Corrine Cayton
  • Female
  • Vancouver, WA
  • United States
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  • Marilyn Hannah
  • Kim
  • Jacqueline
 

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Joe Fabian

 I need to express what is going on in my mind and my heart. Time spent and memories I do not want time to diminish. I think of Joe all the time. My daily being is a constant reminder that Joe is no longer by my side. Everything I did daily I had him in mind. My life revolved around us. I loved being loved by him. I still walk around like a lost soul everywhere I go. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. I don't listen to music like I have always done. I dont enjoy it right now. I am reminded constantly of moments we shared. Talks we had. Wrestling. Joe played the hermonica so well. He had a great sense of humor. We lived our lives together every moment we could. I am so grateful for all the times he layed off work because he hated to be away from me. His work took him out of town and spending the night alone was not something either one of us wanted. I don't know when if ever I will come to accept or understand why he is not with me right now. God knows and I suffer in my loss. I will see my love again. Joe always teased me that when it came to be my time he would ask God to let him take that knock on the door when I wanted to come in. Hello Corrine, Hi Joey, Have you been good? Oh yes Joey I've been good. He told me that we would be together in Heaven. It is so important to me that I never forget the little things.He took such good care of me when I was sick. He was such a great cook. He loved to experiment with seasonings. Create his own sauces. He was hard on himself and always wanted our meals cooked perfect. I was always impressed. We had so much fun at the grocery store. We loved crab and ate it till we were sick. Oyster shooters, yummy! He would have fabulous meals prepared for us when I would get home from work. Start with salads and whatever he he thought he'd like to surprize me with. New Years of 09 we enjoyed filet mignon at 3 in the morning. He cooked and I video taped. I never really appreciated food and eating it until this amazing man came into my life. Never be the same for me ever.  Joe wrote me some beatiful love letters. His writing was so eloquent. I treasure those most. He was a big man. He was a black belt and for a guy in his mid 50s he could still kick high and with good form. His mother was a piano teacher so he had a natural musical talent. His father was the fire captain in Roseburg Oregon. Joe always worried about fire. Never leave the dryer running when not at home. I have many pics and short videos of us. I have beautiful pics of the Columbia River Gorge on the Oregon side. They are all from the view of a train engineer from his I Phone. I have them framed and hanging around the house. Joe shared his day everyday through pics and text when he could. We were always so connected. My soul mate. Today is the day after the Super Bowl. Last year on this day we took a week vacation. We went to Roseburg where he grew up. He showed me all around his stomping grounds. Joe took me to meet his childhood friend Don. We  sat around and I listened to some good stories of the guys growing up in Roseburg. Good time. He told Don I was his wife to be. I loved that. We spent the night in a motel right along the highway and of couse our room faced the noise. Next trip to Roseburg we stayed at the Windmill Inn rm# 165. Much better!  We drove along the Umpqua River, so beautiful. We stayed at Diamond Lake in a little cabin along the lake. We had a great view. Alot of snow was on the ground. Guess it was February. We were going to snowmobile. I was sick. He went to get us dinner from the lodge. Joe was not impressed with how employee's handled the food so he went to the store down the road and brought back 2 frozen dinners, cup o noodles and instant coffee. We watched the Winter Olympics on tv and he entertained me with his goofy humor all evening. Such great memories. We left there the next day. Stopped at the split of the Umpqua rivers where they come together. Very beautiful. We stopped and had Chinese at his favorite place in Roseburg, Kownoon and then headed for the coast.We listened to a song on the radio I think was called The Monkey and the Engineer. No joke. Funny as hell. I would like to find that song again. Joe wanted to surprize me with a fantastic stay at the coast and he did not dissapoint. We stayed at Overleaf Resort on the Oregon Coast. The room was amazing. I had flowers and chocolates and champagne and a yummy scented candle waiting for me. This was my Valentines gift from him and I was overwhelmed. We had a fabulous dinner at a great restaurant,The Yachats River House. I had Escalar. One of the best meals I've ever had. We laughed our entire trip along the coast. It rained sideways! Wind and rain the entire trip. Our view from that room in Yachats was panoramic. The best room they had. I felt so special. Joe had such a way about himself that the women there at the motel stuck around to meet him just from talking to him on the phone. He was so fun. So full of life. He had not spent time driving along 101 the Oregon Coast.  We drove through the different towns along the way. Cannon Beach being one of them. That is another story for a different time for me. We stayed at Chinook Winds in Lincoln City. Joe went to the store and bought wine a little stuffed Bear that said, I'm Your's and a balloon that said Happy Valentines Day. On our way home we stopped at a place in Seaside called Bigfoot. We knew that we would be back to stay and hang out there. Never happened. All I know is I miss this man constantly. We had so many plans. We worked so hard towards a common goal and it did not come together for us. I love him so much. My heart beats out of my chest. I pray for strength and acceptance. I want to be with Joe. My time will come. I want to believe that good comes from loss and I have a renewed faith and I need to learn more about this short time we do have on this earth and why we are here. We all have a purpose and I know that Joe came into my life to enrich our being. I just was not even almost ready to let him go. Not up to me though. I do not think I can spend the summer in this town that we lived in together. I hear the train horn every night and it hurts. I do not want to see the train going up and down the Columbia River Gorge. To painful. I dont want to drive anywhere near the gorge. To many memories of bike rides. I dont want to go to the Coast. Joe and I had been there just before he died for his sons wedding. The hills around this area are beautiful. There are so many pretty places. Joe and I spent alot of time riding around on his bike checking them out. Grocery Stores, different neighborhood bars and eateries, places that we never made it to. It is all around me and it is suffocating me. I hear the train now and I swear it screams in my ear. I have a friend that lives along the river but right next to the tracks. I can't go over there. I have Joe's pictures around it gives me comfort. He took those pics for me. They are through his own eyes and I see and feel him. He was too young. He had so much to live for. He was a beautiful person. I put a Valentine in the local paper in memory of him. I am a lucky woman to have known this man. We truly did have it all.  I am a Blessed woman for what he gave me...........HIS HEART.

