Colleen
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  • Iowa
  • United States
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Eight Months Today

Posted on October 22, 2010 at 6:52pm 0 Comments

Today, we've passed another milestone, honey. Eight months since you left me. Eight months since I was thrown into a tailspin. Eight months since the beginning of the heart break. And eight months since the last time that I recall being happy.



How I wish you were here with me. This past summer would have been so much different. We would have had so much fun. We always had fun together, just being together. You could make me laugh, make me think, make me imagine and dream. I miss you.… Continue

I Dream of You

Posted on October 9, 2010 at 10:03pm 0 Comments

Sometimes in my dreams you come to me, honey. I get a chance to talk to you and feel your arms around me and hold you again. I get to ask your opinion about things and to really talk to you. The other day I had to ask your opinion about something and you must have known how much I was missing you because you came to me right away and stayed with me for hours while I slept. We had a chance to discuss the issues that I'm facing and (real… Continue

On the Six Month Anniversary Since You Left

Posted on August 23, 2010 at 4:45am 0 Comments

It's been six months ago today that Gary left. I still can't say that he's d**d - can't even think the word. Sometimes I can say to someone that he died, but usually I say he passed away - just as if he was on a raft or a boat and he floated by me and kept going. "Just passed away." Away to what I don't know, and I don't like that he didn't wait for me.

"I must be here for a reason", I sometimes say to myself. But I have no way of knowing if there's any truth to that at all. I've raised my… Continue

10 1/2 Weeks

Posted on May 6, 2010 at 10:00pm 0 Comments

10 1/2 weeks is how long you've been gone, honey. I never thought I could make it even this far along without you. I had gotten so used to having you with me and depending on your intelligence, wisdom, and wit that I didn't know that I could survive at all without you. And yes, I am surviving. By no definition am I thriving - but I'm surviving.



I miss you more today than so many weeks ago. And yes, just as others have told me, going on without you has just gotten harder in so many… Continue

Honey, Help Me

Posted on March 27, 2010 at 6:01pm 0 Comments

The other day the lawyer that is handling Gary's probate said something out of the blue that made me feel a lot better and maybe a bit sadder in a way. I told him that I hadn't realized how quickly I had become one of those women that didn't know much about our combined finances or where certain records were stored. I told him that I had been divorced for 15 years before Gary and I were married and I didn't know how to take care of this stuff again. He looked at me calmly and he said, "You… Continue

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At 5:02am on March 22, 2011, sharon cox said…
Well, I survived the holidays, our one year anniversary, and my husband's 2nd birthday since he passed. In so many ways, I am doing much better, but then in others I am not. I am realizing how "out of it" I've been in all of this, and with this it brings on more "guilty" feelings. I really hate these feelings and the looks on some people's faces when they see me now. Some do not even speak to me anymore and will only speak to my children. I know why they do this, but it hurts just the same. I've had to "let go" of a lot of things that I've been "stuck" in this year. And in time, I know that I will let go of all this guilt associated with it as well. I've got to start taking care of me and stop worrying about what these people think of me or my actions during my grief. It's hard enough to grieve the loss of my husband, without having to feel regret or sorrow about something that I really had no control over at the time. In my heart I know that they truly have no understanding of grief, so how can I expect them to understand me or my actions from the past year. I will get through this whether they understand or not. I have to for me and my girls and that's what's important.
At 10:32pm on December 18, 2010, sharon cox said…

Hi Colleen,  I hope you are doing better.  I am ok, just dreading the holidays like everyone else.  I'm trying to not get myself so worked up about it, but it's hard not to.  I know we will all get through all of this, and it will just take as long as it takes.  I just get frustrated when I have a set back.  I don't like feeling like I'm doing better only to be ambushed by it all over again.  It is really draining sometimes.  We will all get through this together.  I just have to remember to reach out that has been hard for me.  I hope you are seeking support, it really does help.  Hugs to you and I am here for you.

