Hi everyone, it's been awhile since I wrote anything. My life has been so topsy turvy lately, after I lost my job, my brother in law fell and fractured his hip, and I've been taking care of him ever since. I also was dumb enough to feel sorry for my cousin who was kicked out of the house she was living in, let her live in my house and she ends up robbing me and destroying my home. Now, I found out the worst news. My Uncle, who has been my Rock, my 2nd Dad. Passed away 2 weeks ago and I didn't get a chance to say good bye. I couldn't even go to the his funeral to pay my respects. It feels like I lost my Dad all over again. He stepped in when my Dad died giving me support and love. When my car broke down, I didn't have a rental car, he came everyday for 3 weeks picked me up at 5:30 am then picked me up at 3:30 pm and took me home. I could always talk to him. I miss him so much. Thank you everyone for listening to me.
But how do you pick up the pieces once again? I know its been 6months since she passed. but I keep expecting her to walk thru that door again. Now with that storm that we had in Feb. I lost my job, because I was trapped in my home for 3 weeks. It gave me a new perspective on how she felt being in that house all the time, but its giving me a chance to really mourn her passing. For awhile, I couldn't go to her grave. I would sit outside in the parking lot, but I never went in. I went in the other day. When she died. I didn't have a couple days to grieve for her. I went to work Monday after she died. I couldn't function I just did my job and when people asked me how she was doing, all it did was open up more wounds, Nobody from my job even came to the funeral home. I never felt so alone. I didn't even hear from my other sisters when Mom died. Just my oldest sister. nobody thought about my feelings. My sister took me out to see our Mother, then she just took me to my car and let me go home alone. that was so hard to take. Thank God for my Aunt, she let me talk for almost 2 hours before she felt I was tired enough to sleep. That's why its hard for me to reach out to my sister now. I know she wants to make sure Im ok, but its hard for me to trust. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so alone.
Its been 6months since my Mom died and its been hard. My family was nice enough to sign Mom's home over to me. and even tho its a God send its been hard. Everywhere I go, I see her. and Its been difficult. But I have been trying. I have been going thru her clothes and things and donating them to the Vietman Vets (they pick clothing and items and sell them to help our soldiers who were hurt in the war, etc) she always donated to them, so i think it would be nice. The more Im donating her things the better I am starting to feel. Its not that I am cruel and I don't care, cause almost every day since she passed I have done nothing but cry, but now the grief is easing up just a little. My Mom will always be in my heart. She was my best friend. and I wish I could turn back time. But fixing her home will be a honor. My family has been supportive of me, My Aunt and my cousins have been always near to lend me their ear when I feel lonely. I never realized how lonely a home could be. Its sad. But the holidays are coming up again. Thanksgiving and Christmas was ok, it was sad, but I was with my sister. She did the best she could to make the holidays a little better. I also adopted 2 kittens (sisters) they have been helping me out too. They make the house not so lonely anymore. But its been awhile since I raised kittens so boy do I got a lot to learn.
What made 2009 so terrible besides my Mom being gravely ill, going to the hospital, then to rehab then to the nursing home, where she passed away. I had a cat by the name of Tigger that I adopted after Pepper was put to sleep after 14 wonderful years. Well Tigger took to my Mom! He loved her so much, and when she went to the hospital, he would look everywhere for her, crying. one day I left the hallway door open, and he flew up the steps and sat in front of the door crying his heart out. he wouldn't come out of her room either. I took him to the vet cause he quit eating, the vet couldn't find anything wrong with him. I took him home thinking of ways I was even going to ask permission from the nursing home so he could see Mom. I never got the chance. I found him dead. I never told my Mom he died. Then Mom died 2 months later. So 2009 has been one hell of a year for me.
I cant believe the holidays are around the corner. I am dreading them so much!! I can't believe that a year ago, my Mom was here. We couldn't do much for Christmas cause I was working the nite shift.. But New year's we had a good time. now I am sitting here looking at a empty house.. I don't want to deal with Christmas now. Listening to Christmas songs on the radio, doesn't help matters either. I don't know what to do anymore.... Thanksgiving is only 5 days away and it seems like just another day. My sister and I will share Thanksgiving together... But it won't feel the same. I just wish I could have my Mom for just one more day!!! she has been gone for almost 3 months now, and it doesn't feel real.
