so...it's 4:10 am. and i have yet to sleep tonight. i guess everything is just starting to hit me. i just recently lost my youngest brother "ronnie" about 2 weeks ago. he was only 9 yrs. old. him and my 14yr. old were playing with an old black powder gun in the living room of my fathers home, which they thought was a replica gun, cause my dad does own some replicas. but anyway... it had been clicking a few times, untill suddenly it went off and him ronnie in his eye and went through to his brain. the only people that were my two little brothers and my 11 yr. old little sister, who was sleeping when the accident ocurred. my dad was on his way home from work. and i have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year now. anyways... ronnie was life lighted to a hospital 30 mins(driving time) away. and didnt make it in the hellicopter. while my dad was rushing to the hospital to meet him there, he called and told me what had happend. i instantly broke down and started praying. but all i could pray were selfish prayers. ya know? "lord, dont take him from me!", stuff like that. about 20 mins. later my dad called and told me to go to my grandmothers house and we were gonna pray like we never prayed before, i tried to ask him if ronnie was okay but he wouldnt answer. i was the first of us kids to be at my grandmothers. dustin my 14 yr old brother was being questioned at the police department. and morgan was with our family church pastor. once dad, grandmother and grandaddy arriverd, my dad held me tight, started balling his eyes out and said "my baby is gone!" right then i couldnt even cry. i felt numb. like nothing was even happening, like it wasnt even real. i cried here and there. but not like you would think if you were to lose your youngest brother, that you have taken care since he was 2 or 3. and they way i usually handle depression and stress cause is not quite the way ronnie would want me to. so i stayed sober for about a week, just to stay clear headed cause i also used to cut myself out of depression. i guess the pain just detracted me from my emotional pain. im glad to say i havent starting cutting again, but im also disappointed to say that this past week i havent stayed sober. but now i am, and all the friends are gone now to their own houses and my boyfriend is sleeping. and the only thing i can think of is how much i miss that sweet gentle boy!