Dear Cindy, I was just reading your post to Christy, and I wanted to say how much I feel in common with you.  While I am healthy (thank you God), my husband Jack was not at all.  He was a 'brittle diabetic' for most of our married life and that in itself created so many problems.   He had so many episodes where he passed out, severe nerve damage (he couldn't feel his feet any more)..it is so heartwrenching.  He had also fell and fractured his back, so was off work for 2 years and had major surgeries as you talk about Cindy.  In fact 4 surgeries for his back and 1 year in rehab.  His doctor said he was amazed he could actually walk again, but Jack was a stubborn strong man with fortitude I have never seen.  The one thing he was so stubborn about though was his smoking and he couldn't stop, no, not at all.  We begged him, but it was a self fulfilling prophesy, and we found out at 56 that he had life threatening cancer of colon/appendix.   He left us at 57 after a valiant struggle.   We had many talks about death and loss and the future, and I am sorry you were not able to have that with your husband.  The words we exchanged at least gave us some sense of comfort at the end.   Jack too, he wouldn't say anything to me about his level of pain, to the kids though he would and then he would say "don't tell your mom  how much pain I am in, she can't take it" and he would pretend.  He wanted life as normal as possible, every day a struggle.  In his honor I try to be strong and stand up straight, as my mom would say....:)  Each day I get up knowing that he loves me so much and I love him, and it carries me through the day.

I hope you find peace and the knowing your husband Jermone is not suffering through the pain and the hurts but is still within your heart and supporting you through your days.

Hugs,

Carol

Cindy, I understand how you feel. We can't help but wonder "IF".... So many questions and maybe some regrets, but for me at least, it's not about that. Like you said there was a time years ago when your husband could've been killed but you were blessed with years that secured your committment to each other. You shared in caring for one another. That is real love and some people NEVER experience that. My husband had an accident 4 yrs. before that could've killed him, but he came out fine. We were also blessed.

I think for me that this is a lesson in faith, obedience and perseverance. I am reminded daily of the children's song "Yes, Jesus loves me....I am weak, but He is strong."

I am sad to hear you have MS; I know that's just one more thing that makes losing him harder on you. I can't imagine. I never knew anything about MS until 4 months ago & since then I have met 3 other people who have it. One friend here on Legacy, Margarita, was diagnosed recently. I was told by one of them to take good care of myself because she actually was 1st struck paralyzed w/ it after the granddaughter she had been caring for many years died from her illness. Of course Margarita here, also was grieving when it happened. It seems quite scarey to me to know so many people are effected & I never even knew about it. You remain in my prayers.  Sorry for rambling.. Christy

Cindy, I offer you my prayers and best wishes. I feel as you and many others here feel about losing the one who made life worth living. My husband was suddenly gone almost a year ago from a work incident- I don't say accident, because it was neglect that killed my 38 yr. od, healthy, optimistic, soul mate. I don't know how I have managed to exist for almost a yr. without him. We were constant companions & lived & worked together for 8 yrs. Life was great. He accepted a new job 6 months prior to his death that would advance his career... I could barely stand being without him during the work day for those 6 mos. but now I see that was God's way of preparing me to be without him now. So many things that show me God is at work. It hurts so bad, but God reminds me that Larry is great and me & the kids, granddaughter are fine. My church family has really embraced me & I have found new friends through this. I wish you well and try to stay focused on the moment or day, and don't look to far into the future because it causes undue stress. P.S. Cry without shame & don't let others who have not experienced this themself tell you how you should feel! Hugs~ Christy