• Female
  • Buena Park, CA
  • United States

Jan's Friends

  • Janka
  • Alexandra
  • veronica  christopher
  • Diane C
  • Anna May
  • MaggieP
  • Carol Kayser

Jan's Page

Latest Conversations

Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"Hi Christina, I'm so sorry for your loss. I have children also and I know it's hard to grieve with kids in the house I tried to be strong for them so I would hold my tears in until I was in the shower or late at night. I think that just…"
Mar 19, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"Elizabeth, I too had periods of forgetting what had happened. The first year when I would wake up in the morning for the first few seconds I was in my old life then it would hit me what happened and I would be pushed back to this horrible nightmare…"
Mar 19, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"Renae, If I was you I would go to a community grief counseling. Someplace free that would not keep a record of your attendance. If you used medical services or used your medical insurance there would be a record on file and someone like a license…"
Mar 18, 2015
Jan and Janka are now friends
Mar 17, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"Renae, I would have mailed him his baby pictures and not let him come to your home. My husbands family actually tried to take things from me. My husband had a classic car that his parents handed down to him as a teenager. Thank goodness the title is…"
Mar 14, 2015
Jan replied to Janka's discussion The loss of my beloved man. in the group Bereaved Spouses
"I am so sorry for your loss. It's so wonderful Jan found a way to let you know he is okay and he loves you. I believe our loved ones that pass stay awhile to help us through our grief. Many of us on this site have had messages from beyond the…"
Mar 13, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"Elizabeth, everything you said is exactly how I feel. I lost my husband when I was only 47. I have 2 kids they are in their early twenties but leaving at home. We have had 2 christmas' without him. I ran away for both holidays. I live in…"
Mar 13, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"Today it's been 2 years since my husband died. My heart is still in a million pieces. I actually got mad at him today for leaving me. As if he had a choice. How crazy is that?"
Mar 13, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"It's my husbands birthday today. He used to look forward to going out for his birthday dinner. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to have for dinner. Dinner for one. I'm tired of being lonely and grieving everyday. I wish I…"
Mar 3, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"Yesterday I was listening to the radio and all the flower commercials made me sad. I thought about all the times he gave me flowers. I went outside to the garage to put a load of laundry in the wash and there was one red rosebud on my roses. Just…"
Feb 14, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"My husband used to call me everyday at his lunch time. He's been gone a year and every morning I wish that call was coming. Wish I could hear his voice. I wish I could tell him to pick up some milk on the way home."
Feb 10, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"My husband and I had the talk about who would die first. It's strange now to think about that talk. 3 years ago I got breast cancer. I was trying to prepare him for my passing in case I didn't make it. He wouldn't hear what I had to…"
Jan 11, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"Kathy, You are not alone in this journey. My husband died just over a year ago. I still cry everyday but I can tell you it does get better it just will take a long time. I used to have meltdown crying spells everyday and now that doesn't happen…"
Jan 10, 2015
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"Thanks Marsha. You're right about my kids worrying about losing the other parent. My daughter told me that. I had breast cancer 2 years ago and they worry the cancer will come back with the stress I am under. As for therapy my daughter went…"
Dec 29, 2014
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"I hope someday I will have some peace and happiness. I took my kids away at Christmas. I can't bring myself to decorate or put up a tree. I avoid family gatherings. The thought of sitting at a table without my husband next to me is too much for…"
Dec 28, 2014
Jan commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
"I live in the same town as my mom and siblings and talk to them all the time so why must they guilt me and make me feel worse because I choose to take my kids out of town instead of celebrating Christmas with them. I don't feel like…"
Dec 24, 2014

Profile Information

Jan's Blog

First time on this site

Posted on May 25, 2013 at 10:47pm 1 Comment

I lost my husband to a massive stroke in March. He had complained of a bad headache but didn't want to go to the doctor. This went on for 5 days until one night he had a stroke. I was supposed to take care of him. It's my fault he's gone. I've made him go to the doctor before. Why didn't I this time. I cry every night in bed and when I wake for a few seconds I think it was just a dream then reality hits and I cry some more.

Comment Wall (4 comments)

You need to be a member of LegacyConnect to add comments!

Join LegacyConnect

At 1:37pm on February 7, 2014, Helen Duncan Hutchinson said…


Buy yourself a valentine card from you to your husband.   I have been doing that for Christmas, birthdays and valentines day for four years now.   May not help but it can't hurt can it?


At 3:56pm on May 30, 2013, MaggieP said…

You are welcome Jan.  I had many issues to deal with too.  I was feeling extremely guilty one day and couldn't stop crying.  I opened up a book by Earl Grollman titled Living when a loved one has died.

I found the passage on guilt, and at the end it said

Awise member of the clergy once said, "I believe that God forgives you. 

The question is: Will you forgive yourself?"   I read the whole thing several times, and that last part stuck with me.  I was creating the guilt, and could not forgive myself.  Once I accepted that, my guilt got less.  It didn't disappear, but it wasn't so intense. 

You need to forgive yourself for having made the right decisions at a time when the last thing we want is to have to decide anything!


Hugs to you Jan.  Keep taking baby steps, let the tears fall, and let the wound in your soul heal. 

At 10:02am on May 26, 2013, Diane C said…

Hi Jan,

I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to join our group. It is a great group to join and they are always here to help us. I lost my husband on 8-1-12 to Pancreatic Cancer. He survived 1 year after his diagnosis. There is a mix of ages and we have both widows and widowers. But as I said they are all wonderful. And just reading the blogs will help you, on the days you do not want to chat.

You need to click on the Bereaved Spouses group and you can read all of our comments. You can also introduce yourself and join in the conversations whenever you choose. The top of the page is where you leave your comments. Let me know if you have any other problems.

At 9:23am on May 26, 2013, Janice F. said…
  • Hi Jan.  Sorry you have to be here and so sorry for your loss.  It is not your fault.  I think that feeling is something most of us have at first.  My husband Don had been to his kidney dr on June 24,2012.  I noticed an alarmingly high number on the cardiac part of his lab work.  I begged him to call the cardiologist right away but he wouldn't.  Said he had an appt next week.  But on June 26 he didn't wake up.  I blamed myself for a long time.  A counselor made me see that I couldn't have changed it.  I hope you come over to the forum, lots of people there to talk to...who can help and will understand, as we are all where you are.
  • God Bless, and Peace to your heart.

Community Guidelines

Please be respectful of others. For more information, read our Community Guidelines.

Follow Legacy

© 2019   Created by Legacy.com.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service