dear tanya i feel your pain believe me ,, my mom passed on july 6th 2010, i related with you when you said you dont want to go on ,if i did not have my daughter ,i would not go on .just wanted to let you know ,, i am in the same boat with you .so,so,sad
I am very sorry for your loss. My dad died due to cancer on Feb 27 2010. It has been almost six months and it hurts a lot still.
His birthday was on August 21 and i thought that would be the end of me and i will not make it through the day. But it passed and i am still here! Not as bad as i thought. On this friday, Aug 27 his 6 month death anniversary is coming up. My emotions are on a rollercoster as you may understand.
I am sorry that you feel you couldn't say all the things you wanted to your mom. I am 23 so i feel there are a whole lot of things i didn't get to say to my dad and a whole lot of things he will not be here for.
But i feel, in a parent child relationship,no matter how much we fight, there are some things that are unsaid but always understood. Like unconditional love, things like that we don't even need to say. I am sure your mom knows how much you love her. I am sure my father will always watch over me because he loves me.
I have noticed my pain is getting more intense now than what it was when he initially died. Maybe this is because the numbness is wearing off. Maybe the same thing is happening to you. All the feelings that we avoided initially because it was too much to take are slowly seeping in through time.
I don't know if the pain ever goes away but i know that i can adjust to the pain and live with it and hopefully one day it will fade away. That is what i am trying to do. Get back to my life even if i want to just curl up on the floor and stay there.
There are times when i just do that. Cry on the floor but i get back up too.
I hope you feel better, i am sure your mom knows how much you love her. Don't beat yourself up about it.