On Monday, the movers were over and loaded up the big items in our new apartment.
I had only been living there for a month, he had not moved down yet but had half of his old place was with me. We were actually north of Tampa, I see you were St. Pete... we were going to try to get out more and get more friends once he had moved down... I don't make friends very well.. I am very shy and sometimes quiet... He was the exact opposite of me...
Thats what I loved about him, he was a big strong tough irish man, but on the inside he was so soft.. and I knew his heart just as he had known mine...
This was my first relationship, he had helped me come out, he had stuck with me through school, through living abroad, through work... I lost such a good man. Im so sad.
On Tuesday, I drove all the way back up the coast the next day alone. They are dropping off our stuff this weekend.
All of this moving around, doing things, drastic change of life has sort of kept me busy, but inside I am so freaking lonely and incomplete. I am trying to compare or at least express how I feel... It feels like a forced break up, where I cant do anything in my right to get him back... Its like a time you get into a fight and neither one of you want to be the first one to say sorry to the other person or say this is stupid why are we not talking (me and him did this sometimes), but you cant end the silence.
I am also very scared of trying to form my new life now.. and also for me to trying to piece it all together..
Few more days until the weekend... On Sunday, I find out if I have to work out of NYC for an undetermined amount of time for my company. Its like a 50/50 at this point.
After this is over, they are planning to have me work out of NJ... I still have to start looking for a new place... my family had taken me in temporarily...
Issac,Know that there are many of us who undertand your great loss and are also struggling to find some way to deal with unbearable bereavement. My spouse and I were married for 3 years but partners for a total of 53 years.His sudden loss is great and devastating. We had achieved all our dreams of a wonderful life living together, and then in retirement, and things just ended overnight. I am so grateful we had all those many happy, fulfilling years together but mourn the loss of the many more we could have shared. I can sympathize with the fact that you and your partner never had a chance to fulfill your imminent plans to share life together and hope you can find relief from your deep griving you are experiencinmg. Keep reaching ou to people who have had similar loss of partners and they may be able to offer you some insight into jhow to deal wwith all of this. I believe in the collective wisdom of our peers and belong to several on-line organizations that specilize in LGBT Wodopwer's and Widow's bereavemt meet-ups. Explore all your options and do not just depend upon one group which may or may not offer you assistance and solace.
I can't say I know exactly how you feel (because nobody can) but missing someone dearly is how we got here. I'm very sorry for your loss but I'm glad you found this site.
My Tim died very unexpectedly, just about 6 months ago, and I didn't find Legacy for (emotionally) a very long time. I ran across it while trying to figure out what's what. Get my head screwed back on.
Being a member of this site has helped - that really means something coming from a jaded cynic like me. And I've learned important things.
I've learned that it's very equalizing, sharing grief. I was beginning to think I invented feeling like this as my friends and family (not always the same thing) had already moved on in their lives (how dare they) while I continued to relive the same day over and over. Stories and posts from other members no matter their background, who they lost, or what support group they joined continues to surprise me how similar their fears, their feelings of confusion, their thoughts are to my own.
As an added bonus I've made a couple online friends here, too (which is also something I don't do well) (I roll old school).
It's only been 9 days for you and you're here already. That in itself shows some kind of special resilience and resourcefulness. Grief can be a long process and oftentimes a real struggle. Let yourself go with it. Crying is good. Throwing things is even better.
If you ever feel the need to open up to a complete stranger there are none stranger than me and I'd be honored to hear about your life and lives together.