Yes people just don't truly understand what it feels like to lose your true love unless it has happened to them. I just hope that someday you can find somebody to open up to that does understand how it feels. It doesn't change anything but it does feel better ( for a little while anyways). I was really reluctant on talking to my wife's niece at first, after all it was her aunt too and I didn't want her to feel bad. She has handled it 100 times better than I have, she has a real deep faith in God. She's 25 years old but I think she is going on 50, she has an answer for everything and  the things she has said has made me feel better. She has been a life saver for me.  So I really hope you can find somebody like that. Somebody to open up to. Nobody should have to deal with this alone.. That's were I went wrong I kept everything inside and when somebody would ask how I was doing the answer was always " fine" that was easier than explaining how I really felt cause I knew if I would the tears would flow. Have you tried to look for a grief support group? I think that talking to people that have experienced a loss would help. Just a thought !!  I called about one today that meets the last Thursday of every month, it's only about 20 minutes from me so I am going to go to that and I called the pastor to set up a meeting with him, hoping to meet with him next Saturday. I have come to terms I can't do this alone, thought I could but I can't. We had finally got caught up on the bills with me working all the overtime, I started to do things that she wanted done. Built a 2 1/2 car garage, was in the process of siding the house and putting new windows ( she was going to get the big bay window that she always wanted) the project was only half completed when she passed away, she never got to enjoy it. This did help me keep my mind preoccupied for a little while cause I did all the work myself but once it was done it didn't mean a whole lot anymore. I do believe that God has a plan for everything and everything happens for a reason, just sometimes I would really like to know the reason why.. It will take time, not going to happen over night, but you sound like a strong person, you will get through this. Like my niece keeps telling me " CAN'T EXPECT A POSITIVE OUTCOME WITH NEGATIVE THOUGHTS" Stay positive and eventually everything will work out how it's meant to be.                                              
 

 

God Bless, Take Care

 

Greg

 

Thanks so much for commenting, I want to say I'm sorry for your loss and that I know exactly how you feel. I was stuck in the denial stage for a long time, I think I still am. I still think she is coming back home. I've thought about that often too, what if it was me instead of her, I wouldn't want her to feel like I do, I would want her to be happy but I know that she would be hurting just as much as I am. We were going to get old and grey together, after retirement we were going to sell everything, buy a motor home and travel the United states, all that was gone in the blink of an eye. Everybody keeps telling me you will find someone, you don't want to be alone the rest of your life. Right now I just want my wife back. But it is true I don't want te be alone for the rest of my life. Never in a million years did I think I would be 41 years old and widowed. It's just not right. I get so irritated because there was so many places she wanted to go and so much she wanted to do and all I would say is someday. I was working a lot of overtime and being money hungry I didn't want to take any time off work. Really got me far didn't it? Then you have the what ifs, I did a lot of searching on the signs and symptoms of a heart attack and when I think back there were signs. What if I would have made her go to the doctor would the outcome been different, I'll never know now. If you don't mind I would like to make a suggestion, find someone that you can truly talk to, someone you feel comfortable showing your feelings and emotions to. Don't keep things bottled up. That's what happened to me I kept everything bottled up inside, tried to be strong so everybody thought I was fine. About six months ago I came real close to taking my own life. I couldn't deal with anything anymore, I had so much hate, hurt, and anger built up inside I couldn't take it anymore. I started going to church, that helped with the hurting myself thoughts. It might sound weird but my wife's niece is the person that I have to open up to. She has helped me so much. I keep telling her she is my counselor. I still need a lot of of help and I am in the process of finding support groups, therapist/counselor and I'm going to call and meet with the pastor. The more people you have on your side the better. Take care, God bless, KEEP THE FAITH... Greg