Hi Marilyn, I'm glad you wrote back.
We are now into our 2nd month . Most times I still cannot believe it's true that he is gone and yet sometimes I feel like its been a long time already.
The funeral itself seems so surreal.
I did go home (6hr drive) and spent 3 really good days with my Mom. We laughed and cried and also went to the cemetery. I actually went by myself the night I got into town and it was dark outside. I would never had thought there would be a day I would go into a cemetery by myself in the pitch dark but it was not scary or anything. I find it peaceful there and I feel like I'm going just to be close to him. Even for just a short time. The grass is still raised and the flowers are still there although their dead of course.
It is so new and then I look at it and cannot believe it. I cry so hard there but yet I still feel like I want to go there and visit him. Perhaps its my way of trying to believe its really true. If I lived in that city I would be there every other day I'm sure. I did stay and sleep in my Dads bed and I was actually okay. It did not make me more depressed so that was good. You wrote you were moving into your Moms house and same room. I think you will find comfort there, it will be a mix of happy times from the past and also yes I think there will be sadness too but also of great comfort and feeling of being close to her. I found the days I was home my spirits were better all in all yet I was sad looking at Dads chair empty. Now that I'm back home again here I feel "down" .
I will certainly look for that book you recommended.
This weekend I'll go to the bookstore.
With your move into your Moms house is it close to where you live now? Are you moving alone or do you have a family? (if thats too personal you don't have to reply to that ).
I'm just wondering if your doing this move alone .
Oh, if it works better to email me let me know and I can send my email address... this "add a friend" thing doesn't seem to work.

Hi Marilyn, thank you so much for your kind words.
You were not "rambling" (as you put it) at all. In fact your words comforted me very much . I had tears reading them because of what you wrote. I do wish I had seen him again but I have to believe he knows how much I loved him even though I was not there . I am like you, still in so much pain because he will no longer be there to talk to and laugh with. I want to scream "there is no way I can live the rest of my life without seeing him so give him back" but that doesn't do anything or bring him back. It is real; as you said. So real, so ugly real. I'm going home this coming Saturday to spend time with my Mom. This will be hard for me without my Dad there. In fact I will be sleeping in his room and his bed. Instead of it making me more sad I hope I can turn it around and find peace being there. It will be hard I know though because I already feel it and I'm not there yet.
When I got into the shower this AM I cried again, as I do every morning. The second I wake up I think "oh my God" and instant grief hits me. This morning though I thought of what you wrote and if I can think
that way; to think he chose to go without me being there then maybe it can help. I thought about you, how hard it must have been for you sitting with your Mom so long watch her and for you to have lost your father already previously and I thought of how I'm not alone in this and I said a little prayer for us so that we can make it another day.
It truly is one day at a time. Yes, your Mom seemed to have made sure you were going to be all right before she left. That must bring you a lot of comfort.
Yes, they are in a better place for sure. It seems they knew, both your Mom and my Dad didn't they?
I don't know if I wrote this before but my Dad's sister who lives in Holland passed away the same day as he did. Perhaps it was she who "sat with him a little while" when he asked the nurse to get us in his final moments.