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  • Salt Lake City
  • United States
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Nan's Blog

Mother's Day, 2011

Posted on May 8, 2011 at 7:15pm 0 Comments

Today, my heart aches because I can't see my older son, Mike, on this Mother's Day. It feels empty to me. My dear son, Matt, sent me flowers and called, but there is an empty place in my heart for his brother. Mike died June 2008 - I cannot believe that it has been almost three years next month. His birthday is tomorrow and he would have been 31 years old. I cried hard last night for him and asked why he had to go away, why, why, why. And when I think of him laid out in his casket, I keep… Continue

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At 1:44am on April 3, 2009, Nan said…
It has been 9 mmonths since Mike died and I find myself struggling with crying every day as I realize that his death is real, but it still is not. It still seems like a bad dream and that I will wake up and he will be here. I just had my 60th birthday and was pretty high on that as we had a big celebration. But now that the birthday and its celebration are over, I find myself focusing in on Mike once again, realizing that next month is his birthday, and then in June, the anniversary of his death. I find myself just thinking of him and then ralizing he is gone and then I start crying - deep sadness and hurt in my heart. It has been hard as it just pops up out of the blue during the day and that has been very hard and very painful. WHen people say to me that they can't imagine how hard it is to lose a child and my response usually is "me either"! Because I am not sure that I have entirely come to understand that Mike is gone. I am sure with time that I will gain some perspective on Mikie's death, though there is a part of me that feels as though I will never understand that Mike is dead. It is tough stuff, but I know that I will continue feeling very hurt and pained at Mike's death and his suffering before he died because nothing in his life was going well at all. Oh, Mike, I love you so much and I hope that you know that...
At 9:01pm on December 31, 2008, Nan said…
I lost my son, Mike, on June 19th of this year. It still doesn't seem real to me. When I look at his picture and envision him, I cannot believe that he is the person I buried in June.

I am doing pretty well. I took 3 months leave of absence which helped me in many ways. I find myself doing great, and then something triggers my grief, such as driving by his apartment, etc. and the tears start. I have a lot of support of family and friends, but am amazed at people wh o know me who don't personally acknowledge that my son has died. I can tell at times when people know and care, but at times I am not really sure if the person knows because they don't say anything to me about Mike's death. It is hurtful in a way. But then there are the other people in my life who are so caring and concerned about how I am doing - guess people have a hard time of acknowledging or speaking to a person who has lost a child or someone close.

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