At 10:06pm on December 5, 2010, Susan Mayer said…
Hi Colleen - Thanks for asking me to be your friend. I reached the 3-month mark today since Steve has been gone, and I think the past month has been harder than the previous two. The numbness is wearing off, I suppose, although the approaching holidays probably aren't helping either. I'm glad you're blogging your progress; it's so helpful to see how others are progressing, that they're experiencing what I'm experiencing. I still cry almost daily, go from sorrow, to rage, to anxiety. A roller-coaster; I imagine you know it well. Take care - Susan
At 9:38pm on October 10, 2010, Dottie's Daughter said…
Thank you for the kind words. I'm still having a difficult time accepting my Mother is truly gone. I am really trying to live by the belief that she would never in a million years want me to be sad because she is gone. I'm hoping each day will be better and better as you said and at some point I will smile instead of crying when I think of her. For now...the sadness makes my heart ache. Thank you for telling me she would be missing me too. You are right. That is exactly what she would tell me if she could. Thank you again....Hugs & prayers to you.
At 4:05pm on March 12, 2010, Lynn said…
Hi Colleen,
Yes I went back to work 2 weeks after Mike died. We worked for the same company, but I could not work for the same store he did because he was the General Manager and I am a deli manager so we worked in 2 different locations. I had to go back to work to keep my benefits and vacation. It as been very hard for me to work, but I just try and stay focused when I am working--I go to work at 4 AM right now..I write my own schedule and they would prefer me in at 7 or 8 AM, but if I go in early I am exhausted when I get out of work and its easier for me to sleep. I have many hard times at work that I end up in the bathroom or walking around alone until I can compose myself. Sometimes I stay at work l2 to 13 hours..its sometimes better. I have such a hard time coming home from work. I always called Mike and chatted with him about dinner ..if I was cooking or he was going to cook (his idea of cooking was which restaurant )we used to eat out 2-3 times a week. . Mike and I would joke also about death, but like you said it was a joke...I would explain to him he better not leave me here...he said he would not ..he was going to outlive all his bothers and sisters...I was ok with that just don't leave me alone. He would make jokes to me that he was going to spoil me so no other man would make me happy..He did a great job. I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I can't imagine this life as it is now. I try not to think of tomorrow because I can't. I know Mike would not want me this unhappy, but that is where I am in life...
At 6:32am on March 11, 2010, kathy obiedzinski said…
coleen:
thank you so much for yur response. i am not sure i told you about my husband he also became tired his legs hurt him i thought because he gained weight the pounds he put on was to much for his body to handle he also was on medication for mytro prolapse which is high blood pressure. i fee we are in the same boat both similar stories. please feel free to write me when you feel down and out. i am here even though i do not know you my heart goes out to you.keep up the faith thank god for grandchildren to keep us going
At 6:59am on March 9, 2010, kathy obiedzinski said…
coleen
i do not remember writing how george passed he was complaing of stomach ache and coughing he went to the computer and i went to bed all of sudden i hear a boom i know george get charley horses and he go to the floor because it hurts so much i called to him if he is ok i did not hear an answer so i went to the computer room and there he was on the floor i heard his last breath they tried to give him cpr i called the ambulance at 1157 they came worked on him put oxygen by the time i got to the hospital my youngest son came out and then i knew he had passed. i went to the hospital to get the exact time he arrived at the hospital at 12:43 and passed 12:46 that was a day i would never forget my best friend ever
At 6:48am on March 9, 2010, kathy obiedzinski said…
colleen
thank you for your support. i am so sorry about your loss i know how it is. i still cry and cannot sleep at night some times i am ok the only thing i have is the good memories of my husband and i for almost 35 years. my family is there for me always the are always checking up on me too see how i am doing. it seems something has to happen for people to get to talk to you expecially when you did not get along before this death happened i have 3 grandchildren ages 9 and twins age 3 3/14/10 they did not forget about pop pop its funny that the twins know who pop pop was. they think he is asleep when i show them a picture they say pop pop is sleeping i just let it as they think about 2 weeks ago on of the boys came out of bedroom wearing georges tie i almost burst into tears he put it around his neck. coleen please try to take it easy i went to a therapist and i just let everything out. i cried and was very angry and i am still i do not need anybody trying to be my friend when that were not when my husband was around. again my heart goes out to you and your family. please keep in touch also this grieving support is the best because you hear about others grieving and you say gee mine is not as bad as others but you still grieve
At 3:14pm on March 1, 2010, Colleen said…
Gary wasn't feeling great, but we kind of figured it was the same stuff that he's been dealing with for a long time. Last Monday he collapsed and I was trying to help him get up. When I couldn't get him up I called 911. It all happened so quickly that I can't figure out how he died. The paramedics got here and the next thing I know they're performing cpr, loading him up and rushing him to the hospital. I thought they were going to come to help me get him up, maybe take him to the hospital for a couple of days of oxygen treatments or something and he would be fine. But that's not what happened. He passed away in the ambulance from what I understand. It all seems like a very muddled up nightmare that I can't wake up from. And oh how I miss him.

Thank you for understanding and I am sorry to hear of your loss as well. I just think that 57 is too young to die. My brother died a few years ago, also at 57 y/o. Gary was there for me then as my strong shoulder to lean on. How heartbreaking to know that we won't have the retirement life that he had worked for and that he had just started.
At 2:23pm on March 1, 2010, Yvonne said…
Colleen
I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you have found this site. Here you can say anything you wish and no one will criticize you.Please know that you are among friends here.
I lost my Larry on August 9, 2009. We were married for 38 years. He was also 57 when he passed. He passed suddenly and I find that hard to accept. I am beginning to have some good days but still have some really crappy ones. Go at your own pace, don't do anything sudden unless you absolutely have to.
I know what you are saying that it is worse that you could have ever imagined. The loneliness I find is the worst.
If you just want to get something off your chest this is the right place...we all understand.
Take care Yvonne
 
 
 

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