I am sorry for your loss. I lost my sister Lisa on November 7,2013 and I miss her more and more each day. I have thought long and hard about death too but please know that the time you have here is precious. I try and reach out to others as Lisa was so kind and giving she would want that. You are never alone-this website is great. Time does not magically make things better but you learn to cope. Life is never the same but cherish your time here and reach out to others when you can. We all truly need each other.
Justin, welcome to the group. My heartfelt condolences for your sister. I lost my brother in May of 2009. He died of an overdose in Santa Monica, CA. Yes, I did and still from time to time thought about death. When the news came that my brother was found dead, I went into some sort of shock, I was still functioning but in robotic way. For a year or so afterwards, I kept thinking about what would happen if I lost my husband. I felt very vulnerable. I also had survivors guilt because I got into recovery and my brother did not. He tried many more times then I did. His deaths till haunts me, I call him my little ghost now. We only had 18 months difference in age and I feel I am growing older alone, when he died, I lost the only full sibling I had, I have three half siblings. I would have given my right arm (seriously) to have him back alive and clean and sober. I have known my share of people, friends that did not make it. Life is very precious and short. For all the joys that have happened to me and our family of origin, there is always that bittersweet feeling because he is not here with us to enjoy. My mother will never be the same. She always suffered from depression, but now she is much worse. Just know that you will get through this, time does not heal the wound, but you learn to live with it.