I'm so sorry for what you've gone through.  I can barely imagine the turmoil you've had to fight against after having to stop all activity to revive your husband! At the time I could not imagine anything harder than having to make the decision to remove my husband from life support, despite the fact that I knew it was the right thing to do and what he would have wanted me to do. Now I can.  I remember so vividly the evening John coded in the hospital, the guilt I had to fight against for having dozed off and not being awake to help him when he needed me..  I had nightmares about his fighting to breathe and not being able to get my attention.  I see his eyes filled with fear even worse than the fear I saw when he wrote to me that he was scared and depressed.  Now I can imagine a worse scenario. How brave you were to do what you knew you husband wanted, how wonderfully selfless and loving to go against what was probably your hearts desire to let them fight to give him back to you and make sure what your husband wanted was honored. May God richly bless you for the honor and respect you gave to his wishes.  

Patricia -  I'm doing better today.  You know it's bad enough we lost our spouses, but to have people who you thought were friends, people who you help though their hard times just turn there back on you makes it even harder. My brother who lives out of state call this morning to wish me a happy birthday. I don't know what will come, but I am so glad I find this site. I'm sorry you and everybody else are here. In some ways the people here(whom I never met) our more like friends then my so called friends. Thank you for your kind words, just knowing someone does care helps. I will say a extra prayer for you. Thank you again.

Mark 

I am glad to be your friend Patricia.   We are all suffering this terrible thing called grief, each of us in a different way and for a different time.   Marsha is a strong person who will help you more than most.   I waited a long time to be a wife (|thought that had passed me by, I was 42|) and "put all my eggs in one basket" by spending every minute with Morley (my husband).    He was (I thought) a really healthy man but he dropped dead virtually at my feet whilst we were on holiday in a remote cottage in Yorkshire and I coundn't tell the medics where we were.   They say he died in seconds but when I got to him he had a look of terror on his face so for those few seconds he knew he was dying, I am convinced of that.   I will never get over his death, we were joined at the hip and did everything together.   Marsha feels we can all reinvent ourselves but personally I feel it took me long enough to be a wife and now I am a widow (horrible word) and really expect to remain with this pain where my heart used to be until I get to him (if that is true and I hope it is),   I feel too old and frail now (never did when Morley was here) to start doing something to reinvent myself.   I was asked to speak to two groups pf students recently about grief because my own doctor feels they get nothing like enough tuition in what to do with the survivor of a death.   I could do that easily as that is what I did as a living for 40 years but I really don't think I can  make a "career" of 2 20 minute chats a year.   I am sorry for your loss but you have found the right place and it will help if you come on and say it as it is.   We have all been there (still are)  and nothing you say we have either not said or had said to us so let it all out and DON'T be afraid of tears.   It is three plus years for me and not one day has passed that I have not cried for Morley (usually in the house but sometimes outwith if I meet someone and it triggers it off).

Helen