I read what you had written about Christmas. . .there is nothing that hurts me more than the meaning your words convey. . .for me, there is putting up James' clothes, putting up Wills clothes but never never putting up Philips. . .what do you want on the pizza. . .two answer but never three. . .where are my brothers used to be the question. . .now there is no question. I feel your sadness and the same empty weak feeling.
I love the picture of your son. It is so beautiful. What a handsome young man and I can tell the two of you adore each other. I have pictures like that. .. but no more.
Please let me know if there is anything I can do. . .just listening.
Just read an old comment you had sent regarding talking with your son. Funny I had just e mailed Cindy's mom Julie this story:I stopped at a consignment store they sell items from the season and had a whole wall of Christmas ornaments and I was drawn to the angel ornaments. A lady approached me and asked me if I bought things from the store and if I did I had to "Remove the negative energy" " light a tea light and run your hand over it and say Bad energy be gone...." I told her she was scaring me and laughed. She gave me her card and said that she worked at an engineering company around the corner and something made her come over there. All of a sudden she started flinching her eyes really hard and rapidly and her upper body started jerking she looked like she was having a petite mall seizure. But in the next second she looked at me and said “Is there a man in his 30's?" My heart stopped and I asked her why she asked me that... I googled her when I got home her firm was a Pipeline engineering firm that my son was required to take his courses. I was never a believer unless I could touch it or understand it . Her card read Onthewingsofangels I actually felt him that whole weekend both his sadness in the loss of his leaving behind his beloved kids and I felt his heartbreak and sorrow as I stood holding a sweater of his to my chest. I went to his grave that weekend and I actually heard his laughter at me for putting so much stuff on his grave. He was not a foo foo person and I had placed a wreath and tree..his grave was already covered in flowers and gifts. I truly heard him laughing and he asked me what I was doing and I spoke out loud and laughed telling him that this was what people were supposed to do. Am I a believer? How can I not be? Why is it this complete stranger comes up to me and asks if there is a man in his 30's? I have been able to speak with my son a few times also and what a comfort
I havent logged in for a while now But wanted to let you know I think of you often and my love goes out to you. I pray for all to have strength this christmas as it is so hard to celebrate when we have such emptyness inside as well as the unbearable pain at times.
I know what you mean about christmas my youngest died nov of this year so this is all so new to me, but people keep telling me i have to put a happy face on for my other children, why they don't even have happy faces we all are just going thru the motions for each other where I would have just prefered to have skiped this year all together. People especially family mean well but if they haven't been where we have been they just don't understand.
Hi diane I hope you are doing ok. thanks for the advice about the compassionate friends I will give it a try. There is nothing this sad in the whole world. you have seemed to get therapy and try to help this unending pain. I don't want it to go away. I would like to fix it and my mind works on it all the time. but it is not good. acceptance would be good but my mind doesn't want that either. talking to moms seems important and i am thankful for this site. Carrie L
You are right. I think my husband tries to be strong because he sees me so helpless. But like you I can feel stronger and comfort him when he is having a bad time. I think he is probably very frustrated that he hasn't been able to make me better after 11 months.
Hi Diane thanks for writing. i will go to compassionate friends. perhaps i will make some friends. this issad.... but i don't expect it to change my whole life didn't evolve around my kids they were are fiercly independent... perhaps if i had smothered him in love this wouldn't have happened. it is horrible. and i think about it constantly... take care carrie L
Hi Diane - one day when my husband came home from work I was crying and looked up at him and said - you aren't trying hard enough. If we both pray hard we can get him back. He looked at me as if to say, you poor dumb thing. It was a mixture of pity, amazement, sorrow. The only thing that helps me to accept that we are grieving differently is knowing that he is the only one in the world besides myself suffering the same loss. I found other avenues of support for myself, because I finally came to the realization he couldn't give it to me.
Always Tyler's Mom
Diane. i feel like you do. first and last thing on my mind... thing sounds funny. thought is better. I wish it were different. i can't imagine anything being so horrible. I feel the same way you do.. ball up with tears constantly. people on tv remind me of him when i went to the car show everyone reminds me of him and what i don't have... i am so sorry there is nothing we can do. except keep waking up making the best out of our day and being consumed by this saddness..... love to you... i am thinking of going to compassionate friends.. see what it is like. carrie L
Hi Diane - thank you for such a beautiful response. You said everything I think and feel every day. I used to think that after one year I would be better, now I realize that I will never be better. Different, but never better. I spent a good part of this year thinking that if I prayed hard enough I could bring him back. I told my husband and he just looked at me. Not only does he have to suffer losing a son, but looks on at a wife who he cannot help.
Tyler was a great person, lots of wonderful friends, a beautiful girlfriend, loving parents. I could never imagine he would not be here with us. We will not see him marry, have children, start on a career. So sad.