My name is cindy. I lost my husband and best friend in Feb. 2010. You described exactly how I am feeling.It totally is horrible to feel like this.I am also 55 years old and I think much too young to be a widow.If it werent for me working a fulltime job I just know that I would have completely lost my mind by now. I cant even begin to explain to people the loneliness and emptiness I constantly feel.It is something you just cant explain.The few friends I have and even my small little family doesnt understand. I think people just feel like I should get over it.I try to motivate myself to do the things I use to do when my husband was alive, like exercise, and housework but I just dont have the motivation to do anything. I am so thankful I am able to motivate myself to go to work, or I would lose everything.I had to cut back on somethings since I now just have my income and one of the things i cut back on was the internet since our computer was on the verge of not working anyway. So i will be responding to this site from my job. I work 3-11 mon-fri. Every once in awhile a sunday.Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. God bless.I hate the weekends because I dont even have going to work to look forward too.
Deb, I can't imagine how my life is going to get any better. I don't know if I am the cause because I am depressed or what. I do work everyday and that keeps my mind busy a little, but that is the easy part of my day..its all the other hours I have to exist daily. I find that I am lonely and I don't seem to fit in anywhere anymore. I have friends, but they have lives of their own. We talk, but it seems so empty for me. I went for counseling -that did not help at all. I felt like I just was rambling on and on and I didn't feel any comfort from the rambling. I take myself out to dinner and I just feel so alone. Plus I really don't know where I even want to eat. I eat at home and that is miserable. I try to exercise and I can't seem to be consistent..I loose interest. I read, but there is only so many hours a day to continue to read. My energy level is just not there and nor is my interest. I am at wits end and to be honest ..I know Mike died 11/20/09, but to me it was just yesterday.
You and Colleen sound so very much like me! My Junior passed away June 20, 2009. He and I had known each other over 40 years. I had a 28-year-marriage which ended in divorce in 2002, and he had a 34-year-marriage ending with his wife's death in early 2007. He called me following her death . . the first time we had talked in about 5 years. We had always been good friends, but didn't keep in close contact. We talked what seems to be forever the first time he called me! We both knew each other's parents and so on, so we always had something to talk about! We began going out and, from our first date, spent most every day together. We enjoyed being with each other, whether it was fishing, going for walks, traveling, or whatever! We always had so much fun -- we were just comfortable with each other! He was retired; I was working part-time after retiring early. I was fortunate enough that I was able to quit part-time work and just enjoy our time together! He was diagnosed with cancer April 2008. Took chemo treatments till May 2009. We were planning to marry the first weekend of June 2009. We had been getting his house ready for us (me). He always told me that he "just wants to take care of me". I had never felt as secure before, even with my ex-husband (who died on 5/27/2009). My Junior got really sick so quickly!! Hospice came in early June 2009, and my Junior died on June 20, 2009. I was sitting at his bedside, holding his hand when he took his last breath. We were living in my apartment still at this time. We were blessed in that we were able to share many of our thoughts in his last days. He told me that he wished that we had so many more years . . I agreed! I also agree with you and Colleen that it seems so unfair . . why did he have to leave me so soon?? He spoiled me so very much. There's not a day that goes by that I don't cry, miss him, talk to him, and wish he were here (healthy, of course!). I still have a lot of "firsts" to go through without him . . his birthday, my birthday and anniversary of his passing. I do not look forward to those days, but know they will come, anyway! It was a blessing to read your page . . you and Colleen seem to have a lot of the same feelings I have. Y'all can write and/or add me as a friend any time you would like. Thank you for listening and letting me vent. This weekend has been so very hard! God bless and keep us all. My email is email@example.com.
Gary and I met at work, too. He was a computer programmer and due to the job market 9 or 10 years ago he had started driving a cab. I had driven a cab and had started dispatching. It was fun work and we worked well together. I caught some flack for favoring him, but it really wasn't true. In fact if anything he actually got treated worse than most drivers since he would do anything I asked him and never complained. He told me it was just his way of getting me to depend on him. It eventually worked. I moved to a different company and he started driving a school bus. We worked a lot but we were happy.
Last year we were able to both quit our jobs and we started traveling a little. We finally settled in this area and started looking for a house. I think I told you that we had just moved in by 2 weeks when he died. Of course that means that I don't know anyone here at all. And I will probably need to find a job. You're lucky to still have your job - I know it might not always feel like it, but it's something you can lose yourself in for awhile. You know how to do it so you can go on automatic pilot, but still be busy. I miss that. Without a job and not knowing anyone here, well...Gary had encouraged me to start taking a different direction with my life since I needed to only work part time or so. But that was with him alive. Now I don't know that I have the courage to do those things. I don't even remember how I had planned to do those things. It's a lot different when you share the responsibilties and have someone at your back. Like you, I was spoiled too. Friends would tell me how lucky I was and they were right. But now...
Well, take care, maybe we can shore each other up a bit.
Thanks Lynn, so you had a birthday just after Mike passed? I will have mine 31 days after I lost Gary as well. Weird, huh? He spoiled me so much I'm dreading facing that day alone. Like I said before we would have our anniversary on the 21st, and then my birthday on the 25th of March. Tough times ahead I know.
