Your message moved me to tears. I felt like I had written it word-for-word. I lost the best person in my life with no warning on July 26, 2013. My dad collapsed in our driveway and died of a skull fracture, alone in the dark on the ground. He was 69 years old, but physically fit, healthy, happy-go-lucky, and full of energy. Every year in the weeks leading to Father's Day until the anniversary of his death is so painful for me. He could have lived another decade, so for you to lose your dad at only 47 must be unbearable. You said that you have so much to tell him, maybe it would help telling him by yourself at his gravesite or in a journal. The main things that have helped me are therapy and the support of loved ones. Don't shut yourself down, they love you and want you to get better. It took me 3 years to really process his death. Don't feel rushed that you're not just "over it." It's okay for it to take a long time to heal.