Maggie, your grief will be profound for some time to come, that's for sure. Don't try to justify anything - not the way Steven died, not your reaction to his death. Just be. Be sad, be angry, be devastated, be horrified, be inconsolable, be tearful, be joyful that he was in your life, be misunderstood for your feelings, be loving to his memory, be his mother.
Every reaction, every emotion you have is ok. This is your grief and there is not a soul on this earth that will feel exactly what you feel - Steven was your son and your grief is your own. Surround yourself with people who loved him and you. People that will support you even when your emotions go off the deep end. Ask for help. Ask people to just sit with you. To just be there when you wake up in the morning so that you are not alone. Love yourself.
You must not in anyway think there was something differant that you could have done or said, Stephen knew that you loved him, that is a sure thing. You have to know there are people out there that will be by yourside and whoever you need to hold onto for support do it. He would have wanted that. I know the feeling of loosing that one person that meant the world to you, I too lost the only man in my life that brought me sunshine and laughter, and yes he do commited sucide last week and his nme also was Stephen. You have to know that Steven knows that you were the one constant in his life and I too hope and pray that my Stephen know that my life will never be the same without him, just remember all the memories that you had and hold on to them forever. I loved Stephen as you loved your Steven, and he knows that.