Isn't it funny that a person could complete you so much? I'm not the romantic that my husband was and I've never been one to think that there is just one "soul mate" for anyone, but Gary and I had such a special bond. I know that I didn't have anything like that with my first husband, and I know that Gary didn't feel anything like that with his ex-wife either. We truly were each others best friend. To get along without him strikes me as just ridiculous. Why should I have to? What kind of God does this? It seems so unfair, and yet we all know that there are no promises when it comes to death. We know it. In an objective kind of way, not in a personal way. And death touches everyone. Gary and I use to kid each other about a lot of things including death. I had never counted on facing his alone. When we talked it was always in the "lets go out in a fire-y crash together" kind of way. Bonnie and Clyde like. I want to remember those times. Us laughing and joking and kidding around. Anything other than that hurts too much.
I also have 2 of everything. I still keep his cell phone with me at all times, even. Along with my own. WE HAD PLANNED for this life together! We didn't plan for death. Sorry to be so over the top emotional. Having a bad day. A weird day. I went to the grocery store today for the first time since he left. I didn't know what to buy. I cried in Walmart. Some days...
I'm glad you've made the appt to see a counselor. I went to therapy after my first marriage ended in divorce and it helped a lot. I'm hoping to understand my grief a little more with the bereavement counseling. I'm not in a hurry to get through it. It took Gary a year to convince me that we belonged together after 12 years of my being divorced. I don't move quickly on things. I'm willing to let myself heal, to let the hurt out. I know to be kind to myself. You need to do the same. It sucks, and everyday I wake up a little confused, but I know that I have to make it through the day.
Do you work? I understand about your friends. I don't have any friends in the area since we just moved here, but my old friends are doing their best, I suppose.
Someone on here said something that I thought was really prophetic. They asked what your spouse would do if the situation was reversed. Gary would have fallen apart. I know that as sure as I'm sitting here. He had enough physical limitations and a certain "life lived" attitude that he would have fallen apart. His son told me yesterday that if it had been me first then he would be grieving over the loss of his dad by now anyway. He really believes that I added years to Gary's life. I like to think I did. We disagreed on politics and would get into great debates and like I told him it was good to get the heat pumping again.
I miss him.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you. Please share your stories with me. I'm not an old friend so I can't pass judgement and I'm lonely enough that it really matters to know there is someone else out there going through something similar.
Colleen, It was great to hear a response. Your life seems so similar to mine. I am 55-I turned 55 Dec. 19, just 31 days after Mike had died. I am coming up on 4 months since his death and I still feel it like it was November. I can relate to a house full of a future and plans to be lived, but it was not suppose to be alone. I feel like the girl with 2 of everything. 2 cars... just 2 of alot of things. I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends anymore because they seem to make me feel that 4 months and life is somewhat normal. I don't fault them, but I feel so alone. I also set up counseling for the Monday at 2 pm. I feel I am lost and I know that is not what Mike would have wanted, so now that leads to guilt. I think that is great that you are artistic. I wish I had some way to express my feelings. Even if it takes a month or 2 to get started at least you have some direction for when its right..plus since Gary was encouraging that would help motivate eventually. I know I try daily to think of how Mike would want to see me or how he would try and motivate me. I guess I just could not imagine life as being so sad and having such a future to figure out. Please Collen it was great to hear from someone that I can relate to. I too spend a lot of time on the computer. Great to speak you. Lynn
Lynn, my husband just passed away Feb 22, so I'm still new to this, but I understand so much of your story. My husband had always planned for early retirement and we had just bought this house where we were to live for the next several years. We had bought furniture over the last few years just waiting for a certain type of house in a certain area and we had finally pulled all of that together. We moved in on the 1st of Feb and had the rest of our things moved here the 13th of Feb, nine days before he died. I was happy. He was happy. I had finished painting the kitchen and dining room the weekend before and we were discussing what furniture to put where. We had plans to travel this summer. We never saw this coming.
Like your husband, mine was married when we met. I never would be involved with a married man either, and he told me that he just knew right away that we were meant to be together. It took the better part of a year for him to get divorced and actually let me know that he had chosen to be with me. We were close friends during that time but not intimate. When he first brought up marriage I thought he was talking about him marrying someone else and it made me sad to think I would lose my friend. He was shocked that I didn't understand. He was the best friend I've ever had and I was lucky that he stuck it out. We also had known each other for 4 1/2 years before we married, and were married just short of 4 years - the 21st of March will be our anniversary. Facing that day will be horrible.
Gary hadn't been to the doctor recently, but had the same symptoms that he had before. We really thought he was mostly affected by his winter blues or S.A.D. He had it every winter and we were both use to it. We did things we could to combat it, but it seemed to still affect him. We didn't know that this year - with essentially the same symptoms, it was his failing heart. I keep running it around in my head the things I would do differently. The doctors told me that with his medical history they probably wouldn't have diagnosed him any differently either. He took meds for high blood pressure which was under control and that's about it.
Sometimes I try to be philosophical about it all and of course we realize that most of us will never see death coming, but the pain that's left behind is enormous and the giant hole that's left where my husband used to be beside me is raw and awful.
I am on the computer too much now. I'm not working, I don't think I could yet, so if you ever need to write it out or chat, keep me in mind. I'm also on Facebook if you do that.
Have you gone through any counseling at all? I am going to start a grieving and loss group next week. It's held at the senior center and I hear that most people that go are much older - I'll be 49 in 2 weeks, but it's the only group in town and I know I need to go. Getting out of the house is something I hardly ever do now and I need to find a couple of things that can be my "routine". I am also planning on taking the art classes that Gary had encouraged me to take starting in a month or so. Being new to this area I don't know anyone at all, so anything to ease the crying for awhile is good.
Keep in touch,