Thank you for replying. There truly are burders that are too great - and the suicide of a spouse is one that is beyond belief! But, God is there to be there for us to lean on and carry us (Footprints in the Sand) and hold our hand while we work through the stagesl. And when that toaster of a brain we have just pops out the pain in strange places, circumstances and after years you want to hide under the covers and pretend it was another life ago, God is there to turn to. I am not a church goes - too much hypocrisy(?) but I pray all the time, try to lead a good Christian guided life, never purposely do harm to anyone but yet some days I still need him so much the pain is still physical.
The tears with arbitrarially appear, anniversary days are so difficult - had he lived we would have been married 48 years and looking forward to the 50th. But when I look at my beautiful children/grandchildren I know he is still here. But, don't misunderstand. Most days are fine. I have moved on. It is like you learn to live with it but you never get over it!....I hope that what I have to share helps you in some little way. We all survive in our own way. I have always wanted to give testimonials to groups of newly grieved so they know that life does go on and the sun rises and sets and kids grow and prosper, but there will always be piece of me and of the universe that is missing. And how blessed I was to have shared those years with that wonderful, magnificent man!
This is my first visit to any support group and I already feel that I should have been here years ago, but when I went through my nightmare there were no support groups and it was just not talked about. My husband committed suicide September 24, 1975. In some ways it seems like yesterday, and in others it seems like a former lifetime ago. But the memories are still there in vivid color, the smells, the touch, the change in the air current when he walked in the room, the safety I felt when I knew he was near, the terror I felt the entire 16 months he was in Viet Nam, the pain of 3 miscarriages and the joy of our adoption of 2 un believably loved babies. Everyone said, not Steve, never Steve - he was always someone we went to when we needed someone to talk to = but in those days they didn't recognize PTSD and I knew he had demons he fought but I had no name for them. He note was a mess of ramblings that made little to no sense, and he had lost his mind in a world of paranoia and long gone enemies, ......but sometimes in 39+ years I still cry until the tears are gone; I still am angry over his absense at graduations and birthdays and the birthdays of grandchildren. I remarried 2 times since his death, but they were just wishful thinking on my part - there was only one real love in my life and I met him when I was 12, started going steady at 16, married at 19, and he died when we were both 30 and I raised a 2 year old and a 5 year old. He would be proud. His dad has joined him but his mother and brother and all the rest of his family is still here. The hardest is that his son, we was 2 has no memory of him and I still work tirelessly to keep his memory alive for him - to let him know what a wonderful, and damaged man he was. He was human...but I disagree with one saying - that God only gives us what we can handle - there are many things on this earth that God did not give us but he is always there to help us to handle what the rest of the world puts us through.