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Bereaved Spouses

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At 12:35pm on February 2, 2011, Kenyada Mabone said…: Joan this is Kenyada and I must say I have not heard from you in a while. How are you doing. Its good to talk to one of my dearest friends that I connected with in the time of me loosing my Karl. I am still crying more so these days then ever. Remember my Karl passed in my hands Feb 10th 2010 and not a day has went by that I don't think about him. It gets harder and harder for me to cope. I here him calling me in my head and when I answer him I don't see him but I can smell him. I dance with him here in my home when I listen to music. I talk to him every night before I go to bed and my tears just keep coming. I just wanted to say Hello to you and that I hope that you are doing better then I am these days. Lve Kenyada

At 2:55pm on August 4, 2010, Mary Ellen said…: HI JOAN WAS READING SOME POST AND SEEN THAT YOU HAD LOST YOUR HUSBAND MONTHS AGO . I LOST MY SON 1/14/09 @ 39 YRS. OLD AND THEN
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE APRIL 30TH 20010. I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER AS I KNEW. YOUR IN THE SAME TIME FRAME AS I BUT I DONT THINK THE TIME OF A LOVED ONE MATTERS ..PAIN IS PAIN..DO YOU THINK WE'LL EVER FEEL LIKE LIVING? I'M SO LOST WITHOUT PHIL AUG.18TH WOULD HAVE BEEN OUR 38TH YR, WE WERE MARRIED . MY HEART HURTS SO BAD ,I HOPE FINDING THIS GROUP WILL HELP. DO YOU FEEL IT HELPS YOU? TAKE CARE AND I PRAY YOU HAVE A BLESSED DAY..MARY ELLEN

At 2:55pm on August 4, 2010, Mary Ellen said…: HI JOAN WAS READING SOME POST AND SEEN THAT YOU HAD LOST YOUR HUSBAND MONTHS AGO . I LOST MY SON 1/14/09 @ 39 YRS. OLD AND THEN
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE APRIL 30TH 20010. I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER AS I KNEW. YOUR IN THE SAME TIME FRAME AS I BUT I DONT THINK THE TIME OF A LOVED ONE MATTERS ..PAIN IS PAIN..DO YOU THINK WE'LL EVER FEEL LIKE LIVING? I'M SO LOST WITHOUT PHIL AUG.18TH WOULD HAVE BEEN OUR 38TH YR, WE WERE MARRIED . MY HEART HURTS SO BAD ,I HOPE FINDING THIS GROUP WILL HELP. DO YOU FEEL IT HELPS YOU? TAKE CARE AND I PRAY YOU HAVE A BLESSED DAY..MARY ELLEN

At 7:45pm on June 6, 2010, Kenyada Mabone said…: Hello my friend this is Kenyada and I am worry about you, I have not heard from you since the last time. I hope that this small writing gets to you in one peace. I am okay at the moment I had one of my crying spells today 6/6/10. for the most part I am good. I miss from talking to you, you say touching words that help me though my hard times remember if I had never gotten connected with you I would be so sad without having a friend like you. how is the weather there, it has been raining off and on for two days now it seems to be looking better. well i will go now until I hear from you I love you Joan and take care your friend in Minnesota. kenyada