Corrine Cayton's Blog

Double Heartache

Posted on March 31, 2011 at 12:00am 0 Comments

Joe died suddenly last October. My grief was almost unbearable. We had been working hard together planning our future. I had over time moved almost all but furnishings into his house. We were house shopping. Between us we each had 2 boys, all grown. Joe's oldest son had married 2 weeks before he died. The reception was the following weekend. I got the phone call nobody ever wants and my nightmare began. I have struggled over loosing my life partner. My best friend. Dreams we shared will…

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Missing my Tazz

Posted on January 15, 2011 at 9:30pm 0 Comments

I'm sitting here on my couch feeling so alone. It has been raining all day. My man Joe has been weighing very heavy on my mind today. Tazz was his nickname. He had a custom Harley called Tazz with a pic of the character on his bike. He also had a Road King that we used to love to take out for a ride. I'm grateful that we had a chance to go for a ride one week before he died. We took the Harley to his sons wedding reception. It was a little cold. I wrapped myself tight around him. He was a very… Continue

My Mr Fabian

Posted on January 6, 2011 at 2:51pm 0 Comments

I must continue to share my sadness, my loss and my lonelyness of Joe. We were not married yet. We intended to start house hunting and getting married after the first of the year. As it turned out I should have married Joe when he suggested it earlier. I had most of my home moved into his. We wanted and needed more room. Joe and I began working hard together to combine or get rid of years of accumulation on both our parts. He told me he finally had a reason to want more in life. That reason…

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I feel that I have found a sounding board. I'm struggling every minute of every day over the loss of the man I gave my heart and soul to. I am so lucky to have had the time we did have together. I fe…

Posted on December 27, 2010 at 9:00am 1 Comment

I feel that I have found a sounding board. I'm struggling every minute of every day over the loss of the man I gave my heart and soul to. I am so lucky to have had the time we did have together. I feel cheated and completely heart broke over Joe's sudden death. I torture myself over the if only's and why has this happened. I am still in a state of disbelief that this man who was my best friend, my life partner could possibly be gone. Joe died while…

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At 9:10pm on March 1, 2011, Kim said…

Hi Corrine,

Thanks for thinking of me. I am doing better, but things will never be great again as I'm sure you know. It seems like I take a small step forward then a giant leap back. Some days are still much harder than others. I was laid off from my job most of the winter and just went back to work last week and am very thankful for that because sitting home with my thoughts all day is not good. I know your Joe and my Jerry are with us and will always be in our hearts. I talk to Jerry everyday whether he can hear me or not. Not one night has gone by since his death that I haven;t told him I love him and miss him. Some people say they get signs from their loved ones. I wish I did.

