Michael Williams
  • 54, Male
  • New Haven, IN
  • United States
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Lost my dad

Posted on June 4, 2010 at 3:35pm 2 Comments

I lost my dad on April 21, 2010 and I am having a hard time since his passing. Not only was he my dad but he was my friend. I feel hurt, bitter, and angry. I also feel that I have to be strong for my son and my mother. I hurt inside and don't have anyone to lean on. I feel so alone.

There are a lot of times while I am working that I have to fight back the tears and when I get home and alone I don't cry because I held them in for so long. Is this normal?

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At 2:23pm on June 5, 2010, Stewart said…
Michael, Hello As a son of a loving father myself, When My dad passed it was not a shock as he was ill before hand. and at his funeral that was so beautiful and done in the way that he would have liked it to be done and the family liked it too I was overcome with grief and could not stop myself from crying buckets & buckets of tears and at the same time I was so sad that the day had finaly come , One day that I never realy thought that would come so soon. I had taken time off work to get myself over this emotion that has sweept over me and given me such pain, and still to this day I think of him and still play the music almost every day that we had at the service. But I too was very angry and upset and wanted to know why there were people( the living) still here and my dad was not !!!, that emotion of realising that he has passed and I will never see him again does pain me at times and although I tend to think of the good times that we had and how loving he was not only for me but for everyone that knew him...
At 11:04pm on June 4, 2010, Billinda said…
Dearest Michael,
Yes, this is very normal, and as difficult as it is, the best thing you have done for yourself and your journey of grief, is to reach-out to us here at this group, Legacy.com, Loss of a parent. Everyone, male or female, will endure a different journey. Do not be alarmed or feel discouraged because of that. I lost my Mom a year ago, Feb. 22, 2009, and although it is better, each day is still difficult and different for me. I have 4 younger siblings, and they can't understand why I can't "move-on" as they have done. No one...even siblings should compare journeys of grief....they are each an individual journey that is a result of so many different things from growing-up, that only those of us that have "been there, done that," truly understand.

You need someone to lean on, and if that is this group, great! If you need more, please don't hesitate to ask or to seek out a group grief session somewhere near you. It helps so much to talk to others (or email) that understand what you are going through, and as a retired teacher/counselor/principal, I think that is the best advise I can give to you. It isn't easy to talk at first, but when you meet people that are going through what you are and feeling the same way, it brings great comfort inside to know there is nothing wrong with you...this is normal!

Is it easy? HELL NO!! Does it last forever? Yes, in some ways, but each day brings you to a point of understanding in life, that helps you, "Move Ahead!"
You will NEVER be the same person for losing your Dad and best friend, but at some point, you will see it as gift and experience in life that will help you be the new person you have become after losing a parent, and you will possess the gift of compassion and awareness beyond compare that will help guide you through this journey and the rest of your life.

I'm so impressed that you as a man, are sensitive and aware enough of your feelings, that you are already reaching-out! That is a very good sign and response. If I could have one wish for you it would be that you would find someone to talk to so you would not feel like you must "hold back the tears." If there is not someone like that in your life, I will help you through this! Just let me know, and we can email or talk on the phone.

Someone here on Legacy.com said it this way, and I am paraphrasing...."Since losing my Dad, I have friends, relative and co-workers, lose a parent, and I always take time to send them a Sympathy Card, because I know how much they mean at a time and loss like this, but truthfully, instead of signing 'sincerely and my name,' I would just like to write across the entire card in big letters, 'IT SUCKS!'"
I wish I could put it a better way, but that is really the truth, and no one understands that until they walk in your shoes.

Tell me about your Dad. I think that is great that he was also your best friend! What a treasure of memories you must have! How old was your Dad? How did he die? Your Dad and best friend is still with you.....KNOW THAT, and always beware and open to that and the circumstance that may come your way to enforce that in YOUR mind! You will eventually find these to be a great comfort, and yes, even joy!

I still have my Dad, but am so fearful because they doctor has found a spot on his thyroid that they think is cancerous. Only God knows how I will ever endure or recovery from losing a 2nd parent so soon, and I shudder at the thought, for my Dad is my HERO, and my best friend in the World!

Michael, please don't try to be strong for everyone, until you have had your own time to grieve! You have got to let it go, and cry and scream and be mad and sad, and show your feelings.....for that is the first step in your journey!

