Among much bad luck in his 45 years was losing his real dad at the end of the 80's, just when they were getting back together after years apart. Then he found me, and as my lawyer daughter says, 'You didn't adopt him. He adopted you!'  He hitchhiked across the country a dozen times, always coming back to visit me in Montréal, the last half with Lady. He tried to get me to move to BC, but I worried about work. I did a spell in Toronto, then Calgary, then up north for a bit, eventually made it to Victoria. Took me a while to get here, which probably contributed to his death. I got here in 2010, and we had a good Christmas, and he got sick in March and was gone in September, 2011. I even flew them up north to me for Christmas 2009, but it was too cold for them, and I had to get them tickets home before Christmas came. His comic saying was that, when he went out to smoke, it was so cold up there that Lady was standing on one leg! So, just me and the dogs now.

Thanks for any prayers you can. He was a quiet, good person.

Gloria, As I have said in the past, caregiving is a 24/7 job and it WILL pull you from every angle you possibly can be pulled and then some!  You ARE stronger than you think and YOU ARE a survivor.  You are doing all the right things for yourself.  Seeing your dr. about your antidepressant medication and a counselor are good things for YOU.  Go to the counselor and talk through your emotions, issues and whatever else is on your mind, but you need to open up to get help.  I still am going to counseling and I know when it is time to go back because I start to get anxious.  

Your son's gf is lucy they only gave her 2 weeks off w/out pay. In todays economy they could have fired her and thought nothing of it.   My husband's employer was so offal to me while he was so sick if it were legal I would have slapped his supervisor so hard his head would still be in orbit! Your son and his girlfriend need to step up to the plate and start taking responsibility for themselves.  They will soon find out the world owes them nothing and as her employer has already expressed they will not tolerate excuses.  You can give them support but you cannot solve their problems.  The baby is a gift from God, so welcome it as a new beginning and enjoy the smiles, laughter and tears this baby will bring your family.  

Your dreams are possibly from being over tired, and sometimes the antidepressants will escalate them.  Make sure you tell your doctor about all of this. You are burning your candle at both ends as you carry the worlds troubles on your shoulders.   

Stay strong my friend.  Hugs, Jane P.

Gloria, you are a caregiver and a survivor of suicide both are 24/7 jobs.  You are pulled from all angels and people can and will be cruel.  It sometimes takes a tragedy to find your true friends, and that is sad within itself! I have included a web site address which may assist you as a survivor of suicide.  If you have time please go into this site and read what they are saying.  I think it may explain what you are experiencing and assist you with the understanding your inner feelings.    http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/help_heal.shtml

I will keep you in my prayers. Sending many hugs, Jane P.

Gloria, I know first hand how caregiving takes over your life.  It can smother you if you allow it.  My poor husband wanted me to get out but he did not want me to leave, I was so overwhelmed with caring for him I never looked at his feelings in all of this.  He was 59 years old, dying of cancer, using a walker, potty chair, etc. and I sometimes looked at caring as my job.  But I did it out of love as we all do and I would do anything to take care of him for 1 more hour, one more day!

Gloria, take time to breath, sometimes you do not have to leave your home for relief, I had a special room set up with candles, a room for peace, somewhere to escape to to put my feet up.  No dogs and no husband, just me.  I would meditate, cry, scream, pray or just loose myself in my thoughts and I would leave my room as a new person waiting to accept the challenges life will throw at me.  

My husband had no choice within his sickness, it was something God threw at us and we needed to do our best to get through all of this.  He will always be in my heart as my parents are who proceeded him in death just 2 yrs before.  But these deaths so close together were all part of God's plan and I need to accept this and move slowly forward!

It is with one baby step at a time we can come to terms with what our life has become, what we need to do to help ourselves, what we need to do to accept what has happened within our lives and try to move forward, yes one baby step at a time.

You are in my prayers.  Hugs, Jane P. 

