My son's 42nd birthday is coming up. It has been 4 years since he took his life and left mine in pain. I miss him so much!

I feel so angry at him for not telling me that he was suicidal. How do I cope with his birthday? I remember giving birth to him, raising a beautiful child and being there for him always. My dreams are shattered and I long to see him. My faith and God's grace has been there to pull me through. Now I dread his birthday coming up. I haver not been able to look at his things, write the book I plan about this experience, because the pain is too much when I think about him and that is daily. I love him so much but I hate what he did. I am working on forgiving him and letting go. Thanks for listening.