At 11:33am on May 29, 2010, Joan said…: Dear Kenyada: Thank you for this beautiful letter and for the prayer you prayed for me. I had a better day yesterday and I believe it's your prayer. I hear your pain through your words and I pray you will have a better day. You are a remarkable woman with all you have done for Karl. I can see how much you loved him and understand how you miss him so much. I know that we will have good days and bad days and we don't know when each one will happen. There are triggers, those little memories that crop like smelling something cooking that will remind you of a cherished memory you had with Karl. All those wonderful times you spent together will be washed over you like a roaring ocean. Then there will be times that nothing will soothe or take away the pain. I was like this last week with John's birthday anniversary; he wasn't here with me. Then I had to go to a place we always went together, alone, to have the earrings he bought me repaired. I was physically sick. My stomach bothered me and I was anxious. But I went anyway and it was nothing more than a place and I managed to walk around in and head home. It wasn't that hard once I got there. Without John, it was just a place. Then two days after I had crying fits and I was anxious. My back and leg hurt me and I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. I was restless with grief and wanted to move from here. I was inconsolable. My therapist told me no moves right now and she's right. What I'm trying to say is I had the worst three to four days so far. My pain is getting worse before it gets better. This is normal for you Kenyada. Grief is like this. Remember how you didn't want to go to the cemetery? Remember when you heard Karl say don't go but you went anyway? You conquered that fear so much that it doesn't bother you. You even got the headstone for him. I think your neck hurts you because of your grieving. As your grieving gets better, I believe your pain will lessen. Like you, I did everything for John. After his stroke, he couldn't remember me because he didn't have his short memory intact. He knew me, but he couldn't remember the year before when we fell in love and he gave me my ring. He had the stroke the day before we were to celeberate our first year anniversary. But I stayed with him and when the cancer began to bloom, I took him to doctors, made sure his clothes were the way he liked them, and when he couldn't care for his private needs, I kept him dry and only cared for his comfort and dignity. Love goes through great lengths to strenghten us. Authentic love given and authentic love received. We've been blessed to be so loved. John told me several times each day, "I love you so very much." All he wanted was to be with me and said he would like to sleep in my arms. Deep, authentic loves is deep, authentic grieving. I would love to see a picture of the headstone. My email is JAmato@aol.com. Please don't be worried if you still think Karl is at home waiting for you. You will have these feelings because so were together so long and this was your routine. It will lessen over time. Try not to worry about those things. I only took the Christmas tree down on March 31st, the day before my birthday on April 1. The tree was the last thing that John saw. I thought he may be coming back and I wanted him to see it. It's the first tree we bought together. I have the tree but not John. But God knew it was his time but He made sure I was with John because He knew I would love him and care for him. God didn't want John to die alone. He wanted John and I to love so authentically that I'm left with having this love that is so rare at my point in time. That's how much God loves us. John and I discovered our soul mates and I told him I wanted to lie with him in the earth so we won't be alone. I pray you have a good day today. And I ask God to meet you at your needs and hold you in His circle of love to meet those moments you need Him most. I love you my friend. And I'm looking forward to seeing the headstone. Joan

At 10:48pm on May 28, 2010, Kenyada Mabone said…: Joan this is your sister Kenyada and I am so happy to get your message. Thank you so much for inviting me into your family that makes me feel that I am apart of you in whole. I had a bad day today which is 5/28/10 I had a crying spill. You know Joan, I know that my God is strong for a lot of his creatures and he is trying to be in lots of places at one time, so my point is even though I ask him to come into my life everyday and help me when I cry he dose his best and I Thank him. I want to send you a pic of the headstone of me and my Karl. The company had to redo the headstone and it is more beautiful then I could have imagine and I would love to share that with you, I designed it myself. If you have a email address please send it to me at allthatglitter33@aol.com then I can send you my happiness for my Karl. Joan it just don't seem right, I mean my Karl being gone. something wired happen to me yesterday 5/27/10 a friend of minds took me out for lunch and the whole time I was thinking that I have to get home now to take care of Karl and then I realized that he is at home but in heaven, I am still on the page of cooking for Karl and when he would come home from dialyses he would be coming down the hall and I could hear him talking I would be cooking for him and before he could get to the door his driver would say something show smells good and right when I would open up the door the aroma would fly right out the door in the drivers noise, my Karl would say I'm hungry, I would then pull him out of the chair then he would go to the restroom and freshen up then come to the table to eat. I laugh because my Karl would say you are the best cook besides his mother I would thank you. Oh Joan I miss him so much I just don't know what to do these days, I stay in the house so that no one can see my puffy eye's I come out when I need to go to the store but I come right back home and sit and think about Karl. my friend understands my pain of my Karl, as a matter of fact when I was at the hospital for all those hours my friend was there with me giving support. you live in NY wow I have never been there my son comes there once or twice a year with his friend. you bet-cha I would love to come to NY to see you. I live here in Minnesota I came here to Minnesota in 1973 with my mother where she later on passed in 1981. My dad passed back in my home town Peoria Ill back in 1979 I have two sisters that have left me and my oldest brother has gone on as well so right now I have two brothers and three girls that are left, I am the oldest of them all. I consider you part of my family so you should know that my birthday is Nov 17, 1954 and that I am a very Humble person I love God and I love to help peoples, I have a kind heart and I treat people right, I am very helpful in any way I can help you. I was just like this with my Karl. Any time my Karl went into the hospital he would not let a nurse touch him, I would have to bath him, brush is hair and wash is face brush his teeth and whatever else he wanted me to do, my Karl was so dependent on me I was never able to do anything for me it was all for him. Joan we have to get better there is new light on the other side and I know it I have seen it I am just afraid to go to it. Joan about my slipped disk in my neck it is very painful I don't know if it is from my lost or what I just know that I cannot hold up my head some times and I am a person that is in very good health but I hope that it will get better. well my friend I think that I am going to go for now my eye's are getting heavy ok, I love you and take care until we talk again now a prayer for you. Father I ask that you put your arms around my friend Joan and let her feel the love you give her, Father give her light to see at the end of the tunnel, father you know that we both hurt and all we ask father is that you will do just as you said you would and that is you will never leave us or forsake us, and you will never put on us no more then we can stand, father we both know that your mercy is wonderful let Joan rest with comfort and let her know that John is not in pain, that he is safe, let her know father that it was not her fault, it was just time for him to come home, let her know father that her and John will join hands again, Joan is a good person father and has a strong humbled heart I ask this in the name of you Amen. Now I will close take care now.