You will be in my prayers, and I am here if you need me. God's Speed, dear new friend!
Email: billindainokc@cox.net
At 6:35pm on June 4, 2010, Jenny Timmons said…
Michael, to answer your question yes it is normal. I lost my dad Feb. 16, 2009 and it feels like it was yesterday, and I can not cry, so your not alone this site is one you can share your feelings and maybe you will cry, not alot just alittle at a time. My prayers are with you.
At 6:31pm on June 4, 2010, Jenn said…
Hi Michael. I'm sure you will get many responses from the letter you just wrote. My father passed away in Sept so it has been over 8 months. My Dad's birthday is next week so I've been feeling down just thinking about it. I want to tell you that I know how much pain your feeling, the hurt, the bitterness , anger... there is every emotion that you will feel and go through. I almost wanted to die myself at times just to be with him again and tell him things I should have and wish I had told him earlier.
Your loss is still so recent and it will take time.
So many people will say that time helps and it really does. I know my feelings are different now than they were immediately after his death. Sometimes I think I am still in denial but honestly that incredible pain that you feel deep inside you will lessen and change. You will always hurt but it will get easier as you come to terms with it.
A good friend of mine told "it hurts like hell but you have to go through it , no around it" and that is so true. Yes, you are normal. Completely normal.
Write me at my email address jenns808@yahoo.ca if you want to correspond. I don't go into this website as much as I used. Which is a good thing because that makes me believe I'm dealing with it better.
Take care of yourself and don't be hard on yourself for how your feeling.
At 5:23pm on June 4, 2010, MyFathersSon said…
I lost my dad Mar.14, 2010 We all grieve differently. I don't think there is any wrong way to grieve. If someone start to grieve six months after someone passes that fine. Some people don't cry. I was reading about Teddy Roosevelt that after his first wife had died in child birth and his mother had passed around the same year, he didn't speak of either of them. He could just place the past behind him. I'm surprised by how some people's mind focus away from things that can bring grief. And I see nothing wrong with it. I only recommend that regardless of how one grieves, one should not feel any guilt for their grieving because it doesn't match some expectation they have placed for it. I am sure our loved ones don't want us to feel bad what so ever because we didn't cry hard enough or often enough for them. If anything they would want us to return to normal as soon as possible.

I read you think you need to be strong for your son and mother and I really don't understand what you mean. Seeing my son cry for my father had me in tears for the hurt he was feeling. My dad was the kind of guy that could tear up with patriotism and a great sense of honor for someone. I never though tears or grief had anything to do not being strong.

I do believe this 100%. Cry or don't cry... neither is wrong. As long as there is a sense of reverence and love for the departed I don't believe anything else is wrong. What more would they want from us? They loved us.
At 4:58pm on June 4, 2010, sue said…
At 4:23pm on June 4, 2010, melena said…
Hi, Michael. My name is Melena and I lost my mom Dec. 13, 2008. I know exactley what you are going threw. My mom was my bestfriend, the one person who I could be myself with and know, know matter what she was on my side. I still have my daddy, but he didn't do how I thought he would after my mom died. They were married for 45 yrs. & 3 to 4 months after she passed he already had a girlfriend so needless to say that hasn't went over real well with me. I thought that I could lean on him,but boy was I wrong. It will be 2 yrs this Dec. and I can tell you I still feel the same as I did the day she passed. Some days are better than others and I also try to hold back tears, because I've always been the strong one in the family. I do break down and my son see's me crying and that's o.k. cause you know why. Your hurt and its o.k. to show your hurt if you don't how will he know how to handle things one day. Look I can't give you the best advice but I can help talk to you and tell you what I'm going threw. Look I've deceided you'll never get over the one you've lost. You just try to make it threw each day the best you can. My mommy passed away from breast cancer which spread to her lungs. It was so hard knowing I was loosing her but watching her suffer was so much worse. Listen, I'm only speaking from what I'm going threw it is normal what your going threw and everybody is different and only you will know when you can really go on in your life. I go on everyday and try so hard to act normal, but its not cause like you I hold it all in most of the time. I hope something I've wrote is better than nothing. I hope I hear from you and please fill free to talk to me about your feelings I'm not gonna judge you cause I know what you are experiencing.
At 4:12pm on June 4, 2010, Susan Fuller said…
I am so sorry for you loss Michael. I lost my dad March 6th 2010. Personally I feel that what you are feeling is "normal". I have days where all I do is cry off and on. I still feel so alone. My mother is going through a very tough time. She is now on medication for her depression so I am very concerned about her. Although I also have 6 siblings...I still feel that empty lonliness that I fear will never go away. I hope for your sake you can find time to be alone and cry and really feel all of your feelings. I have found that going to my fathers graveside and talking and crying there gets some of the feelings out. I will say a prayer for you today. This is a good place to put your feelings out there for others who are going through the same thing to comment on and maybe have a suggestion or 2 for you! I am afraid that we are all on a very painful journey. God Bless!
At 4:07pm on June 4, 2010, Karen said…
Michael, please see a professional. I'm seeing a Hospice grief counselor & he's helped me tremendously. Dad died Nov 24, '09 at the age of 94 but I think seeing my new baby granddaughter for the first time after my stepdaughter delivered her, coming home & crying for at least 10 minutes may have helped. Oh that's not to say I'm "cured" by any means, but I feel like I released all (or a lot of, anyway) of my grief. But I'll cry again, & again, & again. It's a release which everyone needs. So please seek help - you need it.

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