Helen Coleman
  • Female
  • Lake Worth, FL
  • United States
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At 11:30am on November 30, 2012, Helen Coleman said…
Here I am again. 5 days shy of 5 months. I know its almost time because it was a full moon again. I stop counting days, now I count moons. My heart still aches and I think of him every single day. I cry almost every day. I am scared of the holidays coming up, scared of new years since we have spent every new years together. Scared of my birrthday, Valentine's day, Easter, and his birthday. I am broken still, I just hide it better now. I cant see the beauty of life any longer, and liquor doesn't make the pain go away anymore. Wish things were different and I could be happy again.
At 11:15pm on August 15, 2012, Vee Herrera Michrina said…

Dear Helen,

Blessings : )
I think it is so wonderful that Macho treated your son as his own, that will never leave your son, nor you, and even 
efftec future generations. Barry was like that as well with my daughter Sarah; he would take care of her needs, listen to her, play ball with her and always there for her. She misses him too. He was in her life since she was about 6., she’s 17 now.
Did he pass away just 43 days ago?? 
It will be 4 months for me that Barry has been gone on the 16h of this month. I saw a grief counselor yesterday, and cried my eyes out for over an hour, it helped me so much!  It’s so ironic because Barry always had a lot of faith in seeing counselors to help us heal, make peace, or understand ourselves, etc--and so I know he would of been so proud of me, yesterday for seeing a grief counselor. I go back next week. I learned how the first 6 months is very raw, and that around the 6 month mark it can even get worse, because the denial part is finally becoming real. I am still in denial she said. I talked of my faith in God and that has sustained me.
Because Barry left me a life insurance policy from his work, i also felt really baldy about taking it, and so I put in a house and paid it off so the money would be gone and I could let it go. Barry never had any children. I also suffer guilty that I didn’t marry him but I my counselor said, “He knew how much you loved him” that HELPED ME SO MUCH!!
I am also looking for GRIEF SUPPORT groups and need to look more because all I found so far was the greivance counseling
at Hospice, which is good but I need a group. I Should of asked the counselor.
Helen, hope you are having moments of peace and comfort. Ilove the scripture in the Bible, where Jesus speaks of the peace that HE can give us and that the world cannot. 
John 14: 27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Blessings,
Vee
At 4:23pm on August 9, 2012, Vee Herrera Michrina said…

Helen, I think you are too tough on yourself....we are not ourself when the world is pulled like a rug out of under our feet. I lost my health 6 years ago and the hell from that is nothing compares to losing "my mountain”--he was my strength. I find at times during the day I can momentarily pretend he is still here, but then my brain says’ Barry’s gone” and I fight an internal struggle with emotion, anger, hurt, and logic that says it’s true and the logic says< "How can this be, he has always been there just like that mountain over yonder”. I feel silly at this age of 49 for not expecting this when I would someday experience a loss if I didnt go first...

I wish I would of married him, I feel guilty for not marryng him, but due to my car accident that left me in so much pain and no work I felt I needed to get well which I never did. I want "to scream til he comes back”. If you need a little vodka for right now then so be it! You’ll slowly mend but not as you were, but you will : ( that’s the saddest part of life we have to live without those we love at somepoint and they us, and it seems so pointless...but here we are on this open sea of crashing waves and cold winds and deep waters. We are prisoners of nature. yet the sun is kind and the cool breeze is a gentle kiss.

I want Barry so freaking bad, I close myself up in my house like a mouse with no purpose...I am going out soon here to go to the store just to walk out the door. 

He would be so proud of me for seeking out support for grief and hopefully being a good ear for those who suffer with loss too.

You must live near the beautiful waters? I miss living near the ocean, I am in Colorado now and miss the beach (San Diego) but due to health I cannot drive that far any longer. I miss it so much! the smell and sounds of the water and sand. We are but a beautiful piece of sand on the glistening strand...I hope In the endless sea, Barry and I find eachother again--what else is love for, but to seek us out again and again.

Blessings and gentle hugs 

Are you eating????

I know how the sleep goes too. Strange time

vee

At 12:49pm on August 6, 2012, Vee Herrera Michrina said…

Helen, How are you? I know you are in a fog now and time has stood still. Please let us know you are okay.

Prayers, Vee

At 9:22pm on August 4, 2012, Vee Herrera Michrina said…

Dear Helen, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear boyriend, your message really stood out to me as I too just lost my boyfriend/companion/best friend of 11 years. It’s been 3 months and I am still in shock, disbelief, anger, confusion, sadness, numb, depressed and hopeless feeling. We did everything together.

HE died in his sleep and I feel the same guilty feelings: "IF I had spent that weekend with him, his heart would of been happier”. “IF I had married him like he wanted to, he would of not died”. and more...

He was the most extraordinary person I knew and I will always feel a devotion to him and his memory. I feel badly that I didn’t marry him: I became injurd in an auto accident in 06 and felt embarrased of my chronic pain and lack of being able to work so I moved out and lived alone and he still remained as devoted as ever. He looked after me with my condition.

I am so so upset and cannot accept that he is not here to spend time with, to walk through my front door making my dogs all run to him. I Miss him is an understatement, I LONG for him and I love him and more..

Have you tried working on ways to memorialize his memory? I have a couple of ideas: a bench at the lakeside with his name on it, and in living my life with his spirit in me (his generosit was unmatched in my lifetime). And I want to plant a garden area of my home --and maybe an angel statue. It helps in some small tiny way....

I understand some of your pain, even if not all. I know how much I love Barry and am even angry at him for abandonning me. I cannot imagine my world without him. I wish I would appeciated him more. I thought he would be here until he was old and frail...

My prayers and hugs to you

Blessings, Vee, Colorado 

 
 
 

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