Thank you so much Mary Jo. You said it perfectly. i am glad my mom didn't have to suffer with cancer, etc. she did have macular degeneration which was getting worse. And she wasn't feeling well this summer-I think her body was just starting to give out. The signs were there-she was sleeping alot the two weeks prior to her death and that wasn't like her at all. I just miss her so much. I would like to have her back for a day to tell her how much I loved her again. I feel bad that I wasn't with her when she left this earth-I am hoping she just closed her eyes and left and wasn't afraid. I have a book that I just read that is wonderful-it is called Hello From Heaven by Guggenheim. I would recommend it to anyone who has had a loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you too as you cope with your mom's death.
I agree with you!! Well, even tho I don't know you personally I don't think you are a mess! There is nothing wrong with you at all! I did the same thing too, I wanted my Dad to love me. and I tried showing him I was a good daughter also, but it just seemed he didn't care. My sister's were the world to him. they could do no wrong, well I grew resentful and I bickered with him. I regret that now. and you are right, you have to forgive in order to move on. and my Mom was instrumental in that regard. She made me realize the errors of my ways and she told me it was time to say I was sorry which I did. I was able to accept his passing, now my Mom died. and I do feel lost. and Mom and I got into arguments in the last 5 years of her life over a man I am currently friends with.. I was so tired of being alone I accepted his faults, but Mom couldn't. she hated him with a passion, she told everyone she could that she thought he would hurt me in some way. We would constantly fight about him. she even got to the point of kicking me out of the house! She called me every name under the sun. But I always loved her, I got mad at her, thinking she was ruining my life that she never wanted a man to love me, but I got to move on now, and wish her the best. But I do regret everything and I wish I could turn back time.. Maybe I wouldve been smarter. Cause when I needed the most. (the day my Mom died, he totally forgot about me and went to sleep) I never was so alone in my whole life. Thank you for listening to me!! But for you, I think you should be proud of yourself!! you never gave ur parents shame! and your children have a wonderful Mom who gave them all the love they could possibly want! you wasnt selfish and said why should I love my children and give them the best?? Believe me, that wasn't overkill!! and its your Mom's loss not yours. that she didn't take the time to find out what a wonderful daughter she has!! But your Dad knew!! I know this sounds funny, but talk to him as if he was right beside you. and just be quiet for a second. I bet you will feel his presence.. When I'm frightened every once in a while I do feel my Dad's presence around me. and it does make me feel better. Take care. and have a great day!
Thanks for your kind words. I think what bothers me the most about my mother is that I did everything to try to make her think that I was worthy of her love when I was growing up in our home. I do think I'm a better mother for all I went through but had a hard time with overkilling on the part of making sure my kids knew that I love them. Thankgoodness they didn't end up all mest up like me. You sound as though you had parent trouble yourself. Sorry to hear this. All I can say is some how we must learn to forgive and go on for our own peace of mind. This is the hard part, the forgetting, am I right or what? Just wish we were like birds and flew the nest as young ones. This would be a good thing I say.
Thanks for your comment. It means allot to me. I just posted another comment on my page and as you can see I am not doing too good dealing with my anger towards my mother dearest. Just eaten me up. I guess she thinks she is God. How my father could stay with her beats me. I just know he was such a good person that he put aside his own happiness to see to it my mother had a good life. They didn't even share a bedroom. My dad paid all the bill and his own food and my mother spent her money on herself. She is sooooo thoughtful.
hi again. yes, you are rite. Mom is in a better place and its time for me to realize that.. But the holidays are going to be rough. Im sorry for your loss. about your Grandfather. Wow, 96. I bet he told you alot of stories of when he was a young man. That's why I love working in a nursing home. The residents there can tell you everything that happened back in their time. You can learn alot. I want to thank you tho, for reaching out to talk to me. I'm grateful to you, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you also!! I think you are a great person! I do mean that, you didnt judge me when I was babbling on and on about my Mom. I guess Im dealing with the fact I let her down when she died. I guess that's why Im so sensitive. and the man I argued about with Mom, well he is living up to her expectations and I guess thats whats making me feel terrible. I stuck up for him against her and Mom was right once again. I just had a scare awhile ago. as I was talking to him, I heard a rapping on the door. and its 1 am. he could tell i was nervous. he went to bed.. I cant turn back time and say I was sorry...I know Mom understands. but its hard.. But Im going to try to go back to school. thats one of the last things Mom made me promise I do when she was gone. and Im going to try. Thanks and have a good nite. I am honored to call you my friend!! Good nite
ur not rambling..people don't know what ur going through if u don't tell them. i just lost grandpa in august ( mother's dad) so that was it for her parents..he was 96..so i thought about mom alot while we were preparing 2 bury grandpa. we are not far apart in age..that's ironic too. but don't let it consume ur life..ur mother wouldn't want that. i'm here if u need me. u can write me anytime here, ok?