Oh Nan, I feel for you so. I am assuming your dad did not leave a note, and this is why his choice remains a mystery for the family even after 4 years. It is a very sad thing to have to endure not knowing why and still missing him and wondering what went wrong. I can greatly emphathize with you. We can never know all the problems and demons that were troubling his mind and spirit that I am sure had nothing whatsoever to do with his relationship with his loving family. Perhaps he kept everything bottled up inside and should have sought professional help to express it. Perhaps he was such a loving, considerate, kind husband and father that he did not want to burden you with his own personal woes but then they got the best of him. He obviously felt that he had given the family all that he had to give for your nourishment and survival after he was gone and that you would still thrive long after his passing. Take comfort in knowing that he may have been surprised how much you miss him now and love him regardless of how he hurt you and that your love for him is unconditional even to this day and beyond. I was most struck by when you said, "he is gone forever from this earth." Remember how Jesus promised at Matt. 5:5, "Happy are the mild-tempered ones, since they will inherit the earth." I have learned through my study of scripture that God will indeed restore paradise-like conditions and even the dead will be resurrected to inherit and enjoy the renewed and problem-free earth....forever! This is not just a dream but a very REAL hope and a divine promise that we can put faith in. It is my wish that this will make you feel a lot better today, tomorrow and as the years go by or until such time when you may be able to welcome back your precious and healed father. Thank you for expressing YOUR feelings to us!