Jerry Matheny
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At 1:55am on May 29, 2014, Jeffrey Bickel said…


I hope all went well with your appointment a couple of weeks ago. Even the strongest person, the one who always watches out and takes care of everyone else, sometimes needs some assistance. May you find all the support that you need.

At 8:29pm on May 13, 2014, Jeffrey Bickel said…

Hi Jerry, it has been a little over three years since I lost my husband of 22+ years. I know how you feel. Trying to hold everything together and be strong, but, eventually, you fall apart. I was one of those people who never thought I would need a therapist. I was trying to work it out within myself, with a little help from some good friends and family, but there were limits to what I could express to even my closest friends and, after a time, even the most open and loving friend who had not gone through the loss of a partner, was pushing me to move on. I personally don't think that we really need to "move on" or "let go". What we need to do is try to figure out how to integrate the loss of the most important person in our lives. How to continue on and live life fully with this massive piece missing. I am still trying to figure it out. It is slowly easier, though there are still very difficult and painful times. I found a gay therapist who has been surprisingly very helpful. He listens; he remembers what I have said. He lets me vent and talk about the most intimate parts of my relationship to my husband. I did try to work this out myself, but having another person to express these things to out loud - without any judgement - is beneficial. It is ok that I am still deeply mourning and crying for my husband three years after he has passed. It is ok that I am still not ready to date and am taking baby steps to socialize (I was always the more introverted of the couple). The therapist has helped me organize my thoughts (without telling me what to think), and, for me, it has been worth it. But, soon, I will have to stop, because I have a limited wallet. You must do whatever your gut tells you - maybe a therapist isn't for you, but it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. You can always stop. But remember, no matter how much everything collapses, it is only for a time. It is ok to feel the extreme pain and sadness. You will never replace Rob, but it is alright if one day you open yourself to affection and love. I have asked myself a million times - if Enrique (my husband) was my soulmate - we were attached at the hip and did everything together the whole 22+ years - how can I ever find someone else? Enrique and I were so deeply connected on so many levels. But I feel that I will eventually open myself to another - a different person, not at all like Enrique, but someone that I can have an intimate connection again. But for now, we just need to survive. Fall apart when you need to and then put yourself back together again. Reach out to friends or strangers - help comes from the most surprising places. Each of us experiences our own unique suffering and pain, but there are many of us who understand what you are going through. You have my support.

At 8:51pm on November 17, 2012, Scott Hankins said…
Hi Jerry, I understand those feeling so well. My husband died a year and a half ago from suicide. Within months people began telling me to move on. There was no way! I have just began to have those feelings again. It still does not feel right, I guess almost feels like cheating. You have to do what is right for you not anyone else. Right now is a time to be all about you and your life sharred together! Keep reaching out it is a good tool to find your way through.

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