I'm so sorry for your loss Sandra. I lost my partner of 24 years Randy back on November 3rd. Like you i'm sure I still can't wrap my head around what he did. There were definitely things going on in his life at the time, but nothing that couldn't be rectified. In his mind though I guess they were insurmountable, I Don't Know. He took his life by Stabbing himself to death, I will never understand that. It seems so violent and he wasn't a violent man. I've been told though that it was just a means to an end and what he had. There are some wonderful people here who will listen any time you need them. I wish I could say that things will get better, but I haven't pass that milestone yet. That's ok though, I can only do so much and hopefully one day the rest will follow. Please be kind to yourself Sandra, that's the biggest lesson I have had to learn in all this. It's a club none of us ever wanted to belong to, so all we can do is be there for each other.