I am  finding out lately that my son has been coming to me.  The first was last Friday night with first whistles all in my left ear, and then MOM as loud as possible followed by the most freakest scream of pain.  A friend told me it was the devil.  I said I can't believe that.  As I talk to my best friend of over 30 years who is a sensitive, me on the East Coast her near the West Coast, as I spoke the words of contact, she felt my son. She said he contacted me that way to let me know he was in alot of pain when he took his life.  My heart instantly was at peace though I still cried.  Since then, there's been a penny in my walk, and now I just smelled cigarette smoke in my bedroom and I don't smoke one bit!  I also started talking to him out loud as I do my daily chores.  I find more closeness with him and know that he is right next to me.  Standing in the kitchen the other day, I could feel and slighly see a form next to me, left side. I caught a slight glimpse and he moved twice then was gone.  Oh my heart can almost be at peace. The only time I will cry is to tell a stranger my son killed himself.  So I have stopped that.  I just say I lost my son recently and that's that.  What comfort it brings.  As a matter of fact and I can't explain it but the way he did it with a gun and the suicide is really not a huge factor right now.  I feel 2012 is going to be very disastrous for the world and maybe just maybe he saved himself from a much worse death.  But I do have my days where I am still a robotic, numb, crying, mom.  My life has changed forever. Now if I can get my younger son to calm down and talk to his brother alone and talk to me with more respect, even though my life has changed, one would be a very good change.  God Bless All of You for now.  Truly first believe in Christ, then Signs.