Kat, you are not a mess you are grieving. It is 7 months for me and I still cry over songs I hear, among other things, that remind me of my husband. You are normal, it IS a baby step process and it takes a long time to get through it. I have a hard time saying he is dead, died, gone, I refer to this as he has passed. Because I cannot say he died my counselor called it denial, I call it coping. It is about you now and your tolerability in coping. Take it slow, take many deep breaths, take one step at a time and take each day as a new beginning. Hugs, Jane P.