I have not been communicating for some time, but have moved to Las Vegas to be near my sister, and I did it mainly as I was wearing my sons out with my grief. I did not bother them with it, and tried to be upbeat when I talked to them, but they know me well enough to know I am suffering. I allso thought moving would help, but I, as I said before packed my grief in a box and brought it along. I truly am trying to make a go of it here, and have a decent home but as ungrateful as it sounds, it means nothing to me. I feel like I am only existing not living and I am perversely happy when another week goes by. I WANT TO GO HOME! I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO BE WITH TROY SOON OR I WILL LOSE MY MIND TO GRIEF.
I do hope that some of you will have come to some measure of joy in your lives again,
Love and prayers to all.. And hugs too, hug, I hear are good.
I am so sorry to hear about your step-dad and pass on to your Mother that I am praying for her. I do not know why life is so hard, especially as we/I get older and am much more vulnerable. I cried yesterday like it was the very first day and it was, in a way, kind of shocking as I do not have a clue as to what set it off. I go to the stores we went to and I wear my big dark sunglasses and cry the whole time I am in there as I see so many older couples and I do know that also is like a knife in my heart. I have a friend whose husband passed away 4 years and I asked her if she still had moments of unmitigated joy and she, without so much as a heartbeat told me Never! That it has not all been horrible, but the joy and that special sense of happiness died with her husband, and I feel exactly the same way and from what I hear that is not unusual. I wish I could give you some pearls of hope and wisdom, but my dear, I have none. Like I said before I am hanging on and wishing I could just let go.. Although my thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless and I pray that He comforts you and your Mother. Elaine Richmond
Dear Pam, sorry I have not answered you in so long, but it has been a tortuous few weeks! I start out having a fairly good day, but it always ends in tears and heartache. I pray every night for God to take me home. What good is a 70 year old woman what kind of plan could He possibly have for me? I know I question too much and believe me I am not mad at God, I just cannot conceive why I could not have gone home with Troy. All of my children are grown and have their own lives and families, and I know that they love me and want what ever I want but I do not know what I want except to be going Home.
I hope to hear that you are doing better.
God's Blessing on you my dear.
Pam, I just got back from my daughters. I stayed over the 4th and my birthday. I didn't want to go but I hadn't seen her new house and she was urging me to visit. Not that I didn't want to see her, just didn't want to leave home. Next time I'll know not to stay so long. It was a hard trip, driving myself to and from the airport, a two and a half hour drive from home, having to deal with heavy suitcases, etc.
When I got on your page to respond, I noticed you talked about approving the design on your husband's headstone. I just got a call telling me Jim's stone would be placed next Thursday. That just seems too final, it will be the last thing I can do for him. I don't know how I can go to the cemetery and see it. I haven't had a really bad day like this for a couple weeks and I thought I was doing so good. Jim just passed on April 8, only a little over 3 months. I have no choice but to handle this also.
Today is 4 months since Bob passed. The weekend was hard. The holiday plus him being gone. I used to love this time of year and now all I can think of is that I wish the summer was over. I can't even sit outside without him. When he wasn't sick we sat outside all the time. Sometimes just talked about everything we could think of, other times just sat there enjoying the quiet with only the birds in the back ground. I pray that he can hear me talking to him and his is ok. I will always love him.
Today I approved the final design on Bob's headstone. I will be glad when it is done. My heart still aches that I even had to do that. That I now have to visit his grave to talk to him. It shouldn't have been now, it wasn't his time yet to leave me. I have to think that he no longer is suffering and is at peace taking deep breaths. I miss you my love. You will be my one and only true love.
What ever you think ,don't ever doubt ,that Bob loved you!!I know that for a fact.one day I will explain to you what I know ,but you are loved & he loves you even now & would never think other wise.
Please call me when you have bad times we can work thur them,I find it better after I talk to you ,so keep that in mind.
The week-end is coming & I know it is hard but I will be here .if you need.
today another hard one. Now it seems there are more bad then good. The ache in my heart is sometimes hard to bare. I can't get through the day acting like I'm ok. It wears me out. I talk to Bob, and hope he hears me and knows how much I love him.
The days are getting harder and harder. All the things I should be doing are starting to work on me. Don't know why I can't make myself do the normal everyday things. I miss the simple things Bob did for me. I hope he is watching over me and knows how much I love him.