Well, I survived the holidays, our one year anniversary, and my husband's 2nd birthday since he passed. In so many ways, I am doing much better, but then in others I am not. I am realizing how "out of it" I've been in all of this, and with this it brings on more "guilty" feelings. I really hate these feelings and the looks on some people's faces when they see me now. Some do not even speak to me anymore and will only speak to my children. I know why they do this, but it hurts just the same. I've had to "let go" of a lot of things that I've been "stuck" in this year. And in time, I know that I will let go of all this guilt associated with it as well. I've got to start taking care of me and stop worrying about what these people think of me or my actions during my grief. It's hard enough to grieve the loss of my husband, without having to feel regret or sorrow about something that I really had no control over at the time. In my heart I know that they truly have no understanding of grief, so how can I expect them to understand me or my actions from the past year. I will get through this whether they understand or not. I have to for me and my girls and that's what's important.

Hi Colleen - Thanks for asking me to be your friend. I reached the 3-month mark today since Steve has been gone, and I think the past month has been harder than the previous two. The numbness is wearing off, I suppose, although the approaching holidays probably aren't helping either. I'm glad you're blogging your progress; it's so helpful to see how others are progressing, that they're experiencing what I'm experiencing. I still cry almost daily, go from sorrow, to rage, to anxiety. A roller-coaster; I imagine you know it well. Take care - Susan

Thank you for the kind words. I'm still having a difficult time accepting my Mother is truly gone. I am really trying to live by the belief that she would never in a million years want me to be sad because she is gone. I'm hoping each day will be better and better as you said and at some point I will smile instead of crying when I think of her. For now...the sadness makes my heart ache. Thank you for telling me she would be missing me too. You are right. That is exactly what she would tell me if she could. Thank you again....Hugs & prayers to you.

Hi Colleen,
Yes I went back to work 2 weeks after Mike died. We worked for the same company, but I could not work for the same store he did because he was the General Manager and I am a deli manager so we worked in 2 different locations. I had to go back to work to keep my benefits and vacation. It as been very hard for me to work, but I just try and stay focused when I am working--I go to work at 4 AM right now..I write my own schedule and they would prefer me in at 7 or 8 AM, but if I go in early I am exhausted when I get out of work and its easier for me to sleep. I have many hard times at work that I end up in the bathroom or walking around alone until I can compose myself. Sometimes I stay at work l2 to 13 hours..its sometimes better. I have such a hard time coming home from work. I always called Mike and chatted with him about dinner ..if I was cooking or he was going to cook (his idea of cooking was which restaurant )we used to eat out 2-3 times a week. . Mike and I would joke also about death, but like you said it was a joke...I would explain to him he better not leave me here...he said he would not ..he was going to outlive all his bothers and sisters...I was ok with that just don't leave me alone. He would make jokes to me that he was going to spoil me so no other man would make me happy..He did a great job. I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I can't imagine this life as it is now. I try not to think of tomorrow because I can't. I know Mike would not want me this unhappy, but that is where I am in life...

coleen:
thank you so much for yur response. i am not sure i told you about my husband he also became tired his legs hurt him i thought because he gained weight the pounds he put on was to much for his body to handle he also was on medication for mytro prolapse which is high blood pressure. i fee we are in the same boat both similar stories. please feel free to write me when you feel down and out. i am here even though i do not know you my heart goes out to you.keep up the faith thank god for grandchildren to keep us going

coleen
i do not remember writing how george passed he was complaing of stomach ache and coughing he went to the computer and i went to bed all of sudden i hear a boom i know george get charley horses and he go to the floor because it hurts so much i called to him if he is ok i did not hear an answer so i went to the computer room and there he was on the floor i heard his last breath they tried to give him cpr i called the ambulance at 1157 they came worked on him put oxygen by the time i got to the hospital my youngest son came out and then i knew he had passed. i went to the hospital to get the exact time he arrived at the hospital at 12:43 and passed 12:46 that was a day i would never forget my best friend ever

colleen
thank you for your support. i am so sorry about your loss i know how it is. i still cry and cannot sleep at night some times i am ok the only thing i have is the good memories of my husband and i for almost 35 years. my family is there for me always the are always checking up on me too see how i am doing. it seems something has to happen for people to get to talk to you expecially when you did not get along before this death happened i have 3 grandchildren ages 9 and twins age 3 3/14/10 they did not forget about pop pop its funny that the twins know who pop pop was. they think he is asleep when i show them a picture they say pop pop is sleeping i just let it as they think about 2 weeks ago on of the boys came out of bedroom wearing georges tie i almost burst into tears he put it around his neck. coleen please try to take it easy i went to a therapist and i just let everything out. i cried and was very angry and i am still i do not need anybody trying to be my friend when that were not when my husband was around. again my heart goes out to you and your family. please keep in touch also this grieving support is the best because you hear about others grieving and you say gee mine is not as bad as others but you still grieve