At 10:59pm on May 27, 2010, Kenyada Mabone said…: Hello Joan I thought that you had for got about me. Joan God got me under his wings and I am safe, meaning that I still do cry a lot but my tears are getting better. Karl keeps telling me to go on with my life that he is safe and that I should not cry for him so I have this friend that I go and see and he also helps me to go on with my life. I designed my Karl's and my headstone and I had to send it back because the hearts were not right, I was so unhappy Joan I cried. The company called me and asked me what they could do to make it right and I told them that this headstone what special to me and that this stone is worth waiting for. Joan I am glad that you go and site and talk to your john he hears you just as my Karl hears me. I love you and one day I hope that to see you and thank you so mush for caring for me, you have been a wonderful person for me in the time of my lost and I mean it Joan I could not have asked for a better person then you. I will email you and tell you about my slipped disk in my neck that I have and Its painful. Good night now and God Bless you and I say a prayer for you every night. by for now

At 9:27pm on May 27, 2010, Joan said…: Dear Dixie: I love your "all the things I'm looking for are in the black hole where all the socks go in the dryer." It's very poetic. Are you a writer? I taught writing on the college level, and I am published in some small presses as well as some journals with poetry. Poetry helps me to write about my pain in short terms if I don't want to write prose and go into something deeper.

The other day I lost the wine opener. I looked everywhere and in the drawer I always put it in. I took it apart, checked the lower cabinets, checked the drawer again. Nada. I then thought I threw it in the garbage without thinking. I put on latex gloves and took the garbage apart and put it into another bag. Nada. I thought I threw it away in the garbage before and wrapped up the present garbage to take it out to the bin. I prayed to God to help me in some way to discover what I had done. I surmised I did throw it out and it's gone. I was walking outside with the garbage and I looked down at the bag and I saw something shiny sticking out and breaking through the bag. I pulled it out and it was the wine opener. I had to laugh out loud at how I missed finding it in the first place. The moral of this story is that maybe, in some unusual way, you will find what you have misplaced. I hope this little story brings a smile to your face.

Have a good Memorial Day. My church is having a memorial service for all those who died the past year. And there will be a picture of my John there. It's only been four months since he went home to the Lord, and my grieving has gotten much worse, before it will begin to get any better. I hope your weekend is a good one. Joan

At 4:29am on May 27, 2010, Dixie Olson said…: Joan: Its been five years since my husband passed, and I to keep losing things, I have an address book thats been in my house since my hubby died, it has so much info in it but it is gone, Ive looked every where, and since I live alone I dont know where I put it. The other day I picked up a prescription and I lost it, papers I need disappear and it drives me crazy. So your not alone Joan..all the things im looking for are in the black hole where all the socks go in the dryer..

At 11:09pm on May 8, 2010, Fred Dunn said…: Joan, You are correct that a sorter time with a significant other doesn't mean that was your Soulmate, as I believe yours was.
I want to go to church and even a very goof friend who used to be my boss lost his wife about 5 years ago. He was the second person I called after finding out Rose with God. In our many talks he said that I should go to church as well but I have a serious psychological fear of getting out of the house. So much so that I wake up at 2:30-3:00AM, water the grass, and the get ready for work and I am there by 5:30. On sundays when I get the paper I also get Saturdays mail because I don't want to leave the house.
I am trying to get that worked out with a psychologist but so far no luck. The one thing that will sometimes get me out of the house is when a friend needs help and depends on me to help them. But even then if it is not an emergency then I try and put it off until I am driving home from work.

Complicating things is that I have my own medical problems and about 4 weeks ago I was on FMLA and alone at the house and had a seizure with no warning. I was sitting at the computer and the next thing I knew I was being awakened by the phone, I answered it but didn't make any sense and couldn't comprehend what my son was saying. I got pretty busted up and the room was a mess but after I looked at the times on the computer I figured I was out for about 3 hours.
I sorely want to go to church (heck my eldest stepbrother is a priest but he is in China) but I have to work out the phobia or what ever it is first.

Thank you for responding and I am very sorry for your loss.

God bless,
Fred