's so awful and I can't stop it ..I get to the point where it makes me ill.I try to get it out of my head then there it is again.and like yourself I've been thinking about it a lot more than usual. I'm wondering if maybe I feel guilty that it was him instead of me..I miss Domenic so much also..Putty is a treasure..Domenic could not of given me anything greater than Putty..we have such a bond ..its like I see my brother every time I talk to Putty.. the way he looks at me ..  its prob all in my head but ..whatever works ..

   I haven't heard from you in so long I thought maybe I offended you when I told you I lived near Modesto..anyhow I'm glad you wrote now .. it seems we went (almost exactly) through the same painful ordeal..so its easy to know how you must be feeling..when I think of my brother,a lot of times  I'll think about you and your brother..I guess its because I feel your pain and wish nobody had to hurt this way .  Anyways  Christine I'm so glad you wrote me and I hope things start getting better for you soon ..but everything in its own time ..I guess we have to feel this way until our hearts heal a little at a time  

 

 

 

Christine...Omg..I'm about 35 miles south of Modesto.. I could of very easily went there.. Somehow things seem to connect.. even tho your at the other end of the states..we could of ran into each other(we shop in Modesto alot)My brother was also creamated..I have his ashes right now ...his wishes were to stay with a family member ..different members ..it doesn't matter who ..or how long each of us would take him... I guess thats his way of not being alone...and I know with me having him..he's not alone  :) 

    You are so right about the difference between losing a friend and losing a brother ..I've lost alot of friends and family also ..nothing compares to how I feel since my brother passed...My mom and dad are both gone and Its sad to say but ..my parents deaths never prepared me for what I would feel with my brothers passing ,not even close..this is on a whole different level of mixed emotions and pain...Like you said ..it hasn't got any easier yet but living now has a whole new meaning..I think about him almost the whole day and night ..he's first on my mind when I awake ...and last when I'm asleep...everytime I look at Putty I see Domenic...(that was his name) It's so comforting having Putty..when I go to sleep he's right next to me with his head on my pillow..I guess we both comfort each other..how strange is that ..lol

   Well I'm off to work ..you take care ,..talk to you soon

 

Thanks Christine..I guess its hard for all of us..Its just doesn't feel right ..I hope your Xmas wasn't to bad ..It was just another day for me.. I just wanted to be alone and let everyone know I was sad..but they could enjoy Xmas without me ..it was ok for them to have fun..I didn't mind at all ..so they left me alone ..thats just how it is for now ..

    Do you mind if I ask you where your brother is burried..or at least the town in Calif where he died? I live in Calif ..maybe i'm near ..I maybe able to help you in some way..I hate the fact that others also feel the pain I feel ..so if I can help to ease it I will..I could check on his graveside and let you know its well kept.. I don't know does that sound crazy ? Its just your so far away ..you might feel a little closer.

Anyway thanks for all your support..I appreciate it

Thanks Christine, I hope things go well for you and your family at your friends , as for me I'm dreading it , but my daughter insists on coming over for Thanksgiving (since she had no plans) lol and we're making chicken enchiladas since I donated my Turkey to the cancer foundation  .. She wants me to realize I still have family and to enjoy being with them .. And I do .. It's just not the same .. My brother was like losing my own sense of being.. I knew him from birth till age 54.. Watched over him and protected him all those yrs .. So it's going to take a long while before the hurt and pain subside ... Because it took me 54 yrs of love that grew stronger every day ... Oranges to ask you : what the name was again of that bk .. When I was going to check it out all my replies onthis legacy were gone :( so I had no title .. You can wait till after the holidays , but I do want to get it .. I'm going to really need it right now 

Christine, thanks for recommending that bk. I will check into that this weekend ..

Christine, I relate so well to what you must of felt..besides helpless..You're thinking some how some way there's got to be a way you can fix it ..but no miracle take place, some how you failed him.Even though we know its not our fault.People try to tell me they know how I feel...but that's not true..there's no way anyone knows unless they to have lost someone dear to them..I seen cancer up close and personal ..there's no way I could of known how someone felt ,..I say that because I've never even came close to feeling the way I do now ..I never felt any thing so horrible and painfull..the disease itself is like trying to fight something so vial and evil..I wanted to rip it out of him...I want to tell everyone who's lost someone that my heart goes out to them ..I'm so sorry you had to go through all the pain and sorrow..

I'm not sure how I'm going to feel onthe holidays .. It was last Dec I invited my brother& my sister with her family to have Xmas dinner (my brothers B'day is Dec.24 )  while we began to eat my brother took 2 bites and suddenly got up.. He was having difficulty swallowing his food .. He ended up leaving soon after not eating at all .. I told him somethings wrong , you need to have that checked.. That's when our nightmare began.. I really am dreading the holidays

Working through grief takes patience, you may feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster you're used to having your brother in your life and then he is gone you dont need to carry the weight around of( i should have done more), you were there with him. Draw close to God in prayer, and he will draw close to you.” (James 4:8)