At 10:57pm on February 28, 2011, Marilyn Hannah said…

Thank you for thinking of me. Yesterday was the first day I haven't cried alot.

Charles has been gone 4 months and my heart feels like it was yesterday but my mind still can't grasp that he won't be back. I wouldn't bring him back if I could. I wouldn't want him to go thru the bad days again. I know I will see him in heaven again. My 9 year old graddaughter reminded me of that just yesterday. We were sitting in church and she got to looking in his bible at his highlighted passages and she said his spirit was with Jesus and we would all be together again. i know I have to be strong for her.

At 2:35am on February 21, 2011, Marilyn Hannah said…

I was just thinking about you & wanted to see how are you doing.

I am sorry I haven't check on you sooner.

Had some really tough days.

I am glad Valentines Day is over.

 

At 9:35am on January 12, 2011, Jacqueline said…
my is such a long story but i will try to cut it short and thanks for asking to hear it.my husband was a hard working good man. one morning he woke up wit a little discomfort in his chest and left arm i took him to er where they said he had a heart attack. the next am the dr. did an angiogram and came out and told me my husband may have an abdomanal anurysim cause he had a hard time getting the wire through. well apprently the wire tore the annurysum and threw debri down to his feet cause his toes started turning blue. he eventually lost his right leg below knee and half of his left foot. The drs in new orleans  who rellaced the aorta with a graft said he had to clamp so close to kidneys he may have kidney damage. well he did and ended up on dalysis. My husband must have had at least 25 surgeries after that . the last few monthe before he died he fell backwards i bathroom and broke his back in 4 places. 2 months later on our way to dialysis some cut in front of us and my husband sufferd a fractured hip and ruptured bowel. he was in icu for a month till he finally died.I had been with him through out hi 13 years of suffering but because he was in icu at the end i was unable to be with him 24\7.although we were all with him him when he died he was unconcious and we couldn't speak. I regret so much that i wasn't able to be with him as i always had been before he was put in icu.as i am writing this although it has been over a yea it still bring tears to my eyes and i wake up feelin so sad every morning. we were married for forth three years and i just can't seem that i will ever get over it
At 9:11pm on January 8, 2011, Marilyn Hannah said…
I am so sorry you didn't get to tell Joe bye. As hard as it is to go on without Charles I did tell him bye and that I would always love him. I also promised him I would be strong and I am trying to be. My birthday was Oct. 28th and he had told our 2 girls that he would not die on it. About 5 PM he woke and reached for me, hugged me and told me he loved me. I knew then he wouldn't make it to long. He was stubborn, he fought until 3:30 Am the 29th. He had the chance to talk to both our daughters and each of the grandchildren. I know God gave us a special blessing. Please email me any time.  Your new friend. Marilyn
At 8:14am on January 8, 2011, Kim said…
You may have received 2 comments from me. I was having computer problems last night and received an error message when I tried to add the first comment
At 8:13am on January 8, 2011, Kim said…

Corrine,

I am sorry for your loss. Life is so unfair. I wish I had some encouraging words but I don't. I have been taking it day by day just trying to get through the life I am left with. It has been very hard. The holidays were very difficult to get through. I am hoping this new year will bring some kind of joy back into my life. It has been 7 months since Jerry passed away and I will say I do not cry all day long anymore, but do cry often. I am getting out a little more, but everywhere I go and everything I do I am reminded of my husband. He is all I talk about and I'm sure people get sick of it every now and then, but he was everything to me. If you ever need to vent I am here to listen. Sometimes just sharing my pain with someone else who truely does understand what I am going through does help.

At 7:27pm on January 7, 2011, Kim said…

Corrine,

I am sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. I wish none of us had to hurt so much. I wish I had the answers, but only God has them. I try to live the life I am left with the best I can but it is very hard to go on without my husband. It has been 7 months and it still seems so unreal. Everywhere I go and everything I do I am reminded of Jerry because we aways did everything together. I can't imagine another 40+ years without him. People tell me I am young and I will love again someday, but that is the furthest thing from my mind. All we can do is take it one day at a time. Any time you need to vent I will be here to listen. Hugs to you!

 
 
 

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