Hi Gloria, my name is Jacqueline Rowles, 67 and my wonderful son Chuck Williams 37 committed suicide Dec. 22,2010. He was in a relationship for over 14 yr.and had 3 children and the mother of my grandchildren was cheating  on him. You asked why God allowed this and I can only say that all of us have free will. God loves us so much and he hurts when we hurt, truly. It is so hard to understand so many things like the recent Colo shootings where a 6yr. old child was murdered. God gave this man free will and he used it very horribly. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people also. This world is not what God wanted when he first made Adam and Eve. The world is the devils. I can't wait to get to heaven. Blessings Jackie

Gloria,

I am so sorry to hear about your son Mike. It takes a lot of time to heal, there are up and down along the way, feeling like 1 step forward and 2 steps backward, but you will find peace at one point.

I receive your post to my email as well. I am not a religious person, and definitely not a church person. I have studied Bibble for 6 years in high school and surely know enough of God.

Recently, i watch two movies " God" lead casting by John Denver. I want to share the message from these movies to you.

God provides us all the resources, freedom and each other. It is entirely up to us to make the decisions. He doesn't make the decisions for us, he doesn't interfer our decisions. God watches us and our decisions ache his heart. You know God is as sad as you are because your loss your son Mike, God doesn't plan on Mike goes back to him that way!

Don't doubt God, dont question God. God has nothing to do with the good and the bad, we do that for ourselves. God only provides what we need! Why we have war? instead hating each other, we could love each other. Why we have hunger? instead wasting food, we could share with each other. Why we aren't all christian? instead believing in God, we question him.

Hi Gloria.  I just your most recent post.  It was such a beautiful message.  I too know that God has taken my Marlene to him and that she is allowed to visit me and my daughter often.  It has been a year and half since she took her life.  She was 43.  A beautiful, successful teacher, but she lost her only child at age 14 three years ago and after that her husband divorced her for another woman.  I think she was just tired of being here on earth and I know God knows that.  Like you I know I will see her and my grandson again.  And I also know she is finally at the peace that she sought for so long.  But I do miss her so much.  And some days I just cry a lot.  The other thing too is that we and many of her close friends don't think she did this by herself.  I feel there was foul play invovleved but the police dept would not reinvestigate.  So in summary, every day is new day  with a new struggle.  But I try to remember God is Good, and to everything there is a season. 

Gloria, You are so new into this and I am not saying time makes it any easier because it does not but the numbness subsides. Our pain will always be there and there will always be a piece missing from out hearts.  We will never be whole.  There are too sides to me now.  The one that goes out in public and the one that stays home.  I have found NO ONE wants to here about our loss, NO ONE wants to give us the time we desire and need and EVERY ONE has moved on with their lives.  Unless they have walked in our shoes they truly do not understand what we are going through nor do they care.

I too had abandoned God and I am just starting to come back.  I have been going to several different churches to see where I feel the most comfortable.  I pray for all the souls who have passed and for all of us for strength to get through this.  Sending many hugs, Jane

Gloria, As you know caregiving is a full time job and to add a sudden death to the mix does not allow you to grieve properly.  I was caregiver for my father, my mother and my husband and one by one they all passed away.  All of this was within 3 years of each other. My husband passed 10 months ago.  First I hit the brick wall at 90 miles an hour and then I have nothing. Nothing to do and no one to talk too.  I retired, with no regrets, 6 months before my husband passed.  We never had children so I am alone.

My friend, who lost her daughter to an aneurism, 2 weeks before her 16 birthday, has helped me through my grief.   Gloria, take time for you, something almost impossible to do when you are the primary caregiver. Don't be a martyr like I was, refusing help when help was available to me. There are visiting nurses, therapists and aids that can and will come into you home to assist you.  Your mother might be entitled for hospice care.  

Your plate is full and you are grieving stay strong.  I will keep you in my prayers.  Hugs, Jane P.