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My Brother

Posted on November 8, 2011 at 7:54am 0 Comments

I never thought I would be on one of these sites telling my story about a suicide in my family but then again I dont think anyone would. October 24, 2011 my brother took his life. He hung himself in my sisters kitchen off a ceiling fan. My sister is the one who found him she cut him down and  started cpr called 911. Problem is my mother is one of the head paramedics and happen to respond to the call when she walked in she broke. I recieved the phone call at work from my mother who just told…

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At 8:43pm on January 9, 2012, Pamela Kennedy said…

Hi Shea.  I haven't been on here much.  Thanks for thinking of me Christmas.  I hope you had a good Christmas too.  I am still having real bad days off and on but it is getting better.  I think about my brother all the time and still don't believe he is gone forever.  His ex-wife who was still legally married to him (and pushed him over the edge) kept everything of his and will not talk to us or give us any personal belongings.  She kept the ashes and even the back pack I gave him with personal letters of encouragement through the years that he kept with him at all times. I had a Bible in it too with a special message and she will not give that to us either. She deleted all his text messages and won't let us see the suicide letter.  That is okay.  She cannot take my memories and the guilt will overtake her and her boyfriend. I am seeing a Christian grief counselor that I absolutely love and I started back to college today, so I have lots of homework to keep my mind off other things. I started to buy my father something at the store the other day and totally forgot he died two days before my brother killed himself.  Wow, it is amazing how you think that they are still alive. Those are the times it is hard - triggers that bring you back to the realization they are gone forever.  I go to the place where my brother killed himself and I cleaned it up and go and put flowers where he died.  I don't know how long I will be able to do that but I sure wish I could visit his grave. He used to live below me and when his wife left him they filed bankruptcy and so I go and sit at his old place sometimes because I know he was alive and happy there.  I guess someone will buy it soon but my husband said he would build me a place on our property line just above where he lived in the woods (I live at the top of a mountain) and let it be me and Alan's place to talk.  I ordered a memorial book from legacy and it was shipped today.  It is so awesome.  It took me a while because I had to stop and take breaks as the pictures I put in made me cry a lot uncontrollably.  I kept my grandchildren for Christmas and New Years and stayed busy but it I was sad and not as happy as I am usually.  Let me know how you are coping.  Sorry it took so long to get back with you. Thanks for the advice about the box but it is not going to happen for me. 

At 11:52pm on December 22, 2011, Pamela Kennedy said…

No worries Shea!  I have been swamped with my grandchildren too.  Their momma has been doing Christmas shopping so I have had the kids quite a bit.  It keeps my mind off things but then again I feel guilty for "cheating" my dad and brother because I am not dwelling on them.  I feel like I have forgotten them if I miss a day not crying and being depressed over losing them.  I have to go on with the living and not feel guilty for doing so.  I guess it is just a phase.  I haven't been working on their scrapbooks or looking at pictures so it has helped me tremendously.  I know I need to get back to doing that and after school starts back in January, I know I will be able to get more done for my brother and dad.  I did take a Christmas tree to my dad's grave and a white cross with Christmas wreath where my brother died.  His "wife" (or ex-wife) cremated my brother and now I have nowhere to visit except where he passed.  I miss having a place to visit because I know I will not be able to go to his old place for long. Just talking about it now stirs up so much inside of me.  I still can't believe it all happened.  Take care and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas.  I am getting out of town for a while so I am not home my first Christmas without my dad and brother.  Enjoy those children.  Have a blessed New Year.  P.S. The new Christian Counselor is helping me tremendously.  Pammie

 
 
 

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