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missing her

Posted on April 5, 2009 at 1:07pm 1 Comment 0 Likes

The overwhelming grief I feel envelops me suddenly. I cannot cry for a couple of days, or won’t cry. Then it slowly builds…all day little things spark it and I suppress and suppress. Then, like just now, I can’t hold back any longer. I’m watching one of our favorite TV shows. I keep looking over at her, but she’s not there. She can’t share the funny, the beauty, the silly with me anymore. Then it wells up and I just curl up in a ball and, well, let’s face it. I want my mommy. I walk around this… Continue

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At 10:13pm on May 8, 2009, Alanna Goest said…: More hope o for you Mysti - we see our loved ones again one day according t- I Thessalonians 4:17 -17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

18Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

Be Comforted please Mysti. Your Mom would want you to have peace and comfort.

At 10:03pm on May 8, 2009, Alanna Goest said…: Sweetheart, your story is compelling, achingly sad (a tragedy that should not have happened, that your Mom should leave this world in such pain and agony after fighting her way bravely through the cancer and chemo and almost making it home...) It is so tragic that you lost her, but to lose her in this cruel way makes your loss all the more sad and unbearable I'm sure.And i'm just as sure that part of your pain is guilt - although it is unwarranted. You didn't do anything wrong and if your Mom could have been saved she would have been. You did all you could - you and your sister. Your Mom would want you to know that and she would tell you that herself if she could. Your Mom is an Angel now, watching over you and your sister - she is still with you - she'll come to you in dreams and intuitions and still watch over you and help you. When I lost my Mom and grieved so much, i had a dream one night when she was miffed at me because I was 'holding' her so much she could not go on into the next world or do what she was supposed to do because I could not let her go. I'm sorry that you lost your Mom so young. You will get to a point where you can remember the good things and not just the horrible sad ending to her life. She loved you and your sister so much and she wants you to have peace and be comforted by her love which can never ever be seperated from you. You will find your way and your grief will not be endless and bottomless, and the beauty of her love for you will always be with you and help you to be strong. God Bless Alanna G.

At 7:11am on May 7, 2009, denise said…: Dear Mysti: While reading some of your words I could not but think of the feelings we face daily due to the loss of our loved ones. Grief affects us in various ways, Just as a severe physical wound takes time to heal, so it is with bereavement. Recovering from grief may take months, years. Grief I have found is a necessary part of thehealing process and it is a process Mysti. I recall in your letter that you have faith in God. One of his promises is very comforting. It is a sure hope for our loved ones. In the spring of 31 C.E. Jesus Christ bodly promised: "Just as the Father raises the dead up and makes them alive, so the Son also makes those alive whom he wants to. Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his (Jesus) voice and come out. (John 5:21,28,29) Jesus promised that millions now dead will live again on this earth and have the prospect of remaining on it forever under peaceful, paradisaic conditions (Luke 23:43, John 3:16, Psalm 37:29, Matthew 5:5) This very hope is what has helped me due to the loss of my loved ones. It gives me comfort to know that there is such a powerful hope for us in the near future. Do you believe this?

At 1:31am on April 16, 2009, Diane said…: Hi Mysti,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your mom sounded like a wonderful woman, who loved her family! The feelings that you are experiencing are perfectly normal and with God's help you will get through the rough times. I lost my mom on Oct. 29th 2001, and I miss her also. I thought about her especially this past Sunday, Easter Day. Mom believed in planning good family time with all her family, so she would call each one of her " five girls" asking what dish we wanted to bring to Sunday dinners. Now that she is gone, I see why she would do that! It's as if she was trying to instill in us the importance of family gatherings and also gently preparing us for when we would not get that call from her and we would have to keep the tradition going as she had been doing! Mysti, cry when you feel the need, think about her anytime that you want to and remember, your mom is aware of your love for her and I know that you have fond memories of your times with her. Be encouraged and take care of yourself because your mom would want you to do so. May God bless you at this time and always! Diane

At 9:56am on April 10, 2009, Susie said…: Mysti,
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. What you are going through right now is some of the most difficult times you will ever face, dear. My Mother was diagnosed with liver cancer on October 31, 2006 - she passed away on Thanksgiving Day, November 23, 2006. There really are 'no' words that can adequately describe the emotions that you are feeling. My prayer is that you will be blessed with the peace and comfort that can only come from God during this time.
Susie

At 1:08pm on April 5, 2009, Mysti Adams said…: You can read more about me on my myspace page at: www.myspace.com/mystiadams

At 1:04pm on April 5, 2009, Mysti Adams said…: Hello, my name is Mysti and I'm grieving. My mother passed away on March 20th, 2009. While she had cancer, she didn't die from that. And it was brutal. Here's what happened: Mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer on Dec 22, 2008. She kept it to herself until telling Linda my sister and I on Jan 10, 2009. (So our last Christmas and New Years with her went by with little celebration or fanfare of her) She didn't want to ruin the holidays. Due to intense pain and agony from the tumors in her lungs and back, we had to admit her to the hospital on January 19, 2009. She never came home.

She was fighting the cancer valiantly, went through 3 rounds of painful chemotherapy. While the side effects were sometimes unbearable, she always had a joke, a smile or a soft word for the family and friends who came to visit. She was so blessed by everyone who took the time to comes sit with her, call her and give her love.

The last round of chemo on March 16th was not as bad as the others. Her white cell and platelets didn't plummet like before and if she stayed strong for a week, we were bring her home! Yay!

However she had been complaining of gas, constipation and severe abdominal pain ever since. But the pain medication she took caused a lot of those symptoms, we had no idea something else was going on. It turns out she contracted an infection called C. Difficle Colitis from the nursing home. Usually this is not fatal, however she had an undiagnosed umbilical hernia that strangled her intestines and obstructed her bowels and they were being emptied into her abdominal cavity. On the 19th, we tried getting her medical attention, but ran into problems with doctors. We finally called the ambulance ourselves, had her taken to ER and by the time they ran tests and scans to find out what she was suffering from, it was too late. The damage was too severe. Her body, heart, brain were too infected by the toxins and bacteria. She ended up dying of septic shock (sepsis), the toxins and waste in her body poisoned her. We had to increased the morphine to ease the pain and suffering which made it impossible to communicate with her.

She died on March 20, 2009 at 11:36pm and words are inadequate to define the grief I am going through.