Oh My god Lisa! I feel like I am reading MY story!! My brother who was 44, also died in Feb. of 2009! He had been struggling with alcoholism also, and on that faitful night, a carload of teenagers had pulled out in front of him, he swirved to miss them and hit three trees killing himself instantly! He had been drinking as well as the teenagers. Only difference is the cops never bothered to check the teenagers for anything because they were the ones who called 911. They lied and said they were sitting at the stop sign that dark rainy night, when he flew by on the straight away and just drove off the road. Yeah right! The drivers conscious got the best of her a week later, and she told a kid at my daughters school the truth. When the cops went to talk to her she once again lied, along with three of the other kids in the car. Only one told the truth, but it didnt matter. Because he had alcohol in his system, the state patrol chocked it up as speed that caused the accident. Lisa, he was also my best friend. We were only a year and a half apart. Me being the older one. I too protected and watched out for him his whole life. He depended on me for almost everything! Especially to talk to and read one anothers mind when no one knew what was going on. I wont bore you with how close we were because I feel like you already know, but I will let you know how close we are still with him gone. That faitful night when the state patrol pulled into my drive along with the coroner van and his body inside, my world stopped! I knew he was inside yet they told me no, he was not! I became nauseated, and cried harder then I have ever cried in my life! I could not eat for days, or barely sleep! Then my brother spoke to me when I was on the bathroom floor crying once again... He said to me to stop!! He said Shannon Please stop crying!! Its awesome up here! It was so weird Lisa! I thought I was going skitzo for a moment because he was communicating with me like we did when he was here! I looked up and said what??? Are you kidding me!! I dont care how awesome it is up there! I want you here!! And again he said nooo... You cant believe how beautiful it is!! I still hesitated with what I was hearing, but I told him tough beans! I dont want you there I want you here!! Since that horrible day I have cried daily, mainly to myself because as you, my husband thinks I should be over it, moved on, whatever! All I can tell you is you will NEVER get over it!! We just learn to cope! Some days not at all! And thats O.K.!! I am a wreck too,my insides ache for him, to be able to call him, or tell him something he would have laughed at, or went, oh no way!! To verify something to the other siblings only he and I knew about so they cant say... Well, I dont remember that! Well duh! You werent there! He and I were the babies of 7 kids. He still speaks to me Lisa, and when I talk to him I tell him how weird I feel doing it beacause its like we are talking through some wierd dimension, but we still talk. For his one year I didnt know what to do and he spoke to me again. He said.. Tell my story! Go to my AA meetings and tell my story!! He loved helping people, and always doing for others, that was part of his problem. He never worked on himself because he was too busy helping his down and out friiends, thinking he was going to save them! So.. I did what he asked. On Feb. 24th I went to his AA meeting. I told his story, ( bawling the whole time) and when I was done, there was not a dry eye in the place! Four people told me out of fifty, that had I not told that story, they were going home to do a completely different thing! Drink! My brother had stopped four people that day from drinking! Two people told me they were my brother! That the story I told was them!! So Lisa, I cannot tell you ANYTHING that will make your pain go away, because there is no words. I feel that pain daily also. I wake up & think about him, and I go to bed still thinking about him, sometimes I literally have to FORCE myself to think about something else, because I go to the moment of his death and I cant breathe, or I go back to that night, and I cant breathe. I miss him with a pain I cant even explain nor wish on my worst enemy, but I can tell you this much that helps me. The people who fed your brother booze, the addictions our brothers had, the depression and self worthlessness that went along with that addiction, they cant win anymore! Those people can't get to them anymore! they will always be our brother, but they are free, and dancing and watching every move we make and are with us constantly!! He may not be in the physical with you, but believe me when I tell you this, he can still hear you! You are just having a different kind of relationship with him! So dont stop talking to him, dont be afraid anymore, he is watching out for you, just know that god makes no mistakes when he takes people home! he needed some angels and our brothers just happen to be two of them here on earth that had apparently bigger fish to fry upastairs!! We are all going to die Lisa, they just went on sooner then we did! I know my brother would be as big a mess as I am had I died instead of him, but he always traveled and did things before me, so I tell him constantly, he had better be waiting for me when Its my turn!! He tells me I need to watch over his babies cuz he wasn't doing a very good job when he was here, and of course I do! He has a four year pld daughter who was daddys little girl, a 18 month old son who will never know him, and a 22 year old son he just got back together with after 6 years of not seeing him. So you see Lisa, you are just fine! You ache, you cry, and you be sad like me. My mom has a saying that sure makes sense.. When you laugh the world laughs with you, when you cry, you cry alone. Aint that the truth!! Hang in there Lisa, I miss my brother too, and yes death sucks, and yes i think god took the wrong person, but it is what it is, and we need to just get through this thing called life, and when its our time, we get to go be with them! By then they will know all the cool places to visit, and see, and our thing called life will be whole again! Just try to hang in there! Sometimes its minute by minute, or second by second, but we will get through it. Just dont listen to people who think what they do. Its not there brother, and they obviously werent as close as we were, so just dont pay attention to them! I tell my husband I feel sorry for him that he was never this close to someone. I told him the only way to explain this pain would be if our daughter was killed he then would know what real pain was! Not a very good analogy to compare it to, but I had nothing else to compare it to. I hope this has helped you a little. God bless you Lisa, and know I am out here too if you ever need to talk.