Jeri,

 Part of my neuro problem is rambling and memory and cognitive issues. I forgot to say that I still have another 3 years of the long term disability insurance, but I also have Teachers retirement which under a disability will pay me the same benefits as if I retired. So if I get that and in another 11 months (if it's still around) I'll get medicare and can stop paying almost $500/month to COBRA my Insurance. If I didn't do the COBRA then any policy I took out would exclude existing conditions for 2 years.

My email is "fjdunn(at)satx(dot)rr(dot)com" I have to write it that way so people webcrawling for addresses will not get it but I think you know how it really is. I wanted to give that to you so if you are ever in dire fiscal shape and I can help, I will.

God bless,

Fred

Jeri,

 I apologize for saying what I said. I thought about it but then I thought how much it would hurt my son. I'm just living month to month right now with SSD and Long-Term Disability insurance for another 3 years or so but they subtract from my benefits what I get paid by SSD. I live in Texas and the homes are relatively inexpensive for a decent HOA neighborhood so I can pay my mortgage and have some left. Other than that I have no debt except the regular bills which I always pay at the beginning of the month whether I have their bill yet or not. I keep all the bills on a spreadsheet and put monthlys on it. I have to have that structure to keep from getting anxious over it as I also have PTSD and anxiety. I am also reclusive and my hair is past my shoulders now since I am to anxious to go to the barber.

I went through Catholic Schools and even have a stepbrother that is a priest, my mother and stepfather (my real father died at age 44, 5 years after he had his first stroke. When Rose passed away and I was her care giver as well as her husband and I feel I let her down.  I so much want to meet with her again. I still don't go to church much unless it is something special or my stepbrother says the mass at one of our homes, but I had to start thinking of where my Rose is and how to best see her when I pass. So I have changed quite a bit that way but still wish he would just take me. I hope I don't hurt you saying this but just as my Rose passed and I didn't, I just have to think there is a reason. One of the stories that has been burned into my head is the story of Job. For that one story I always say to myself "We are all in Gods hands and a part of his plans" in good or bad times. Just like the rollercoaster of being married and life in general.

It's definitely OK to just have a good cry when you think of something or it's near the holidays or your "special days", I still wake up thinking she is here.

God bless,

Fred