Yes, I definitely agree with you about knowing who your true friends are. When it first happened, I think pretty much everyone I've ever known in my life (quite seriously) contacted me through email or phone. Most of them said things like "if you ever need anything, i'm here for you." Then as time goes on, they all get back to their own lives and kind of forget. I only have about three good friends, plus my amazing boyfriend, and I have some relatives who live 1000 miles away from me. But I really do cherish the ones who offer support.
I'm so glad to have found this website...it helps me feel less alone. I hope it does for you too.
Do you mind me asking how old you are? I myself am 21.
I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I too have suffered through a similar tragedy. My dad killed himself, but took my mom and little sister with him. I'm the only one left out of my immediate family.
Of course I'll never fully know how you feel, but I can certainly relate. It feels good to reach out to someone who has gone through something similar.
For me, I am so bogged down with so many different emotions, I find it hard to function some days. I constantly feel anxious, or "on edge". I struggle to figure out why such a thing had to happen, and what I could have possibly done to deserve this. Often times I feel like I'm losing my mind, like, what if I lose control of myself and "go crazy"?
It's hard to deal with, but for me, there are some things that help. It helps to talk about it with people you love and trust. It helps to stay healthy...ie: eating properly, getting excercise, and plenty of sleep. It helps to try to have fun once in awhile, like going on a vacation. I also write a lot....it really helps to organize your thoughts and put things into perspective. I hope that you too are able to find ways of coping with things...
Please write back. I'd love to be able to stay in touch.
My heart goes out to you. I can only say that emotions flow and if we suppress one we suppress many or all emotion. The universe is a cold place. It is only we who make it warm with our "civilized" ways. Death is in natures plan and yet when it happens early or intentionally it can haunt us survivors. I wish I had a solution for us. I do know that my passions for the arts may keep me sane if I have the motivation to do them. So I say find passion and you will survive.
My father was a riddle to me. black and white, good and evil, I never really knew how to take him, or understand him. He would stubbornly defend a position he had taken, even when we knew he had come to regret his decision. He could be kind and very generous, but if he decided he disliked you to would be very difficult for you to ever get on his good side again. He was an anoymous benefactor to many, paying for funeral expenses for children and police officers who died in the line of duty anonymously for many years, and problably lots of other things I did not know about. Hugely emotional, but yet emotionally distant. I wish I had had more time to unravel the mystery of who he was. He had soften some in the past few years, but as his financial problems grew, he isolated himself from us more and more. I fell guity about that now, I will never know if I could have made a difference. I know we all feel that way, and most people tell us problably not, but you can't help but wonder.
My mother was a proper southern belle, southern hospitality and manners. She would always remenber to send a card and/or a gift on everyones birthdays/anniversaries etc. When they had money, she was generous with those she loved who had less. She liked things warm and comfortable, that touch of growing up in the country that she never lost. She was the kind of wife the bible and marriage vows ask a woman to be. Something that occasionally caused disagreements between us, since as a more "modern" woman i though she should put her foot down on some issues, but she would not.She loved her husband in a way that all should take example from.
My family is spread out all over the country, and most of my mothers relitives are in the southeast. My step-brother has 2 beautiful daughters who were there with me as we made the arrangements. But we are not as close as I would wish. As I had gone about my live up til now I had taken these people for granted in alot of ways. I did not call or write to them as I problably should have, I counted on my mother to give me the weekly updates, as she was the one who would call and talk to all of them every sunday. She was so funny when we had those convesations. We had lived here in Vegas my whole live, so in most respects she had "lost" her southern accent. but after taking to all the southern relative all day, her accent would come back. I miss the sound of her voice.
I live in a small condo, so I don't even have the space to bring home all the "moments" of their lives. Best I can do is sell it all to the highest bidder. Yes, the money will help me but, in a way I don't want it. The little girl inside me just screams, I want my mommy back. I feel so lonely and want to be around other people, but on the other hand I want to be left alone, cause I don't want to talk about this anymore, talk to me about the darn weather, anything but how I feel and the hows and whys and what ifs of this tragedy. I'd rather hear about how many times your dog went potty today.
They left behind the biggest mess, multiple homes, business entities, all tangled together in a nightmare of debt, numerous banks all wanting their money, and an evil step-child from his first marriage to boot, how the hell he decided I was his enemy I'll never know. And everyone says to take time to greive...what time...I feel like all this mes is now on my sholders, and I am poor. Al the FMLA time is used up, so I don't really have a job anymore, and my efforts to re-build his business all all for not of the bank is just gonna take it anyway. So, for me it is not just the death of my parents, it is the death of all the things they ever did, created together, and the things I help to create with them as I got older.
On August 20, my father murdered my mother while she was sleeping, wrote a brief note, locked their valuables in the safe, got back in bed next to her and killed himself. The motive was financial, at one time they were quite well off, in the end I had to borrow money to bury them. I have the grief, shock etc. complied with the lawyers, trustee, and I was the only child in a small family. I am numb, exahusted, confused...lonely. some days i'm ok, some days its just so very hard, and some days are a bit of both. My heart goes to any of you who ever spent even one day feeling the way I do. They say it gets better over time, but how am i gonna make it that long...i'm so very sad, and I have to get up and put my big girl pants on and deal with all the financial mess they left behind. And it is just so embarassing, people ask you what happened that both your parents are dead...my heart breaks again everytime i have to say it. Everyday since then is a blur, seeing a therapist once a week feels like it is just not enough. It is so hard to go to sleep, even though i am so tired.
I guess in a way I do understand his reasons for doing what he did, but at the same time It seems so stupid. Like he was the only one in this world with financial problems. And in the past year he had just made the problem worse and worse trying to borrow money he could not pay back. But made him think that because he had screwed up he could take my mother with him. She did not want to die. We had plans to do things together, she had even told a frieend that she would get a job if need be. I told him I would help them, did he really have so little faith in me that I could help? I know we weren't the closest family in the world but realytogether we could have gotten thru this.