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Sometimes I feel numb!

Posted on October 11, 2009 at 10:30pm 0 Comments 0 Likes

Hello! My husband passed about 7 months ago from Pancreatic Cancer. He endured surgery and treatment for about 17 months before it took his life. I now have beautiful twin grand-daughters born 3 weeks after he died. But I still have times that I am so sad and I miss him so much! We were married for 29 years. I could use someone to talk to once in a while who understands. Most of my friends are couples, so they can't fully understand. I seek out singles at church also. Anyone out there like to… Continue

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At 6:49pm on December 7, 2009, vickie said…: hi karen
my husband passed away 9 months ago of pancreatic cancer we were married 40 years and yes it had im am bless that my family lives close to me but that stop the sadnes all i can say is just take one day at a time and ask god for help to get thought another day i am loss with out him i try to keep busy at my church to
i also lose my mother 3 weeks after i lost my husband maybe we can pray for each other and kep in touch
god bless you

At 8:46am on December 1, 2009, Sharon Stricklen said…: Hi Karen my name is Sharon Stricklen and I too lost my husband with cancer in April of this year. He suffered for 3 years and passed away right here at home. This time of year is very difficult and I wasn't sure how Thanksgiving would go but it was better then I expected really. I have started buying a balloon for holidays and sending it up to him and I find great joy in that and a sence that he is still celebrating with me or me with him, but it is still hard but every day seems a little better so you hang in there and I will keep you in my prayers....

At 6:22am on November 23, 2009, Sheryl said…: Karen:
Never got into facebook and don't really know anything about it. My computer will not accept you as a friend either. Email works and it is more private. This site is frustrating, but I think it is helpful to write to someone in similar circumstances. I can't chat now, but wanted to let you know I saw your note. I will try again tonight to write you. (Still working here).
Sheryl

At 1:31pm on November 22, 2009, Sheryl said…: Karen:
Pancreatic Cancer is awful. Eventhough I knew Billywould not overcome this, I still kept hope. Acceptance is comming, but missing him is the hard part. Please contact me at swiatt98@cox.net

At 9:31am on November 21, 2009, Karen Mitchell said…: Sheryl,
I can totally understand what you are going through. Many things you said about your husband getting things ready and concerned about me and my future, are exactly what Fred did and said. I guess that type of cancer gives them lots to think about, and plan. My husband was a pastor at the time of his death and we were living in a parsonage, provide by the church so in mid Feb we moved out to be closer to family so they could help with his care. (this was only about 30 minutes away. And it was closer to my work) He only lived in the townhouse (what I live in now) for about 12 days then he went to hospice. He was there for 9 days. I took off work once he went to hospice. My youngest daughter lives with me still and my oldest was expecting twins and she and her husband came shortly after he was admitted and stayed with me til after the funeral. I also live very close to his family now and fairly close to my family. Fred did all he could to prepare me and our finances. He was only a Pastor for the past 4 years of his life. He worked in the steel mills for 28 years then got out after all the financial problems. He was always very good about saving and the future planning so that was good. But we sold our home in 2005 when he went into the ministry and now I rent. I really hate that, but the home we owned needed alot of up keep and had a huge yard, of which I do not want right now. I may buy something in the future. Fred also told me many times over how much he appreciated me and how much he loved me. It is so hard to believe he is gone now for almost 9 months. I keep expecting him to walk in the door.
My daughter had her twins 3 weeks after he passed away. The girls bring me so much joy and are a wonderful distraction, but when I think about them, I am sad that he will not ever know them or hold them, nor will they know their grandfather. One of them has his eyes. I still have lots of times when I cry. Tears come easy any time we talk about him. He was so loved by so many! It is hard for me to visit the church he ministered to. But they have been wonderful to me. Very loving and caring and supportive.
By the way - for some reason my computer will not accept you as a friend- it says an error has occured.
Please write me again. I think it is very helpful to talk about about (write) our feelings and frustrations. No one knows how you feel except someone else who has gone through it also. I am here for you!
Karen

