Thank you for the gentle nudge I needed to start down that road of forgiveness.. I wish I knew of a way to say a few final things to my mother then let it go.. we still do not know where she is/was buried..
( thanks to a selfish alcoholic Step-Father) so there has never been any real closure for me. The "quotes" are printed and sitting by me and will read one daily.. thank you again! JA
Thank You for the kind words..they are much appreciated.I have been so busy that I hve not had time to grieve only at certain points of the day..when im alone or in my car i do my most grieving.We did not have a funeral and I feel its left unfinished.Mothers day has gone by being a mother myself it was hard to get through,my birthday came and went luckily the kids kept it simple.
Hi, Thank you for your post. I'm doing the same thing right now and because it's so intense and loud, I also prefer to be alone when I get like that.
You're so right about the world being like a different place, and I feel like a different person. You know what? I can't stand to think of the future, it seems very scary, so I just live day to day for now. I feel like I'm in Chapter 2 of my life kind of. The pain is bad. I cry like an infant. I kind of feel like one at times.
What you said was comforting and I don't feel so alone at the moment. Thanks.
It really helps when there is someone who understands a peculiar situation as losing both parents almost at the same time (mine 4 months) November 29, 2010 and March 22, 2011.
They weren't even married or talked in years to each other and both lived alone for years. It's just my older sister and I now who are each others strength because nobody in our circle can know how this feels, but this group helps because I don't have to explain too much how I'm feeling, because most here know.
I'm still in shock somewhat I think. I just know that I can't bear to think of tomorow and tomorow and the future at all. I can only stay in this moment and this day.
We knew Dad would pass for about two weeks before he did, but we thought we would have him a little longer. Mom was a shock. She just went to sleep.
She consoled my sister and I on the loss of our Dad, and I made her promise (I smile when I think of this bittersweet) to take really good care of herself because I couldn't bear to go through it again too soon. We would laugh a bit, but Mom did have alot of physical ailments and pain that required constant diligence, and living alone, I'm sure it seemed really overwhelming to her. I just wish my last conversation with her had been nicer, I mean I wasn't very nice to her and I regret it bitterly. I feel like I deserve this horrible pain I feel and I see no end in sight.
Reading your post about your pain ending slightly gives me hope, and I Thank you for writing it.
Thank God for my sister, daughter, and this group and others like it.
I just can't believe they are BOTH not here and I can't call them!
I know what you mean. The world an life seems so different with them gone. Holidays,Birthdays, just are not the same. I miss them every day. I lost my mom in 1998. i walked in an found her. An I lost my Farther almost 3 months ago. You never really get over the loss. You just learn how to cope. Because No one could ever take their place.
I can't believe I'm still crying. My dad had not been in the best health. He had been insulin dependent for about 15 years and he was a kidney patient since 2002. He was only 71 when he went. I had been his care giver the last 15 months. 11/18/08 he lost his independence and had $1,000,000 back surgery. He had great insurance that covered all of it. He also broke his leg that day and had a nonunion fracture that never healed. He had neuropathy in his feet. I didn't renew my contractor's license and told my builders I was unavailable. I committed myself to his care. I was eventually giving him dialysis at home with a home machine. I'd help him get dress when we go out. I always thought he'd pass one night in his sleep and I'd just find him in the morning. He liked to sleep in his lazy boy. When I got up at night I would always peek in on him and look to see his chest rising. 3/7/10 he slept about 23 hours. 3/8 I thought he was a little better. After dialysis he seemed worse and we discussed that night that in the morning I'd get him dressed and take him to the hospital. The next morning 3/9 he was too weak to help me get him to the hospital. Called 911 and his blood pressure was 60/40. 3/10 he got moved to ICU and they hooked him up to some fluid that the nurses called rocket fuel. 3/12 his cardiologist that we had knew for the last 8 years asks me into the hall and tells me he probably won't be coming home. I call family in Texas and Florida and they head this way to try to see him before he goes. The last of the family got here 3/13 Saturday night and Sunday 3/14 at about 10:45am we turned off the meds and he passed at 2:45pm. That was the worse week of my life and I don't think I can ever fully recover. I wished I could have taken care of him forever. I miss him so much.
I have heard it said that the loss of a parent is one of life's most traumatic events. I now know the devastating truth of that statement. I can now only hope the hurt will fade, only to be replaced by positive memories that soothe the soul.
How do I start? How do I begin a last farewell to some one I don't want to go? How can I say goodbye to someone that was such a big part of me?
I yearn to hug my dad one last time, long to see his smiling face or hear his cheerful voice.
He fully lived up to his standards, which were the standards of his generation. A life whose riches owe little to money, a sense that anything is possible if you work hard, he was a model of what a father should be. He had no regrets. He believed he had a full life.
My father was not a complicated man. When it came to his loved ones, both family and friends, he preferred his relationships to be simple and loving. He was a remarkably good man, like many of inspiring role models and mentors, he was a person of devotion and integrity, a man of unshakeable dedication.
Devotion is an earnest attachment to a person. He devoted all of himself to my mom and his care for her until her passing.
His core accomplishment was family. And as one of his children, I was a lucky beneficiary. My father poured vast amounts of love and energy into me during my most formative years and throughout his life.
He was my Dad. So much goes into that simple statement. My Dad was my hero. He was the example that I looked up to. He was my friend. In my adult life I have been greatly bothered by the conflict I created in my teen years. I think I was 16 when I was helping Kenny Holdas coach his son's baseball team and he told me of a time when he had seen my dad at work with tears in his eyes and at a loss over my ways as a child. Most of my adult life has been filled with regret for what I had put him through as a teen and I could never repay him for standing by me.
I had been lucky the last year and a quarter taking care of him through the end. We ate out numerous times and was able to catch a couple movies, took him to a few Mariner game and he was able to see the new stadium for the first time. He was an avid poker player and I got lucky enough to go to the casinos and play quite a bit of poker with him over the last year. He was my mentor and my protector.
As my father neared the end he was fully aware and at peace with it, I put my hand in his as often as I could. I wanted him to know that I was with him on his final journey on earth. I wanted to crawl into his hospital bed and hug him as I did as a child. He was too weak to keep his eyes open and I wanted him to be with me, to let me know it was alright.
Sunday morning before the meds were shut off we were all telling him we love him hoping it was getting through. He didn't open his eyes but he mouthed "I love you."
If I could see my dad one more time, I would tell him that I love him, that I am so proud of the life he led, and I will keep him in my heart always.