My name is Don and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner of 17 years just a little over 3 years ago and at this point in my grief I feel I'm just beginning to feel human again. I agree with what Sara wrote in that you are just…"
You so aptly describe what it is like. The first time after Luis passed that I went shoppijng I was like, "I don't know how to do this!". I was dazed! And yes the empty house... We had just moved from a place we lived in for 19 years that we loved! (Landlady sold the property--a widow herself). We moved to a smaller house with much more rent and not as nice. After going through all that stress of moving (Luis was not able to help---I had to do the whole thing), he died a month and a half after. I was stuck with a year lease in a 2 bedroom. I'm sure the landlord would have worked with me but so much going on with "post-death" stuff as you are aware and grief, I couldn't take on the added stress of moving once again. So I stuck it out there for a year even though my financial circumstances have been radically altered, and moved again to a one bedroom apt last July. STILL haven't gotten the "gumption" to even hang pictures. Much of our stuff remains in storage and I keep putting off dealing with "stuff". At least moving AGAIN forced me to scale back on his possessions and clothes, though we wore the same size mostly! Still, much of it just went into storage rather than deal with it. But being in a different place does help---something you might consider when you're ready. I used to hear Luis call my name from his bedroom (snorers) as he often did in his sleep. not sure if I was asleep or it was his spirit. very strange. Since I have moved, or maybe it's just time that has done it, but I no longer hear his voice at night---which in a way I miss but it is nice to not see that room wth him not in it--was always such a reminder. Still, as you say, there are constant reminders which are nice but sometimes make you lose it. One thing I have that is sort of comforting is a little teddy bear with a zipper and a zippered heart, holding a small bit of his ashhes---available on Amazon, if you have ashes, hair or such. Luis and I sleep together every night and watch our favorite TV shows together. :-) (Though we had separate bedrooms we would share the bed many nights). We've got to stay strong---our guys would want that
Thank you for your welcome, Don, and your kind words. It has been a little over a year since I lost my Luis, who died unexpectedly in his sleep (really the only comfort, that he didn't suffer. I'm glad you weathered the anniversary ok. Luiis and I were together 20 years and were registered domestic partners. We missed the first "window" for getting married, not dreaming that the marriage right would be rescinded1 So when it became legal again in California in August of last year, we (ironically) were talking about setting a date in October the last night he was alive--we talked about how much we loved and needed each other---a beautiful evening. Little did we know he would be gone the next morning, Septeber 5. 2013. I too, like you keep wondering when I willl feel normal again. So depressed often and find I have little interest in doing anything. Been going to a psychiatrist who has given me meds but doesn't help so much. (To be true, I have struggled with depression before as has Luis). have you had the same problems going out and doing things? Sort of like, what's the use? Thanks for letting me share. Just often feel like my life is over for the most part.