At 6:49am on November 21, 2009, Sheryl said…: Karen:
Thanks for responding. It's been 20 days now, and I've been back at work for 1 week. It was dificult and I thought Fri. would never come.
Everyday since Oct. my days have been full and long - so busy not enough time to really think. The paper work, the visitor, wriiting thank you's (that was difficult), a north easter storm (son's power was out and back to stay with me again) daughter from OR here for 2 wks, son's girlfriend with surgery and her mom here from AZ --- life just keep pushing me forward with no down time to process.
I think I must be ok because I keep waking up everyday and doing all the expected things.
I still cry, but not the sobbing of the first week or so, but tears can be easily triggered when least expected.
Plans that Billy and I were considering to work on our home just don't interest me now. That would really cause a lot of aggitation and frustration right now to make more decisions, so I will not do anything. Now I am not even sure Billy wanted this done.
Billy was really more focused on wrapping up his life, doing the right things by other people and making sure that I would be ok after his death. Oct he even put an alarm system on the house because he would not be here to protect me.
Billy was able to go out in his truck about 1-2 hours most days, he just went to the local cigar store and sat and talked to his friends while I was at work. Some days he was taking care of personal business that could effect my future.
He had time to tell me over and over that he loved me and kept appologizing for what he was putting me through. Can you imagine - he was thinking about me and my future to take his mind away from the pain he was endurig!
39 yrs of marriage and we still were thinking of each other first.
Karen - did you work during your husband's final day? I found that very difficult and Billy was insistant that I not do anthing that would affect my job.

At 1:43pm on November 20, 2009, Sheryl said…: Karen:
Please add me to your my friends.
Billy's final diagnosis was Oct 6th - gave him 2 wks to 2 months to live. Mon. Nov 2nd was his final day. The Thurs before he drove his truck and went to the bank to pay it off so I would not have to worry with it. Once he came home the obstruction from the large cancer growths cause him to start vomiting constantly then the hicups that would not stop. By Fri Hospic began trying to start pain medication, but that took all day to get the perscriptions. Once the medication began he was sleeping a lot and I think it was Sun evening that he slipped into a comma.
We were lucky Mon morning, Hospice had a clergy that sang Amazing Grace and How Great thou Art and read scriptures and final prayer. We think he heard it because 1/2 hour later he died.

I think his mind stayed ok, he kept handling the bills to the last minute trying to ensure that I would be ok. However, I could tell from his handwriting over the last couple of months that his nervous system was changing.

I just realized today that my daughter will not have her father to give her away at her wedding and my son will not him his father as his best man. Daughter is 31 and son 28. What a thought! There will be many moments that I had taken for granted that would happen in the future. Like - no retirement together and the trip to the Grand Cannon.

Please keep in touch. You are the only one I've had contact with that is familiar with pancriatic Cancer. I would like to give my email, but I don't want it posted on internet.

At 8:45pm on November 19, 2009, Sheryl said…: Karen:
I lost my husband to Pancriatic Cancer Nov. 2, 2009. We were married for 39 yrs. Early detection and surgery allowed him 3 1/2 yrs, however, he had so much trouble with eating, digestion, cramps---but would not take pain medication. He wanted to keep his mind clear to the end and maintain as much quality of life as possible - although he stated he no longer knew what it felt like to feel normal. He wanted hospice --- that was only for 4 days --- this cancer is quick. Oct. 6, 2009 he was told he would have 2 weeks to 2 months at best. I have been in denial since the surgery thinking we had this one licked (along with the scans xrays etc that were negative until Aug 2009. He was a Vietnam veteran (Marine Corps) and surgeon believes the herbisides used cause the cancer - of course the VA will not accept his claim.
It's only been 2 1/2 weeks and it is the worst thing I've been though - but I know it was much worse for my husband! the paper work with loosing a spouce aggitates me, it just seems to pile up.

Will there ever be some normal days?

At 3:32pm on October 28, 2009, Steve said…: Hi Karen, I hope you have a good time down in Georgia. I've had a few bad days in a row. It seems like the sress from work is pushing me over the edge sometimes.

In regard to your question about anger, I would have to say yes. Sometimes, I'm angry with God- why did He leave me here alone with 6 kids? They would have been better with her. Then sometimes, I wonder if my wife fought the cancer enough- silly thought but it does enter my mind. Sometimes it's hard to deal with the what if's and what might have been. But, you know we have to trust it's part of God's plan- and the easy way is not always best. I believe that it will all make sense in the end even though I don't like it now. It seem's that my faith always perseveres somehow- it surpasses all my understanding. I feel devastated right now, but find comfort in my faith. I missed Church this past Sunday, and not one person called to see how I was doing or what was wrong. I'm discouraged by it, but I think it's because most people don't know what to say or do. Sorry to vent a little, but I think what you're feeling is quite normal.

Take care of yourself, and I you continue to find comfort in God, family and your friends.

Steve

At 10:47pm on October 17, 2009, Marlena said…: Karen,
Thank you for your support. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the wandering aimlessly and feeling out of place and the 3rd wheel. It is so hard to imagine that this is where we were supposed to end up. I have now learned that nothing goes as planned. Congratulations on your new baby girls. They are definitely a Godsend. I am here anytime you need to vent or rant and rave...whatever it takes.
Take care,
Marlena