"I am a widow of a very good man who passed in 2014 without me with him . We were married
For 25 years . I was in love with him and him with me for 40 years but we were both in unhappy marriages however in 1991 we united together as his wife had…"
I am a widow of a very good man who passed in 2014 without me with him . We were married
For 25 years . I was in love with him and him with me for 40 years but we were both in unhappy marriages however in 1991 we united together as his wife had passed and I divorced an abusive spouse .
We worked hard , had a great life then a stroke struck him in 2010 and he just gave up . He began to not recognize me and would greet me with a loaded shotgun upon my arrival from work . Dementia had set in and there was no going back to normal . It got so bad I had to divorce him as we owned a company and his actions of driving a mtr home whenever he felt like it scared me for the liability it put on our company along with me greatest fear of him killing some innocent person . If I hid the keys he wd call the manufacturer and order another set .
I remember crying every night in hopes I would wake up in the morning alive . It was horrible to live like that and the worst was this was the man and best friend of my life departing me totally with no memory of us . I had his son in another city take him in for fear of my life . I sold our beautiful home and lost everything over a bankruptcy 13 that I paid for for 5 years alone . His son instead of caring for him let him sit in a chair and die and took all his money and blew it . Then one day sept 14,2014 his son calls me and said my dad is dead with no explanation to me . They hated me and felt I had abandoned him when in fact they would not help me with him except to take his guns away which then he turned more anger toward me and would greet me with a knife . It was insane for two years , the fear , the heartbreak, the struggle of trying to keep us afloat all the time knowing he was dying .
The guilt I feel everyday to this day is so unbearable I can hardly deal with it . I felt I let him down ,I felt I should of known his son truly did not care about him , only his monthly income of 4000. A month which I made sure he received for his needs .
I have had no closure of my life with him as his son had a memorial and did not want me present . Two years later after begging his son for a part of his ashes , I was told send them money and they would send me some . So I did and they did send me a very small bag . I know he is always with me but it does not stop the guilt I feel and the extreme loneliness of life with out him after waiting so many years to get together with him .
I still cry each night yearning for this good looking cowboy to wrap his arms around me but it never happens . I have no interest in finding any other man in my life because no one could ever compare to him and all his wonderful qualities . I have one 44 year old daughter who has decided years ago to hang me out over pure jealousy of what my husband and I built together . She has never been there for me so I am and have been totally alone thru everything . I say to God each night ,I have no one , no family ,not a single person who cares about me , just please let me stay healthy do I
Can continue to work and support my self and he comes thru for me .
But the depression , severe loneliness and guilt is beyond my own common sense as to how to get past it . It haunts me and there are many days s I just want to give up as I feel I’m worthless to anyone . Only because no one cares nor do they understand the real love and respect we had for each other . He trusted me and I failed him by sending him to a son I thought would help him not let him go down hill and do nothing but watch and collect his monthly income . I feel only hate for his son and hope his day comes to pay for how he treated a very good dad his whole life . I always think , I pray there is a heaven after death that I can see him again because the thought of never seeing him again to tell him how sorry I am is unbearable to me .